Mommy’s Log: Saturday Morning

Mommy’s Log, Stardate : 04 23 2011.

5:51 A.M. : High pitched squealing from baby’s room indicates that toddler is awake. Agree to wake with said toddler so spouse can remain asleep.
5:53 A.M. : Offer pacifier back to toddler. Hand her stuffed companion. Hold her while rocking in an attempt to coerce her back to sleep.
5:55 A.M. : Attempt failed. Put toddler in high chair and offer her milk and bananas.
6:00 A.M. : Retrieve rejected bananas from floor. Turn on cartoons for toddler.
6:10 A.M. : Toddler seems to be experimenting with how loud a decibel and how high a frequency her voice can go. This is… Disturbing.
6:20 A.M. : Read toddler book.
6:22 A.M. : Repeat reading of book.
6:24 A.M. : Repeat reading of book.
6:25 A.M. : Hide book underneath couch cushion.
6:45 A.M. : Need to use the bathroom hits. Bring toddler into bathroom to monitor. Set out bowl for her to play with. Pull down pants and sit on toilet.
6:45 A.M. : Realize there is no toilet paper. Hastily pull up pants and hurry to 2nd bathroom to find toilet paper.
6:46 A.M. : Return to first bathroom to find toddler’s hands inside toilet. Notice that toilet has urine inside of it from a previous bathroom trip.
6:47 A.M.  : Retrieve toothbrush from toilet. Finish washing off toddler’s hands. Throw toothbrush away. This is what we call a “Mom Fail”.
6:48 – 6:55 A.M. : Watch as toddler systematically destroys contents of bathroom. Entertain the possibility that she is actually a badger.
6:56 A.M.: Wash hands, clean up toddler destruction and free her from the bathroom.
7:00 A.M. : High pitched screeching resumes. Consider buying earplugs.

Find previous Mommy’s Log here.

Mommy’s Log: Operation Sleep

Mommy’s Log, Star Date 07282010.

6:00 P.M. Mother in law drops self and child off at home after picking me up from work. Force child to take a nap in arms. Child fights, screams, kicks. Nothing out of the ordinary.
7:30 P.M. Wake child from nap and place in activity center. Prepare for bathtime and dinner for child.
8:00 P.M. Run to the store to retrieve forgotten sustenance for feline companions.
8:30 P.M. Initiate bedtime routine. Feed child.
8:45 P.M. Bathe child.
9:00 P.M. Wrap child up in pink swaddling contraption. Rub chest with thick, minty petroleum gel in hopes of combating chest congestion. Feed child bottle.
9:15-10:00 P.M. Fight child to sleep. Hold tight while child squirms, thrashes, writhes, and screams in arms. Bounce child in arms. This method works. Stop bouncing once child is asleep.
10:05 P.M. Note: if you stop bouncing, child will wake up.
10:15 P.M. Put child in car seat, still swaddled, in hopes the elevated position will help ease congestion. Set car seat on ottoman and rock ottoman with foot, making sure car seat does not topple off ottoman.
10:25 P.M. Method seems to be working.
10:27 P.M. Child is screaming. Method does not work.
10:30 P.M. Take car seat (with child still strapped in) into lavatory. Turn on hot shower in the attempt to loosen chest congestion. Place car seat on floor. Turn off lights. Sit on toilet while rocking car seat with leg.
10:34 P.M. Develop cramp in leg from rocking. Switch to other leg.
10:37 P.M. Rescue screaming child from car seat and inspect for snakes, which are also on fire. That is the only logical thing that could cause child to scream at such an alarming decibel.
10:38 P.M. Upon inspection, there are no flaming snakes in car seat. Curious.
10:45 P.M. Make child a bottle for comfort. Not probable that child is hungry, as she consumed 8 ounces of formula approximately an hour and a half prior.
11:00 P.M. Transferred sleeping child to crib. Child drank all 4 ounces hungrily and eagerly.
11:07 P.M. All is quiet. Child was hungry the whole time. You are an idiot.

Signing out,