WTF IS THAT?! Also Known As: My First Lactation Scare

I try to be a good little pregnant lady and intake plenty of water. To aid me in my quest, I employ the help of a pink refillable Eddie Bauer water bottle, because I care about the earth and shit.

This pink refillable Eddie Bauer water bottle is fab, except for one small problem:
It leaks like a MoFo.

I had just filled up my bottle and sat my big fat pregnant ass down to take a drink when I remembered that I needed to pick a copy I had made up from the back. With a sigh, I heaved my orca-like body out of the chair, took a swig of my delicious (ha, ha) water and headed in the back to retrieve said copy. I was standing back there, looking at the dreary day that was outside the window and for some reason I looked down. On my chest, I saw a big round wet spot.

My thought was: HOLY SHIT, I AM LACTATING. FOR THE FIRST TIME. AT WORK. WHAT THE HELL. WHY?! OF ALL THE PLACES, WHY?!

My mind raced through solutions to the problem before anyone noticed that I was leaking milk from my chest like a neglected cow. I was about to cross my arms over my chest and put on a sweater when I remembered that I had hastily taken a sip from my leaky water bottle. And because I am pregnant and as a result, A BLEEDING MORON, I didn’t take the time to realize that the wet spot was NOWHERE NEAR MY ACTUAL NIPPLE.

I uttered a hugh sigh of relief and a slight laugh, and like a good mommy blogger, I took a picture of my “not breastmilk” wet spot.

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