I was inspired to write this post while sitting on my couch and listening to the loud ass mofos outside screeching with wanton Friday night glee. SHUT UP, ASSHOLES, AND STOP REMINDING THE REST OF US THAT WE ARE OLD AND IN PAJAMAS AT 9 P.M. ON A FRIDAY.
Here are the worst things about living in an apartment, in no particular order, because I’m lazy.
1. That awkward moment when you cross paths with someone in the hallway that you’ve seen coming and going for the entire 3 years you’ve lived there but don’t know their name. “Oh hi… You…! How’s that…. Dog…cat? Child? Of yours? OK BYE”
2. Hearing the shower upstairs run at the same time that you are taking a shower. Both of you are naked right now. Eeeewww.
3. Worrying about a fire. What if those damn rock n’ roll loving heathen kids upstairs leave their bong on? EVERYONE IS INCINERATED. THANKS A LOT, CAPTAIN DOOBIE OF THE U.S.S. REEFER.
4. My goddamn upstairs neighbors and their elephant-dog. I’M SERIOUS. This thing is a magical creature. A freak of nature that shouldn’t exist. I will catch a rare glimpse of it in the mornings as it’s pissing outside. It looks like a sweet little boxer pup. Aside from this dog’s morning tinkles, it only awakens between the hours of 11 P.M. and 1 A.M. and when it does, it is suddenly an elephant. That’s tap dancing. With shoes made of lead. And then it throws bowling balls across the floor. HOW IS THIS DOG SO LOUD? Sometimes, I think the residents themselves start on one side of the room and run, full-speed, to the other only to crash into the wall and onto the floor. *stompstompstompstompBANGTHUD*
5. The swimming pool. I took Nellie to the swimming pool last summer and she loved it. I loved it! Fun pool times for everyone! Then I went swimming in my sister-in-law’s pool, and realized that her water doesn’t have a weird oily film on the top of it. Wait, you mean all swimming pools don’t make you itchy after you get out of them? MY SUMMER WAS MADE OF LIES.
6. Sharing physical space with someone when you are checking your mail. Those little mail areas are tiny, and I always dread having to walk into the little hallway when someone else is there. It’s even worse when their mailbox is near mine. I don’t like making small talk – it doesn’t come naturally to me – so I just give them this weird awkward creeper half-smile and avert my eyes to the ground. What the hell am I supposed to say anyway? “Ohhhh, cable bill, huh? What do you watch? Oh, really? Honey Boo Boo? Eeeerrrrr….. I left my humidifier on and I think it’s burning my apartment down.”
7. People who park thisclose to your car. All I can say about that is this: A;SLKDJF;ALDFJ;LAWUOI4UTAKJGMDN,N!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
8. Bugs. Let’s face it, even if you keep a clean place, you are sharing a building with many other people who may not be as tidy as you. Sometimes, bugs happen and sometimes, they make you piss your pants because they’re so close to the light switch when you reach around your door to turn on the light at 2 A.M., you almost touch them and their revolting little exoskeletons from hell. ….I mean ….
9. You don’t really know the “history” of your apartment. Who knows what could be hidden in the walls? Cockroaches, mold, fungus, dust, bodies – there is just no telling.
10. Drunk college people stumbling home at 2 A.M. and screaming at each other. Hey, guys. I get it. I used to be you, believe it or not. Just because I sit at home on the weekends in my oversized a capella chorus shirts and watch Downton Abbey doesn’t mean I was always lame as shit. And really, I’m not THAT lame. I love that Thrift Shop song, and I am pretty sure that makes me cool. But seriously, folks. PIPE THE FUCK DOWN IT’S 2 A.M. AND MY CHILD IS SLEEPING. IF YOU WAKE HER UP I WILL BASH YOUR KNEECAPS WITH HER TOY SWORD. LET’S SEE YOU EVACUATE THE DANCE FLOOR WITH BROKEN KNEES.
Those are my least favorite things about living in an apartment. What are yours?