Breakdown, go ahead and give it to me

I just had a slight meltdown in the bathroom here at work.

My coworker calls me, and announces that I have to close the library today, because he’s taking off the rest of the day so he can burn up his vacation time before the end of the month. Now, this isn’t a HUGE deal but it does mean that not only do I have to stay an hour later than I’m supposed to, but thanks to the craptastic parking here on campus, I have to walk down to the library, and then walk back to my car, as there will NOT be any parking spaces in the lot by the library.

So not ONLY am I going to have to stay an hour later, but I am most likely going to be even later than THAT, because it takes me about 10 minutes to walk from the library to where my car will be parked.

Awesome. Now, this wouldn’t bother me so much if someone had ASKED ME. Not TOLD me, ASKED ME. I asked my coworker while on the phone with him, “What if I hadn’t been able to close?” and he had no answer for me, of course. That’s not an option. The guy who normally closes the library will not stay an hour later and close, nor should he. He had to work through his lunch yesterday, and close. That’s not very fair to him.

What pisses me off, is that they did not ASK ME. They TOLD ME. I’m the frigging SITE SUPERVISOR, CONSULT WITH ME BEFORE YOU MAKE PLANS ON MY BEHALF. What if I’d had somewhere to be?! What if my husband could not get a ride home from work?! WHAT IF I HAD PLANS?! Apparently this DOESN’T EXIST IN MY WORLD.

Ugh. So I was getting so upset over this, I ran to the bathroom and put myself in a stall and started crying. Then I got to thinking about how I was over-reacting, and that it was the result of hormones. Then I realized that I was feeling a little crampy, and that meant AF was definitely coming, and I started SOBBING. I got so upset, because I’m STILL not pregnant, top that off with this stupid situation with work and I really just kind of lost it. I’m still seething, and on the verge of tears.

Let me make this clear: This staying until 6 thing is NOT that big of a deal. It really isn’t. On a normal day, I probably would be upset, and pissed, but not like this. It’s these stupid, stupid hormones, and the fact that I know what it means makes things even worse. That’s the really, really upsetting thing.

Woo boy. This day is just MADE OF AWESOME.

/end sarcasm

/end rant

Hmm.

I think it’s possible that I might be very slightly depressed.

I, of course, have noticed myself getting increasingly agitated and sad as my EDD comes closer. It took me by surprise when I stepped back and allowed myself to realize that it was happening, but acknowledging it has helped me accept it, I think. What I didn’t notice, however, was my lack of initiative when it comes to doing things… I noticed it this evening.

I had plans on going to the gym, and the grocery store after work. I’ve been putting off going to the grocery store since Sunday. Every time I think about it, it just seems like such an enormous task. So I just keep putting it off.

I also keep putting off calling my mother. Now, this IS an enormous task, as my mother is a very negative person by nature and the fact that she’s going through this crap with her health isn’t helpful with her demeanor. Before you think me a heartless monster, my mom and I don’t have a good relationship at all. She’s a negative, manipulative, toxic person and I try not to talk to her very frequently. The thought of talking to her in all of her negativity, when I myself am feeling very down, is very overwhelming.

The thing that made me think that I might be past the point of just sadness, and may be a little depressed, is the fact that I was sitting here at my computer just browsing, realized that I needed to pay my phone and car insurance bills, and was overwhelmed with this feeling of just not wanting to. Like it was too much. I just wanted to go and lay down on the couch.

Now, I’m not saying I need to be medicated, or hospitalized or anything, but I am acknowledging the fact that I think that maybe my sadness has crossed that threshold, just a little bit. Perhaps vocalizing this will help me keep it in check. I have much to be grateful for in my life… Very, very much.

That is all for now.

Unexpectedly emotional

I just got unexpectedly emotional, and not because of my miscarriage, seeing a pregnant woman, a baby, or the fact that I’m not pregnant.

No, it’s because my friend Michelle is leaving.

Michelle is my long-time friend Ryan’s girlfriend (now fiancee). She and I started going to the gym together this past February. We barely knew each other at all then. From February to May, we saw each other at least three times a week, quite often it was more than that. We’d get coffee, lunch, dinner, etc. We’ve talked about EVERYTHING. She’s asked me to be a bridesmaid, which I accepted without hesitation.

Well, she’s going to school in Georgia, which has become too much of a commute (we live in Tennessee.. At the very bottom of Tennessee, but still), and has decided to move back in with her parents for the next semester. She’s going to be about 45 minutes-one hour away. She’s only going to be gone until January (her wedding) and then she’s moving back here.

I texted her just now to see when she’s leaving, and told her I wanted to hang out with her before she went. She asked me if I’d like to go dress shopping with her again this Saturday, and I said I’d love to. Then, all of a sudden, I realized how much I’m going to miss her. I know she’s not going away forever, and it’s not very far away… But I’m still going to miss her, a lot. I think that she and I have become a lot closer than I realized. At least, I feel like we have. I’m really bad with expressing my feelings, so I need to make sure that I tell her this.