Hey, Baby, What’s Your Sign?

January 13, 2010 10 Comments

I got off work early yesterday for my weekly doctor visit. After the appointment was over, I had about two hours to kill before picking Josh up from work. I didn’t feel like driving home, sitting for half an hour and then schlepping all the way back across the river to get him, so I hung around the area. I grabbed some lunch at Jason’s Deli (NOM) and camped out there for about an hour reading Dead As a Doornail. After I had eaten my fill of delicious food, I still had about 45 minutes before I needed to leave. I headed to the mall to walk around in an attempt to coax Nellie out. I really shouldn’t say “walk”, I really should say “waddle/plod”.

So, I waddle/plodded my big ole’ self around the mall. I was approaching an escalator headed up to the 2nd level when a man who looked to be in his thirties approached it at the exact same time. We had one of those, “You go!” “No, you go!” moments. I waved him ahead and he thanked me. I got on the escalator after him. About 5 seconds later he half-turns around and looks at me.
“How far along are you?” he asks.
I pat my belly and respond, “39 weeks.”
“Wow,” he says. “You’re close!” I nodded. He continues.
“So are you going to try it all-natural, or what? Are you going to have an epidural?”
…… Um, okay, random stranger. This is a little odd. I’m not very good at random social interactions with people I don’t know, so I try to be polite.
“I’m going to try it natural.”
He nods. “Right on, right on,” he says. It’s about this time that I realize his speech is a little slurred. I detect a faint hint of alcohol, but I wasn’t sure if it was just my imagination.
“Yeah, we’ll see if I can make it!” I respond cheerfully, hoping that will end the conversation. I’m expecting him to break eye contact, turn back around and spend the rest of the escalator ride in silence.
No luck. He maintains eye contact with me to the point of staring. Then he speaks again.
“So, is the daddy around? I mean, his he in your life?”
Wait. Just. A. Minute.
I’m not a very observant woman, especially when it comes to the affections of men. I’m not used to being flirted with or hit on. I don’t know if I just give off a very “don’t even try it” vibe or what. I know I’m not the most beautiful girl ever, but I’m certainly not UN attractive. My husband insists that I’ve always just been oblivious to attention I receive from the opposite sex and write flirting off as just the guy being nice. HOWEVER, even I can’t really ignore this one.
I am being hit on. He is trying to pick me up. I have my unwashed hair in a bun, ZERO MAKEUP on my face, my shirt has stains from dribbling the chili I had for lunch on it, and I am roughly the size of a small third-world country… And this man is asking if I have a dude in my life. Really, guy? REALLY? What if I had said, “No, the daddy isn’t around. It’s just me.” Would he have swept me off my swollen cankles in a grand gesture of chivalry? Offered to take me to dinner? Be my baby’s daddy? I hesitated for a split second, and continued to be polite. I even chuckled.
“Oh, yes, he’s at work. I’m just killing time before I have to go pick him up.”
Mr. “I Love Fatties” faltered for a second before saying, “Oh right on, right on. Well that’s great. Ya’ll just stick together and everything will be great!”
Thanks for the advice.
It was the longest and most awkward escalator ride in the history of long and awkward escalator rides. I was so taken aback by this exchange and so surprised that, in the immortal words of Clark W. Griswold, “If I had woken up tomorrow morning with my head sewn to the carpet”, I couldn’t have been more surprised than I was at that moment. I supposed a part of me was flattered that someone would hit on me, even in my present planet-like state. I texted roughly half my friends and regaled them with my tale.
Why is it only the weirdos ever hit on me? It’s not like I’m available and would, you know, act on an advance a man made toward me but just once… Couldn’t I be hit on by a guy who wasn’t drunk, high, or 65 years old and wearing a Members Only jacket? Please?
Filed Under: pregnancy, random

39 Weeks – Baby Watermelon

January 13, 2010 6 Comments

Your baby matches up to a mini-watermelon, weighing a bit over 7 pounds. (Length: about 20 inches, head to heel.)

Your baby’s waiting to greet the world! He continues to build a layer of fat to help control his body temperature after birth, but it’s likely he already measures about 20 inches and weighs a bit over 7 pounds, a mini watermelon. (Boys tend to be slightly heavier than girls.) The outer layers of his skin are sloughing off as new skin forms underneath.


How far along? 39 weeks 3 Days
Total weight gain/loss 38 pounds total. Gulp.
Maternity clothes? I’m running out of things that fit!!!!
Stretch marks? UGH. Yes. ALL OVER my hips, and some on the underside of my stomach.
Sleep *thumbs down*
Best moment this week My husband got a full time job!
Movement She’s getting cramped. All her movements are squirms and pushes now.
Food cravings None really.
Gender Girl!
Labor Signs 2 cm dilated. 50% effaced. Baby’s head is at -2 station.
Belly Button in or out? In.
What I miss Being comfortable, and feeling rested.
What I am looking forward to meeting this little girl!!!
Weekly Wisdom Relax and sleep!
Milestones *shrug*

Doctor’s appointment went well yesterday. Blood pressure was 128/78. I had some ankle swelling in the evening – I didn’t even recognize my fat little cankles. The doctor says that she predicts she’ll see me at my regular appointment next week… Which is disappointing, but anything can happen. I’m really, REALLY hoping that Nellie comes this weekend so daddy doesn’t have to miss any orientation at his new job and have to make it up. I am starting to feel like she’s never coming out of there!


Filed Under: 39 weeks, 3rd trimester, belly pics, belly pics - 39 weeks, pregnancy, weekly baby update

Please. Do NOT Provoke the Preggo.

January 8, 2010 18 Comments

Now that I’m at the tail-end of my pregnancy, I figured I’d let out a small rant. I think it’s warranted.

To begin, I’d like to make it crystal clear that I love being pregnant. I have loved each and every second of this pregnancy, even the morning sickness. Mostly because I didn’t have morning sickness badly with my first pregnancy, and we all know how that ended. I love my belly getting bigger. I love feeling Nellie move, even when she jabs me so hard it hurts or feels really strange. I love each and every moment that my little girl grows in my belly.
That being said, one of the things I could deal without in regards to pregnancy are the hormones. I haven’t had so much of the weepy ones (aside from the occasional commercial or movie) but boy, have I ever had the irritability. If I thought that 1st trimester irritability was bad.. Woo. I hadn’t seen ANYTHING yet.
Being pregnant seems to open you up to all sorts of random comments from strangers. I don’t know if people think they’re being helpful, or funny, or witty, or what but most often they are being obnoxious and ridiculous. There is something about the sight of a pregnant woman that makes normally smart people lose their brains for a temporary period of time, and think that certain things that should not be uttered are a great idea to blab directly to said pregnant woman. I will never understand why people think it’s OK to say such things when they know a woman is in a very delicate hormonal state; probably the most delicate hormonal state of her life.
So, here is a list of the things that have irked me most in my 3rd trimester:
  1. Demanding I choose my due date. For example:
    “When are you due?”
    “January 17th.”
    “Oh, you need to wait until January 22nd to have that baby. That’s when my son, little Junior So-and-So was born!”
    “Really. That’s great.”
    Honestly, people, I cannot squeeze my legs together and keep the baby in if she wants to come out. Nor can I jump up and down and shake myself like a Coke bottle until she erupts forth from my vagina like a mass of bubbles and fizz. This baby will come when she is ready.
  2. Repeatedly asking me when I am due, especially if I see you on a regular basis. I understand that not everyone is as invested in this pregnancy as my husband and I are. That goes without saying. But if I know you relatively well, and you ask me every single time you see me (which is weekly or more than once a week) when I’m due, I’m going to get tired of sounding like a broken record. I’m going to start making shit up, just to see if you’re paying attention. “FebuMarch 40th, 2010.” Another question that could set off a pregnant woman into a rage is, “When’s that baby gonna get here?” I swear, if I get asked that one more f-ing time, I’m going to lose it. How am I supposed to know when she’s going to be here, for crying out loud? My psychic abilities don’t kick in until I’m 30, sorry.
  3. Gawking at how big/small I am. You really cannot win with this, folks. It’s best when you see a pregnant woman to say, “Wow, you look wonderful!” I don’t need to hear that I’m huge, nor do I want to hear that I’m super small. I am aware that my belly has grown since you last saw me; that’s what happens when a woman is pregnant. The baby grows, and so does the woman’s belly. It’s been happening for thousands of years, so stop acting so shocked that I have a swollen tummy.
  4. Staring at me like I have three heads when I mention my birth/parenting style of choice. Or, giving me a sympathetic/condescending smile and tell me that “that’ll change”. Yes, I’m planning a natural childbirth. No, I’m not insane. Yes, I’m aware childbirth hurts. Oh, you had an epidural? That’s fantastic, good for you. Of course I’m aware that I may change my mind, but I’m going to try my best not to. Oh, you wanted a natural childbirth too but just couldn’t do it? I’m sorry, when did my life and yours become the same thing?
    No, we’re not planning on co-sleeping. I don’t care if it’s easier to breastfeed in the middle of the night. We’re not doing it. And stop looking at me with that LOOK and tell me to “wait and see, I’ll change my mind”. I’ll stick to my guns JUST TO PROVE YOU WRONG, because I am stubborn, so is my husband and THAT’S HOW WE ROLL.
  5. “When I was pregnant back in 1874” stories. I don’t care what was the breastfeeding style (or lack thereof), clothing style, parenting style, or childbirthing style when you were pregnant back in the Dark Ages. It’s 2009. Times have changed. Get over it.
  6. Making fun/poking jokes/openly criticizing my kid’s name. This one. Oooohhh, this one just makes my blood boil thinking about it. I’m aware that our name of choice is not run of the mill. Let me explain something. Nellie was my grandmother and she died when I was ten. I have wanted to name my first daughter Nellie pretty much since I was a teenager. I made this clear to my sibling, and all of my cousins: the name Nellie is MINE. I’ve had dibs for a long time. Upon hearing what we’re naming our daughter, I’ve mostly gotten a positive reception but I have gotten a few gems that made me want to fly off the handle and rage. Here are a few:
    “Nellie? Like that bitch from Little House on the Prairie?”
    “Nellie, huh? Are you gonna call her Nell, like that retard in that movie? HUH HUH.”
    “WHOA, NELLIE!”
    “Like the rapper?”
    And this one, readers.. Was my personal “favorite”. It happened just the other day while I was sitting at work, minding my own business. The following exchange occurred between me and a woman who works in the building I do.
    “Hey there Natalie, when’s that baby due?”
    *trying not to scream, as I’ve told this woman at least 5 times* “January 17th.”
    “And what are you gonna call it?”
    “HER name is Nellie Rose.”
    “You know she’s going to hate you for naming her that, right?”
    This is what I heard in my head, ya’ll:


    What I wanted to do was calmly grab the coffee cup sitting beside me, and lob it forcefully at her head until I heard a satisfying CLUNK. What I said was,
    “Well, she doesn’t have much of a say in the matter, does she?”
    The woman replied, “Oh I know it, but you just know that when she gets older she’s going to be like, ‘Mother! You gave me such a stupid name. It’s so old fashioned!'”
    URGE TO KILL. RISING. RISING. I’m not sure what it is about people making fun of
    Nellie’s name. I think, to me, it’s like making fun of her and that raises my hair on end and makes me feel like an angry lioness about to defend her cub. I seriously want to rage at anyone who have something negative to say about my little daughter’s name.

I know this post sounds really bitchy, hormonal and ranty but really… I’m 9 months pregnant, I’m tired, cranky, and deserve a good rant every now and again, damnit. Hopefully my fellow pregnant women (and people who have been in my shoes) will have gotten a good chuckle out of this. If you are suddenly frightened by your friendly internet blogger, please don’t be. Just set down something tasty for me to eat, slowly back away, and you’ll be fine.

Probably.

Filed Under: 3rd trimester, end of pregnancy, please do not provoke the preggo, pregnancy, pregnancy - irritation

Rescuing the Orca AKA Getting My Big Fat Pregnant Ass Outta Bed

December 28, 2009 9 Comments

Greetings, readers! I’ve recovered from my long weekend, and am back to my beloved blog. I will probably post my weekly baby update/belly picture tomorrow after my doctor’s appointment. I completely missed last week. Whoops. Bad blogger! In the meantime, enjoy my latest post.. All about getting my big fat ass out of bed.

I had once been told by a friend of mine who had been pregnant with twins that in order to get out of her bed once she had gotten big, she had to grab onto the headboard and roll herself off. This was in early pregnancy, when my baby belly was simply a dream to me. I, of course, laughed at the visual and figured that it was something that happened solely to women carrying multiples.
Oh, how very… very wrong I was.
I have since learned the error of my way of thinking; as I, too have become one of the Pregnant Launchers. You can’t really explain it to someone who hasn’t ever been pregnant. I don’t think even being overweight or obese can compare, because to my knowledge, fat moves. Baby stomach… Does not move. It’s like a boulder that you get strapped to your middle; one that is constantly there, constantly in the way. An immovable, round barrier that bars you from doing normal activities. Like.. Tying shoes. Sitting close to a table (resulting in mama constantly dropping food onto the “shelf”). Bending over. Hugging your husband/partner properly. Hugging ANYONE properly. Breathing well. Passing by people in a restaurant behind their chairs to get to the bathroom. And, of course, getting out of bed.
Yes, you can still get out of bed but not without a lot of noise and to-do. At least, I can’t.. And I’m honestly and truly not that big. Of course, I am 37 weeks pregnant but I’m not that big. No, I’m not in denial. I’ve had a couple people tell me I’m not that big, thank you very much. Since a little over mid-pregnancy, I’ve embraced the glories and wonders of the body pillow. It’s not a fancy, expensive pregnant-lady body pillow but a $10 one from Wal-Mart that I stole from the couch when I started getting uncomfortable. I cannot sleep without my body pillow. I’m a side-sleeper by nature so transitioning to side-sleeping only was never a problem for me… Getting used to sleeping draped awkwardly over a pillow, however, did take a little time getting used to. Not to mention the fact that I can’t freaking snuggle with my husband anymore, which SUCKS.
I digress. I can never stay comfortably asleep on one side for more than an hour or two at a time before I have to roll over. I used to try and just roll over and go right back to sleep, but it took so much adjusting, grunting and tossing of the pillow I just gave up and began shifting sides whenever I had to pee (which, coincidentally enough happens to be every 2-3 hours). I normally start out sleeping on my right side, embracing the body pillow for dear comfort. Upon my first waking, I have to begin the Ritual of the Rolling. Taking care not to launch my feline companions that are snug at the foot of the bed, I’ll pull the covers off. Then, I’ll drag the body pillow completely out from under the covers, fling it off the bed and give a little sigh. Next comes the heaving. I will roll ever-so-slightly to the right to get my momentum going, and then roll as hard as I can the opposite direction, flailing my arms and legs to get as much leverage off the bed as possible. I’m amazed that my husband does not wake each and every time from the amount of movement and noise that comes from me when I get out of bed. Once I’m in a sitting position (wincing from the groin and pelvic pain), I’ll hoist myself up off the bed to a standing position with much more noise and effort, and shuffle awkwardly to the restroom.
After I’ve done my business, I will get back into bed, snag my body pillow from the floor and switch to my left side. I’ll nestle the pillow properly where I like it, cover myself back up, and wait to fall asleep.
This process will repeat in 2 or 3 hours. I have seriously considered installing some form of rigging to the bed that will simply lift me out; like one of those big ass crane/sling things they use to rescue whales from the shore when they’ve become beached.

Yeah, that thing.

Just call me Shamu, baby. Just call me Shamu.
Filed Under: pregnancy, pregnancy - humor, pregnancy -body changes

1st Trimester Deja Vu

December 1, 2009 4 Comments

So… I just had to make a dash for the bathroom here at work.

To throw up.

WTF, I’m in the 3rd trimester… Not the first. It was seriously reminiscent of my Morning Sickness days when I was rushing to the restroom three times a morning to vomit. Ugh. I feel like crap. I don’t know if something I ate is sitting poorly with me, or what. Maybe my stomach is just too full. I guzzled a bunch of water and that’s when I started feeling sick.

I kept it together for most of the way down the hall. I gagged a little but was able to keep it in, and then this guy walked by me with THE STRONGEST COLOGNE EVER and I almost barfed on his shoes. He would have been all like, “OMG, YOU BARFED ON MY SHOES.” and I would have been like, “MAYBE YOU SHOULDN’T TAKE YOUR BATHS IN COLOGNE, SIR, BECAUSE YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN A PREGNANT WOMAN ON THE VERGE OF VOMITING WILL WALK BY YOU AND SPEW ON YOUR SHOES.” and then I would have walked away.

Where was I going with this? Hell, who knows. I feel like crap. My stomach is still churning. Ugh.

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Filed Under: 3rd trimester, pregnancy, wtf pregnancy

33 Week Belly Picture

November 30, 2009 3 Comments

How far along? 33 Weeks 1 Day
Total weight gain/loss Not as much as I’d originally thought. At my doctor appointment last week, I hadn’t gained any from the previous appointment. My total weight gain is at 25 pounds, not 28 like I thought.
Maternity clothes? Affirmative.
Stretch marks? A few new ones popping up along the sides of my belly.
Sleep Still disrupted by frequent side-switches and bathroom breaks.
Best moment this week Unpacking her clothes and tossing them in her hamper in preparation to wash them!
Movement She’s been moving a lot more consistently the past few days.
Food cravings MOZZERELLA STICKS.
Gender Girl!
Labor Signs Got my cervix checked at last appointment; it’s tightly closed. No contractions. I actually haven’t even had any Braxton Hicks.
Belly Button in or out? Still an innie – but it’s getting flatter.
What I miss Not having lower back pain.
What I am looking forward to Our 3d ultrasound on Saturday and baby shower #2 on SUNDAY!
Weekly Wisdom Can’t think of anything right now.
Milestones 8 months pregnant!

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Filed Under: 33 weeks, 3rd trimester, belly pics - 33 weeks, pregnancy

33 Weeks – Baby Pineapple

November 30, 2009 1 Comment

This week your baby weighs a little over 4 pounds (heft a pineapple) and has passed the 17-inch mark. He’s rapidly losing that wrinkled, alien look and his skeleton is hardening. The bones in his skull aren’t fused together, which allows them to move and slightly overlap, thus making it easier for him to fit through the birth canal. (The pressure on the head during birth is so intense that many babies are born with a conehead-like appearance.) These bones don’t entirely fuse until early adulthood, so they can grow as his brain and other tissue expands during infancy and childhood.

— From BabyCenter.com

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Filed Under: 33 weeks, 3rd trimester, pregnancy, weekly baby update

Weekly Belly Pic – 32 Weeks

November 23, 2009 3 Comments
Taken at 32 weeks.

How far along? 32 Weeks, 1 day
Total weight gain/loss Still at 28 pounds total gained since start of pregnancy. I’ll find out at the doctor on Wednesday how much I’ve gained since last visit.
Maternity clothes? Affirmative.
Stretch marks? No new ones to report; just the ones near my hips/side of the belly.
Sleep Still disrupted by frequent side-switches and bathroom breaks.
Best moment this week Having random strangers ask me about the baby.
Movement She’s having a quiet period. She hasn’t been as spastic the past few days. Still moving, but a lot gentler and less frequently.
Food cravings NEEDED ice cream Friday night, with rainbow sprinkles. Hubby indulged my craving! He rocks!
Gender Girl!
Labor Signs None.
Belly Button in or out? Still an innie.
What I miss 8 solid hours of sleep, having a beer with dinner or a cold deli sandwich.
What I am looking forward to Moving into our new apartment at the end of the week and starting on her nursery!
Weekly Wisdom Can’t think of anything right now.
Milestones 8 months pregnant!


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Filed Under: 3rd trimester, belly pics, belly pics - 32 weeks, pregnancy

Weekly Belly Pic – 31 Weeks

November 16, 2009 11 Comments

So this is not my typical belly picture. This is my costume from the belated Halloween party (if you are wondering why the hell I attended a Halloween party 2 weeks late, read this post to catch up). I forgot to take a 31 week belly pic yesterday, so this will have to suffice. Pardon the picture quality; it’s from my husband’s cell phone and his phone doesn’t have the best camera.

How far along? 31 Weeks, 1 day
Total weight gain/loss Up a whopping 28 pounds as of last appointment. Yikes.
Maternity clothes? Affirmative.
Stretch marks? OMG. Yes. Tuesday night, I discovered some on my hips. Not really my belly, but the side where my belly meets my hip. SOB.
Sleep Is a distant memory.
Best moment this week Our BABY SHOWER!
Movement She moves.. A lot, when she wants to. She has no pattern, no routine and sometimes I have to sit there and shake her to make her move. I did that this morning, and she sleepily woke up, got the hiccups and then started kicking the HELL out me. I was happy.
Food cravings Nothing huge this week.
Gender Girl!
Labor Signs None.
Belly Button in or out? Still an innie.
What I miss 8 hours solid sleep!
What I am looking forward to Meeting my little girl!
Weekly Wisdom Take it easy, and slow down…
Milestones IDK, is 31 week a milestone? Hehe.

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Filed Under: 3rd trimester, belly pics, belly pics - 31 weeks, pregnancy

31 Weeks – Baby Naval Oranges

November 16, 2009 2 Comments
Your baby now weighs as much as four navel oranges. (Length: over 16 inches, head to heel.)

This week, your baby measures over 16 inches long. He weighs about 3.3 pounds (try carrying four navel oranges) and is heading into a growth spurt. He can turn his head from side to side, and his arms, legs, and body are beginning to plump out as needed fat accumulates underneath his skin. He’s probably moving a lot, too, so you may have trouble sleeping because your baby’s kicks and somersaults keep you up. Take comfort: All this moving is a sign that your baby is active and healthy.

–From BabyCenter.com

Note from Mama:
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Filed Under: 31 weeks, 3rd trimester, pregnancy, weekly baby update
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