This Love

My daughter woke up screaming tonight after being asleep for less than an hour. When I say screaming, I mean she was screaming so loudly it was hurting my ears. I rescued her from her crib, gave her some teething tablets just in case she’s cutting more teeth, and here I sit.. Waiting for her to be asleep enough for me to put her back down.

I am exhausted.

I’m running on about 5 hours of sleep.
I was so tired today I could barely function. I almost fell asleep on several different occasions.

And as I gaze down at my daughter, who is cuddled up in my arms and breathing deeply I realize something.

I would hold this child all through the night if she needed me to.
I would become delirious from sleep deprivation if it meant I was there for her when she was in pain, sad, or scared.

There is nothing I wouldn’t do for this baby.

Nothing.

Oh, My Heart.

Nellie Bug,

Right now it’s 1:44 in the morning. It’s May of 2010, and you’ve been in our lives for over a year. Of course, this time last year you were small. Very, very small. Like, the size of a poppyseed.

You’ve been “on the outside”, in our arms, for 16.5 weeks. It’s been 16.5 weeks since you came into this world naked and wailing, tipped our lives upside down, and changed us forever.

My sweet child, right now your breath is heavy with sleep. I imagine you are dreaming, as you make soft squeaking noises and smile while you doze. I always wonder what you could be dreaming of. Bottles? Your toys? Of your daddy and me?

As I gaze down at you, I cannot help myself. I bend my head down, and nuzzle your cheek with my nose. You sigh, and I melt. I breath in the natural, sweet aroma that you have. I kiss the corner of your lip softly, and my eyes slowly pore over the details of your face. You are a completely different baby than the one we brought home that chilly January afternoon. And in another 16.5 weeks, you will be an entirely different baby than you are this night.

Soon, 16.5 weeks will turn into 16.5 years.

My daughter, I hope that one day you have the desire, and are able, to have children..

Because then – and only then – will you understand the love that is in my heart. I picture you one day doing what I am doing right now; snuggling your sleeping child in the early morning hours and becoming so aware of the swift passage of time. It’s bittersweet, my love… I realize that each passing moment pulls us a little farther apart. One day, you won’t need me to feed you. One day, you won’t need me to dress you, or change your diaper.. One day, you will toddle off and begin your own adventure.

My daughter.. I wish for you to have a life that is full of joy, and love. And I will do my best to help you have one.

You are loved, child, more than you will ever know.