So much for hoping..

So last night, while lying in bed, I started getting these gigantic tap-dancing butterflies in my stomach. My period still hasn’t shown up, I wasn’t crampy at all yesterday, and my cervix is high and closed.

I couldn’t sleep because I started to maybe think that I really was pregnant, and not just annoyingly late. I began to think about how I was going to tell everyone, and the butterflies got worse. I was willing myself not to be excited, but it just wasn’t happening.

Well….. I went to the bathroom this morning.. And after wiping there’s orangish discharge. The kind I get at the beginning of AF. *sighs* I feel like such an idiot for having hope. I got two BFNs, I don’t know why the hell I was holding out so much hope for this cycle. I’m obviously just having an abnormally long cycle for me. Nothing to get all excited about.

I feel like crying.

I bought an big bottle of those Origin vitamins that everyone’s been talking about at TTCAM. I haven’t taken one yet, because they’re not for pregnant women and I didn’t know if I was pregnant or not. Once AF shows up I’ll start taking them.

:(

AF is MIA

Okay, so AF is still a no-show. I am now on CD32. I haven’t had a cycle this long since April of 2008. I have had a 26-30 day cycle since after the miscarriage, with the exception of April of 2008. What the hell?

I was sure she’d come overnight last night, as I was cramping while lying in bed. I got up around 2 AM to use the bathroom, and when I wiped my mucous was tinged, VERY slightly, with pinkish. I was satisfied (albeit a little disappointed, naturally) that she was finally coming. When I woke this morning I was fully expecting to see a bloody mess, but no. Nothing. Nada. No hint of color when I wipe whatsoever.

WHAT GIVES?! I took a pregnancy test yesterday morning, BFN. If I were pregnant, wouldn’t it show up by now? I’m still feeling moderately full down there like something is just waiting to happen. I’m just absolutely perplexed, I don’t even know what to think.

I’m not going to test again until Monday morning.. If she doesn’t show before then, of course.

Wow, really?

So this lady who works in our building came in to see how my coworker (who, by the way, lost her baby :( ) was doing. I told her that she was off ’till Tuesday on bereavement leave and was having her D&C on Monday, and she said, “Well, that’s so sad. I’ve been praying for her. But you know what? It’ll happen for her, she’ll get her baby. It happened so easily for them this time, I bet it’ll take them no time to get pregnant again.”

I just looked at her and said, “My husband and I got pregnant on our first try, and had a miscarriage. We’ve been trying since June to get pregnant again.” And she just sort of stared at me and was like, “Really?”

Then she proceeded to babble at me about her 4 sons and how she still sees them as children, and blah blah blah blah blah. I wanted to be like, how about you don’t offer words of wisdom and advice when you have no fucking clue what the hell you’re talking about?

Pardon my French, it just irritated the crap out of me.

*looks at watch*

OK, so I’m a moron and I tested again.

I tested this morning with FMU, and, as I suspected, BFN. Awesome.

So I’m about 99.9% sure I’m not pregnant, and now it’s just a waiting game for AF to get her happy ass here. I’m getting frustrated because this is a slightly longer cycle than I’ve been used to. Oy. Maybe those vitamins will help get things back to the way they used to be…. 28-29 days like CLOCKWORK.

*facepalm*

Well, against my better judgement, I went to Walgreens on my way from dropping Josh off at his brother’s yesterday afternoon and bought a pack of 2 HPTs. I tested around 6:00 PM, and of course, was greeted with a

BIG. FAT. NEGATIVE.

I’m so mad at myself for even testing. I told myself I wouldn’t test until Saturday morning if AF hadn’t shown up by then. Ugh. I was feeling relatively optimistic; I didn’t feel AF-ish really at all, so I thought maybe. But no dice. I’m expecting AF today or tomorrow so I figured that if I were pregnant, I’d get a BFP for sure. But no, BFN, BFN, BFN. Ugh. I was so upset that I stormed into the kitchen, threw open the fridge, pulled out a jar of green olives and gobbled like, 5 of them down. Don’t ask me why the hell I did, I just saw them and was like, “I’M EATING YOU NOW DAMNIT”.
I even went so far as to do something I’ve never done before; I pried apart the HPT to see the stick and make sure there were no hiding BFP shadows. I am truly ashamed of myself. *sigh*

Today I’m feeling kind of crampy, enough to where I brought some pads with me to work. So it looks like we’re going to be on to cycle #8, unless something miraculous and totally unexpected happens. I’ve been hearing a lot on TTCAM about these Origins vitamins. I don’t know what they’re supposed to do but I made a post this morning asking about them. I’m thinking about getting some PreSeed, unless these vitamins are supposed to help with CM.

I never dreamed that it’d take this long. Ugh.

Almost the moment of truth

I’m expecting AF to show her head anywhere between today and Friday. I’m going to try to hold off on testing until Saturday morning, if she doesn’t show by then.

I’m feeling relatively indifferent with just a touch of optimism about this month. I’ve been crampy on and off since pretty much just a few days after ovulation, which is both disheartening and mystifying at the same time for me. I don’t know how that is possible, but that is the way I feel.

Ever since the cycle back in.. August, I think it was where I truly thought my IPS were RPS and that I was pregnant only to be ambushed by AF, I haven’t put much stock into IPS. Things I have noticed about this month is an abundance of creamy CM since a few days after O, I’ve been REALLY gassy (sometimes I think I’m cramping and get kind of disappointed, and then I’ll pass gas and the feeling will go away.. TMI, sorry!), and very tired. Monday and Tuesday night I went to bed around 8:30 PM. I would have probably gone to bed early last night but I had chorus and didn’t get home until later.

So there we have it. I don’t know what to think about this cycle. Part of me is hopeful, and the other part of me is so used to being disappointed and let down that I cannot possibly believe that this is finally it. I’ve honestly gotten into the mindset that I will never again get pregnant, so the thought of actually succeeding and getting a positive test result seems so out of the realm of possibility it’s hard to get excited.

Only time will tell. Keep your fingers crossed for me, if you are so inclined. An October pumpkin would be an awfully nice birthday gift for Josh.

I fly like paper, get high like planes
If you catch me at the border I got visas in my name
If you come around here, I make ’em all day
I get one down in a second if you wait
Paper Planes, M.I.A

Cycle 7 news

Well, this is our 7th cycle of trying since we started last June. We had to take two months off, obviously, because of the surgery.

I’m not feeling so optimistic for this cycle. I’m having an abundance of creamy CM, which is generally a sign of AF coming. She’s not due for another 6-9 days, but generally I get very creamy CM after O so.. We’ll just wait and see, I guess.

No symptoms, I’m guessing I’m probably just now at around 7 DPO. Maybe 6. I don’t really know when I ovulated for sure. I did feel really weird and crampy all day yesterday though. A lot of it was in my back, which I’m kind of attributing to the fact that my chair/desk combination here at work sucks. I’ve been pretty much sitting at my computer for a week straight working on our billing so my back/legs/knees have been absolutely killing me.

Last month, my breasts were sore pretty much from around ovulation time until AF was due. They got really, REALLY sore close to AF. I posted a message about it on TTCAM and one of the pieces of feedback was a question of whether I’d been to the doctor to check for ovarian cysts. The poster said that she had a similar issue and when she went to the doc, they found cysts on her ovaries. Now I’m completely and utterly paranoid about cysts on my ovaries. What if she’s right? I don’t want to go to the doctor and have to do an ultrasound and be charged $300 for nothing to be wrong. I’m worried that I’m over-analyzing, and that it’s just something my body does since the miscarriage. A lot of things have changed about my body since we lost the baby. It mimics pregnancy a lot more (which is infuriating) closer to AF time. My boobs get puffy and veiny, I get tired and scatterbrained, I even get queasy. And yet, AF shows up every. single. month.

Ah, well. I don’t have any other symptoms of cysts, so I guess until those develop I’ll just try not to worry about it too much.

Keeping my fingers crossed, though not being overly hopeful or optimistic. I’m really and truly starting to think that it’s never going to happen for me again. I just cannot believe that we got pregnant so easily our first try, and now we’re on our 7th cycle of trying. 7 cycles. I just cannot even believe it.

Yah-hee, icky thump
Who’d-a thunk?
Sittin’ drunk on a wagon to Mexico
Her hair, what a chump
And my head got a bump
When I hit it on the radio
~ Icky Thump, the White Stripes

Feeling Good

I’m feeling good about this month. I’m not getting my hopes up, or trying to feel overly optimistic. DH and I had a good BD session last night with, um, lots of payoff. I had good EWCM all day yesterday.. We may BD again tonight if we both feel like it. We’re doing our parts in this journey toward a baby. The rest is up to what is meant to be, I suppose. It’s hard to let go and accept that, and I’m not sure if I’m 100% there yet but I’m trying really hard. There’s only so much that he and I can do before we just have to give up control and let the universe decide what it wants with us….

But keep your fingers crossed for us, k? It would be such a wonderful blessing to finally get pregnant on our first cycle back trying, and to have a baby around Josh’s birthday.

Back in the game

I have very promising EWCM both yesterday and today. My mouth/gums feel better, and I’m ready to get this TTC stuff back up and running!

Here’s to a late January BFP with a sweet little October pumpkin!!!!!

Wisdom Teeth

Recovery is going OK. I took Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday of last week off from work. Wednesday night I have the single worst headache of my entire life. It was like a cross between a sinus headache, and what I suspect a migraine feels like. I’ve never had a migraine before so I don’t really know. What I do know is that I was sensitive to moving, light, sound, and when I closed my eyes I could “see” pulses of light behind my eyes. My husband gets migraines and he confirmed that it did sound like one.

I have a sneaky suspicion that maybe it was the prescribed pain meds that I was taking that triggered the headache. Why do I think this? Well last night I was having a hard time sleeping because the lower left side of my mouth is still hurting a bit, so I took one. I woke up this morning with an AWFUL headache. So I have decided to nix the pain meds and stick with my sinus headache pills that I’ve been taking for the immense pressure in my face and skull.

I’m able to chew with my front teeth a little bit. I’ve been trying to exercise/flex my jaw more so it stops being so stiff, but it’s hard and uncomfortable. Like I mentioned the left side is still a little more painful than the right. The right side of my face feels fine.

So getting back into the TTC frame of mind, I should be ovulating sometime this week. I’m not entirely sure if we’ll make this cycle or not. I haven’t been feeling like doing much of anything, and sex has certainly not been in the front of my mind. I guess we’ll just have to see. Every day I feel a little bit better. I hope that I’ll feel up to it, because for one it’s been a while and for two, I’d like to get this trying crap over with and just get pregnant again already.

I feel like I have been very patient in waiting, and now I’m ready for it to be my turn. Seriously. I’m really getting tired of people in my life getting pregnant before I do. In one month, this is four weeks folks, I have learned of 4 women that I either know personally, am related to, or work with that are pregnant. FOUR. In ONE MONTH. What the hell, universe? I mean, seriously are you trying to torment me? Oy vey. I know that patience is a virtue, but come on.

Here’s hoping. If we do by some chance get pregnant this month, we’d be due in October close to Josh’s birthday. That’d be a nice little birthday gift for him, I think. I guess all we can do is try, and hope for the best.