Mommy Vs. Angry Badger

So Nellie does this thing now where she fights sleep and has EPIC BABY MELTDOWNS when I try and make her go to sleep. She can also go from happy to THRASHING ANGRY BADGER BABY in less than five seconds. I shit you not, she will be happy and cooing and drooling all over me when suddenly, her face goes blank, her lip pooches out and her body tenses up. She will then start wailing like I just bit her little toe off.


WTF, kid?

Also, when I’m feeding her I’ve learned to take the bottle out of her mouth and burp her every ounce or she will VOMIT UP HER OWN NOSE. But when I take that bottle out, Jesus. Her entire body goes tense, she screws up her face and she SCREAMS BLOODY EFFING MURDER. I’ll pull her to my chest to burp her and she puts her feet on my legs and shoves herself upward, flailing her arms at the same time. After a few moments if that doesn’t work, I’ll sit her on my leg bending forward slightly (a pose that was so very easy when she was newborn and pliable) and try and burp her that way. She thrashes her head from side to side, looking around frantically, swings her arms, and bucks.

WTF, kid???

And bedtime/naptime? OH LORD HAVE MERCY. Don’t even get me STARTED on that shit. Nellie no longer falls asleep on her own unless she’s
A: in the carseat with a full tummy or
B: being pushed in the stroller with a full tummy.

Nooooononono. She needs to be swaddled, rocked and paci-ed. And even then, I have to hold her down like some sort of wild beast because as soon as that paci gets popped in her mouth, those tiny little eyelids start to flutter. And when they do, she realizes that she’s losing and gets PISSED. That’s when my sweet baby daughter turns into the ANGRY THRASHING BADGER FROM HELL.

She’s swaddled at this point so she can’t swing her arms but by god she tries. She pulls, and bucks, and kicks her legs. She SHRIEKS and SCREAMS and throws her head from side to side. I have to grab her, cling her to me, pat her on the butt and hold the pacifier in her mouth. She will begin falling asleep again, realize that she’s losing the battle and become a writhing bundle of tears and screams again. This process goes on for at least five, sometimes ten minutes before she finally tires herself out and goes to sleep. I then have to hold her for at LEAST 10 to 15 minutes to ensure she’s really asleep, because if I don’t and I dare put her in her crib she will wake up the SECOND her little body hits that mattress. And if I stop patting her butt, or take my hand off the paci and it falls out? She wakes up, loses her shit and I have to start all over.

Oy. Vey.

And you know what? She doesn’t do this for ANYONE BESIDES ME. I tell people this, and then she goes and falls asleep peacefully on her daddy while he’s watching her at night.

I found a grey hair today. Wonder why?

It Ain’t Always Pretty…

No one ever told me how overwhelming, repetetive, and thankless taking care of an infant can be. When you talk with other moms about motherhood, everything is ZOMG SO MAGICAL ALL THE TIME. And that may be true for some moms but for me, sometimes I get very tired and frustrated and EXHAUSTED. I find myself impatient the most when I’m tired and/or haven’t eaten. I am in my best mood in the early mornings to mid afternoons.

Please don’t misinterpret my words into saying that I don’t love my daughter. I love her more than I ever thought humanly possible, and I enjoy her so much. I love the stretches she gives me in the morning when I open up her swaddle wrap. Her pooched out lips as she raises her arms above her head to stretch out those muscles. I love how she farts when she cries sometimes. The fact that she’s begun sticking her tongue out is amazing. But infancy is such a one-sided phase, sometimes it just gets exhausting. Wake. Feed. Burp. Diaper. Fuss. Nap. Wake. Feed. Burp. Diaper. Tummy Time! Fuss. Nap.
Rinse and repeat.
All.
Day.
Long.
Sometimes after a long day of taking care of baby, I relish in when someone else holds her. I have both arms free to eat, read, or just… Sit. I remember when veteran moms would give me a knowing look and tell me that I’d be dying to pass the baby off after a long day alone with her and I’d stick my nose up in the air and huff, “Not me! I can’t WAIT to spend all day taking care of my baby!”
Ah, the ignorance of a pregnant first-time mom. I also thought I’d breastfeed with ease, magically keep my full nights’ sleeps, and wear my baby everywhere I went. Turns out that breastfeeding was hard and I needed sleep before I died, NO ONE sleeps through the night with a newborn and the Moby is a pain in the ass to put on and sometimes it’s easier to lay her down on her mat while I get some things done around the house.

My daughter isn’t at the stage where she enjoys toys yet. She likes to be talked to, but I can’t sit there and talk and make funny faces at her all day. There is laundry to be done, there are bottles to be washed and of course, blogs to be written (I say that wryly, I don’t neglect my daughter to blog.). While she naps, I have to choose what I want to do. Do I catch up on the laundry? Do I clean the floors? Do I zoom through my blogroll and comment on posts? There aren’t enough hours in the day to get what I need and want to do, done. Nighttime is easier (I NEVER thought I’d hear myself say that because once upon a time, nighttime was the HARDEST) because Nellie is actually a wonderful sleeper and around 10 she goes down and sleeps for 3 1/2-5 hours. I have more time to myself to do things I’d like, or to catch up on a few chores.

Life with our baby is getting better and better with each passing day, because Nellie is becoming more and more aware of her surroundings and life in general. When she smiles at me, I could die. Doing something funny and having her respond with a big, fat, gummy grin sends a gratification straight to my soul that is unlike anything I’ve experienced before. I enjoy being a mom and I know that once she’s in the toddler stage I will probably miss this infancy. But I have a sneaky suspicion that I’m more of a ‘toddler mom’ than an infant mom. Some people love nothing more than to care for a small baby. I myself cannot wait until I can DO things with my daughter. Yes, I love the sweet and sleepy snuggletimes. I love the smell of my baby daughter when she first gets out of a bath but I also can’t wait to watch her experience life as an aware, active child.

I feel kind of terrible writing this post, because I worry it makes it sound like I don’t enjoy or love my daughter but I do. I’ve talked to a few other moms who feel this way which is what inspired me, and gave me the ladyballs to write this post. Once upon a time I wanted to be a SAHM. Now that I have been a SAHM for 12 weeks, I know that it’s not for me. I am not cut out for it. The fact that we only have one car leaves me feeling extremely isolated and stir-crazy. I don’t want to be a working mom, but a happy balance is required. It’s very likely I’m going to have to return to work full time… Which I’m kind of dreading. Even though I get stir-crazy, the thought of leaving Nellie when we’ve had so much time together is sad.

Because even as frustrating, mundane, and overwhelming this routine can be I still don’t want to leave my lady. Not at all. I just need to switch it up a little bit. I think that will make all the difference in the world.

I don’t feel like this all the time. Just sometimes. There are those times when Nellie is zonked out in my arms, blissfully full after a bottle and I feel like the world could crash down around me and I wouldn’t care. As long as we were together. Sometimes, I have the overwhelming urge to bring my beautiful babe into bed with me on the nights that daddy works (and I am WAY not a co-sleeper). Sometimes I will and just stare at her. I can’t sleep with her in the bed w/ me because it makes me nervous.. But just having her beside me is like a tonic on my frazzled nerves.

So to all the new moms out there who are feeling like I feel sometimes: You’re not alone, and you’re not a terrible person for feeling this way. Becoming a parent is the strangest, craziest and scariest thing that’s ever happened to me. I love it, and wouldn’t change it for the world… But sometimes it’s not all roses and sunshine. If we all just hang in there together, we’ll be okay.

Promise!

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