Happy Birthday & Remembering Green Bean


Today is my husband’s 30th birthday! Woot woot! He never sees his birthday as a big deal, but I always see birthdays as a big deal. I’m a big fat failer and didn’t plan anything, though.. He is working all weekend however, so I guess that makes it a little more excusable. I’m so honored, so delighted, and so effing lucky to have this man as my husband and the father of my child. He’s the funniest, sweetest, dearest, sexiest man alive and I feel blessed every day to be his wife.

Today is also Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. October 15th has been bittersweet for me since losing Green Bean and it’s a very fine line to walk. On one hand, I want to celebrate my husband’s life and his birthday but on the other I feel the need to spread the word of the other significance of today; honoring and remembering babies that were lost to us.

Today I honor our Green Bean, who I miscarried around 7 weeks. For 20 days I was mama to my little bean but he has been in my heart ever since. I still think about that first babe and still miss him. I never saw his face, held his hands, fed him or rocked him to sleep as I do my living daughter but that doesn’t make Green Bean any less my baby. He always has been and always will be my babe.

Today is for the lost ones, for the babies who weren’t meant for this world. I wrote this post a year ago today while pregnant with Nellie, and quoted lyrics from the song that I deemed to be Green Bean’s. I post the lyrics again, today, in his honor.

When You Come Back Down
Nickel Creek

You got to leave me now, you got to go alone
You got to chase a dream, one that’s all your own
Before it slips away
When you’re flyin’ high, take my heart along
I’ll be the harmony to every lonely song
That you learn to play
When you’re soarin’ through the air I’ll be your solid ground
Take every chance you dare I’ll still be there
When you come back down
When you come back down
I’ll keep lookin’ up, awaitin’ your return
My greatest fear will be that you will crash and burn
And I won’t feel your fire
I’ll be the other hand that always holds the line
Connectin’ in between your sweet heart and mine
I’m strung out on that wire
And I’ll be on the other end,
To hear you when you call
Angel, you were born to fly,
If you get too high I’ll catch you when you fall
I’ll catch you when you fall
Your memory’s the sunshine every new day brings
I know the sky is calling
Angel, let me help you with your wings
When you’re soarin’ through the air I’ll be your solid ground
Take every chance you dare I’ll still be there
When you come back down
Take every chance you dare, I’ll still be there
When you come back down
When you come back down

The Truth? I Still Miss You.

Part of me thought that when I had a baby, the pain of my miscarriage would go away. With time, the pain of my miscarriage has lessened, for sure… But it never really goes away. The sadness is always there, hiding in the back of my mind. I’m reminded of Green Bean at the most random times; at work, when I see a long-forgotten calendar on the wall, frozen on December of 2007. I was filing some things away the other day, looked up, and saw it. I stopped in my tracks and just stared at the 22nd. The night we lost our Green Bean. I remembered that night with sadness in my heart. Yes, I have my living baby but that night.. I will never forget the pain of that night. Every detail is etched in my memory.

Any time I see a picture of an early ultrasound, I remember Nellie’s first ultrasound but I also remember the one time we saw Green Bean, and his/her heartbeat. I think about the night I found out I was pregnant with GB all the time. I remember that night with a sad smile.

I wonder a lot.
I wonder what GB would look like. It blows my mind that if things had gone differently, GB would be 22 months old. I never even knew if GB was a boy or a girl (though I felt like it was a boy). Would he have curls? Would they be blondish like daddy’s hair (when he doesn’t shave it), or dark like mine? What sort of things would he like to do? When I see a child that is around where GB should be, these thoughts always pop into my head. Always.

And then I think.. If I hadn’t lost GB, Nellie probably would not be here. I wouldn’t have this sweet, precious child in my arms. Everything happens for a reason..

But I still miss my first babe. No matter how many babies I go on to have, there will never be another Green Bean. There is a special, sacred, untouchable place in my heart for that first little one, whose name I never knew and whose face I never saw.

Your song. This will always be your song.

Losing Green Bean – 2 Years Later

Today marks 2 years since we lost our first baby, whom I lovingly called ‘Green Bean’.

I found out that I was pregnant with GB on December 1st, 2007 after only one attempt trying to conceive. To say that we were excited is an understatement, as you can tell if you clicked on the link a few lines back. You were with us for a little over three weeks, baby. You were so small; so tiny. We got to see your heart beating on an ultrasound just three days before you had to leave us and I am so, so glad I got the chance to see you. I still have your picture in the frame we bought (“Watching You Grow, Loving You So”). It’s wrapped safely away in the Baby Looney Tunes blanket daddy got for you, and tucked away in a very special box. I’m wearing my Forget-Me-Not necklace in memory of you today.

I’m pregnant with your sister right now. This time last year was so hard, because not only was it the first anniversary and my heart was aching; not only from missing you but also because we still didn’t have a precious baby to love. You were the very first, Green Bean and nothing will ever change that. The day we lost you was one of the darkest, saddest moments of my life. You taught me so much, and having you for the short period of time defined me in ways I never thought possible. You changed my life, little one.. For the better, and forever. I will always remember and love you.

And again, here is Your Song, little one.. The one that makes me think of you every time I hear it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=arTtGq-E8Xo

Love, Always and Always,

Mommy.

Two Years Ago Today.

On December 1st, 2007 I was in the bathroom of our old 1 bedroom apartment, all dolled up and ready for my company’s Christmas party….. Staring in disbelief at a little pink plus sign on a home pregnancy test. It was my first BFP.

Josh was skeptical because it was faint. …. But only a little skeptical. He noted that I was faint and I assured him it didn’t matter. But he suggested I take another test first thing in the morning anyhow. That night at the Christmas party he and I snuck secret smiles back and forth as we both thought about what we suspected to be true. The next morning I tested and was not surprised to see another positive result. We celebrated that day; walking around with big goofy grins plastered all over our faces.

That was our Green Bean. Our first little baby. We were blessed enough to see that baby’s heartbeat, but that little one didn’t make it but a few days longer. He hung in there long enough for us to catch that fleeting glimpse. I still have the ultrasound picture. It’s tucked away in a box, wrapped in the blanket we bought for our first little bean. I was blessed enough to carry our baby for 22 days and then fate had other plans for him and he had to go.

Never forget you, little one, not for a second. <3

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