Sleep: The Most Terrifying Thing of All

I am terrified of sleeping.

We didn’t get a bassinette, or pack n play, or anything like that for Nellie to sleep in our room with us. We had planned on putting her in her crib to sleep from the start. There are many factors as to why it’s not practical for her to sleep in the room with us; we have two cats and their litter box is in our room. There’s no other place in the apartment for the litter box. If Nellie is sleeping in the room with us, we don’t want the cats in the room with us, too because we’re afraid they’ll try and climb on her in the middle of the night, knock over what she’s sleeping in, etc. Plus they need to get to their litter box.

We are not co-sleepers. I think it can be dangerous, and can also establish bad sleeping habits later down the road. Even if we were, there is the cat factor again.
So, crib sleeping it is for Nellie. Logically, I know that if I swaddle her and place her on her back in her sleep positioner, she’ll be fine. I have done this, flipped on her baby monitor and attempted to sleep. I find myself hyper-vigilant and having problems sleeping with all the little gurgles and sighs she makes over the monitor. If I do manage to drift off, I end up waking with a nasty jolt after about 45 minutes to an hour when I realize that I’ve been asleep.

I thought I’d found a good solution yesterday. I put Nellie in her Moby for the first time.. In the wee hours of the morning after a feeding, I put her in her crib and snuck off to rest on the couch… No dice. The little lady screamed and would not go to sleep. I was desperate for some shut-eye, so I put her snugly in the Moby (Newborn Cradle Hold), went to the couch, sat up and put my feet on the ottoman, lay my head back and rested. I felt very, very secure with her snug against my chest. I could feel her breathing and look down to check on her every so often. There was no possibility of me dropping her, and since I was resting in a sitting-up semi-reclining position I wasn’t worried about rolling over and smothering her. I thought I’d found the perfect solution for us.

Now I’m starting to second-guess myself. Sometimes she wriggles around in the Moby little by little and her little face is toward my chest. I am worried that she will manage to smother herself against me, or inhale too much of her exhaled air and suffocate. I am simply terrified of sleeping now. I can’t tell if this Moby solution is OK, or if I’m doing something very very stupid and putting my daughter at risk of suffocating. I just don’t know what to do. I can’t get good sleep if she’s in her crib because I’m listening to her on the monitor. I have to sleep or I’ll go insane. Now I’m afraid that she’ll suffocate and die on my chest. The thought of something happening to her is enough to send me into a crying fit, thanks to these lovely post-partum hormones.

So what is a new mommy to do? Screw Freddy Kreuger. Make a horror movie about the nightmares and scenerios a mother has about the things that could happen to her baby in the night while she’s sleeping.. That’s enough to make anyone brew a 10-cup pot of coffee and stay awake all night.

Seriously, though. What do you think? Does the Moby solution sound dangerous to you, or do you think she’ll be okay? I keep thinking that since I’m not really relaxed and am just dozing, I’ll notice a change in her breathing/noises/etc. but… What if?