I Win At Cakes

So you know those moms who throw elaborately themed birthday parties, hand make all the favors, sew their kid a birthday outfit, and bake and decorate an amazing looking cake?

Yeah, I’m not that mom. For my kid’s classroom birthday party I bought a 24 pack of mini cupcakes with Valentine’s Day candies on them. Winning!

For some reason, though, I’ve been determined every year to bake Nellie a birthday cake to bring to her family get together. We don’t do anything large or lavish, just her close family members to celebrate her turning another year older.

Here’s the thing: I am terrible at this. The cakes taste fine; I don’t do anything fancier than a yellow cake with chocolate frosting… Though this year I almost went crazy and got Funfetti cake. WATCH OUT! IT’S WACKY IN HERE!

I didn’t, though. I stuck with yellow cake, chocolate icing. I digress. Here are her first and second birthday cakes, side-by-side:


I’ll wait for you to stop laughing before I continue.

Anyway after last year’s disaster attempt, I turned to Pinterest for inspiration for her third birthday cake. I found something that I knew not even I could mess up. It was perfect and simple! Here is the cake:

SOURCE: http://www.flickr.com/photos/brinkenzi/6973386233/

I was confident that I could pull this off. After all, it’s a white cake. With a stencil. Surrounded by festive colorful sprinkles. Easy peasy, right?

Ahem.

My first mistake was waiting until the last second to get the decorating supplies. I took Nellie shopping. Let her pick out the frosting color and the type of sprinkles. Couldn’t find a large “3” stencil. Settled on a wax candle in the shape of a 3 instead. It’ll work out fine! It’ll be great. Cutest ever.

Instead of telling you what went wrong, well… I will just show you.

Yyyyyyyeah.

Okay so seriously, what the fuck happened?  My cake looks like a faerie sneezed all over a pile of mud and then tap danced in the middle of her snot-covered mud pile, leaving teensy footprints smack in the middle of the cake.

Maybe next year I will just buy a cake. Yes? Yes. But I probably won’t, because I obviously don’t learn from my mistakes. The best part of all of this?

My kid didn’t even want to eat the damn cake.

SNOB.

This Post Brought to You By Vodka.

Okay. So. I have a few things I would like to talk about. It’s no secret that I draw my inspiration for blogging from real life, conversations I have with my friends who live in the computer, my best friend oh – AND VODKA.

Tonight is a diet cheat night. Because I’m kicking ass with my fitness and weight loss. I’ve lost 7 pounds so far. I joined a gym. I’m fucking serious about this zombie race, y’all. I’m actually training for it. It’s happening. Where was I? Oh yeah, things.

So one of the things on my Twenties Bucket List is to go to a live concert. WELL, my friends. WELL. It just so happens that the Avett Brothers are playing with Old Crow Medicine Show in May. These are two bands that I’m pretty newly acquainted with. I want to go to this show. But I’m afraid to, because I’m really kind of holding out hope that Mumford & Sons or Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros will tour this year. But I don’t KNOW that they will, because Mumford & Sons have been in the damn UK FOREVER.

Anyway. It’s like fate is handing me one of my list items on a silver platter and saying, “Here you go! Come to this hippie show. You will love it.”

I had something else to say, but then forgot. Oh yeah!

I’ve been thinking about re-branding the blog. I’ve been Mommy Boots for almost three years now and I wonder if it’s time for a change. I worry that I get thrown into a certain category because my blog has “Mommy” in the title. Not that there’s anything wrong with having a “mom blog” but let’s face it. That term is kind of heinous and condescending and also, I don’t really fit into the “mom blog” niche. I talk about vodka and say fuck all the time. So what the hell would I re-brand myself as, anyway? “Mom Who Says Fuck and Likes Vodka”? That kind of has a ring to it. Would you all still read and love me if I re-branded? What if I re-branded as a velociraptor, or a komodo dragon? Because those two things are mean.

This post has no point. At all.

Vodka.

 

Things That Are Awesome

For some reason, I have reached the level of tired today where even staring at the computer screen takes too much energy. But I have a few good things to share, so I’m lifting my weary fingers and tapping out a blog post. I have also been the most impatient ever today, but I think that has something to do with the fact that my “monthlies” are almost here.

I feel like I’m not positive enough on my blog and also in every day life. So, here are a few things that are awesome right now:

  • It’s Friday. ‘Nuff said.
  •  My husband got me an early birthday gift. It is an Origami Owl locket and I am madly in love with it. I am not a jewelry girl but this thing is amazing. Here is a photo of it:

It is essentially a charm locket. You can remove the charms inside of it and change them out for MORE CHARMS. ALL THE CHARMS. FOREVER. The charms I selected are a rose to represent Nellie (her middle name is Rose), an October birthstone in the shape of a heart for my husband, a music note because music is a huge part of who I am, a January birthstone for me AND Nellie, and a laptop because. Well. Okay back to the awesome things.

  • As I type my brother and his fiancee are en route to visit us. It’s been over six months since I’ve seen them so I’m a little excited.
  • My birthday is Wednesday. I will be 29. It is the one holiday a year that is in celebration of me! CONFETTI!
  • Speaking of birthdays, my little girl is turning 3 (THREE. WHAT? HOW? HOLD ME.) on the 20th. This is both awesome and terrifying.
  • Since the beginning of me tracking my calories on 12/17, I have lost 4.5 pounds. I’ve been consistently under my calorie goals and have been exercising more. Go me!
  • I am tackling Stephen King’s massive novel “Under the Dome”, and I love it. It’s going to take me a while. It’s over 1,000 pages long.
  • The movie Pitch Perfect. I am not even going to lie to you. I loved that movie and would watch it once a day if I thought it wouldn’t make me a huge giant loser. I actually don’t care if you think I’m a huge giant loser. That movie was fucking awesome.

So I’ve shared some things that are awesome with me right now. What’s awesome with you?

 

 

Uninspired

I am now, and have been for a few weeks, utterly uninspired.

I should have a thousand things to write about. It’s Christmas, for fuck’s sake. I should be writing posts about the twinkling in my daughter’s eyes as she takes in the joy and wonder of the season. Or waxing poetic about the magical glow of the lights on my Christmas tree. Or writing posts with step-by-step instructions on how to make a snowman out of fucking Dixie cups or some equally Pinnable shit like that.

I should be spilling my guts here. It’s the first anniversary of a traumatic experience; my emotions should be flowing forth from my fingers as they frantically peck away at the keys, trying to keep up with the words that are trapped in my head.

Instead, I’ve been opening up my laptop and staring at a fucking blinking cursor, willing myself to write but finding my word well completely dry. I feel like I don’t have the energy to come up with ANYTHING. I don’t feel depressed but the thought of writing anything now (besides this, obviously) just seems impossible.

I go through dry spells like this. It makes me wonder how the hell big bloggers constantly generate content that attracts readers. WHAT IS YOUR SECRET? I wonder if all bloggers feel this way from time to time, and how they get past it. Blah.

I’m trying to lose weight again. I went to the doctor the other day for a wellness checkup and to get some moles looked at (which earned me a dermatologist referral, by the way) and when I stepped on the scale, it screamed and inexplicably caught on fire.

Okay, that didn’t actually happen but the number did read the same as it did THREE YEARS AGO when I gave birth to my daughter. Want to know what that number is? Of course you do. That number was 209. TWO HUNDRED AND NINE POUNDS. I am five-foot-three. THAT IS FUCKING RIDICULOUS. I mean SERIOUSLY. Luckily everything else about me was healthy. Excellent cholesterol, blood pressure, blood sugar and all that jazz. I’m just a goddamn lardass.

As of now I am doing well tracking my calories, and am doing better with exercising. I am trying to take it one day at a time.

I feel muted. I want to think and talk about this time last year and I also don’t. So much contradiction.

I’ll be funny again soon, I promise. Hopefully. Maybe.

 

A Day of Silence for Sandy Hook

 

The Post Where I Ramble About Kale Chips and Bane

Happy Friday!!!  Bells and whistles and parades and whee! Unless you work weekends, in which case….. Awwwkkwwaarrddd.

I haven’t felt much like writing lately. I haven’t really had much to say. Which, I think, means I kind of suck as a writer. Not that I’m saying I’m a writer. I don’t know if I would ever feel comfortable calling myself a writer unless I wrote a book and got paid for it. I’m more like a typer and word-spitter-outter.

Anyway. I don’t have many full, coherent sentences to string together to form a poignant or even funny blog post, so instead you get a bunch of bullet points that are easier to read than a paragraph, anyway. You’re welcome.

  • I won something. I got a phone call the other day to tell me I won tickets to see the Indigo Girls in Atlanta TONIGHT! I was so excited! I never win anything, and I’ve never won tickets from a radio station (I forgot to mention they were from a radio station. I fail at stories.). Not only that, but I won an overnight stay at a hotel down there. I’m taking my friend and former quartet-mate Lynda. Cannot wait!
  • We watched The Dark Knight Rises the other night. I really enjoyed it and I think it was my 2nd favorite of the series (my first favorite being Batman Begins). My only problem was that even though Bane was an awesome bad guy, he sounded like a drunk robot and I could barely understand him. GO HOME BANE, YOU ARE DRUNK.
  • Nellie has been saying hilarious things and I’ve been trying to compile them weekly. Once I get enough “Nellie-isms” for the week I will share them here on my blog.
  • I just tried to make some kale chips. I put too much pepper on them, and also burned some. So the ones that didn’t either taste like burning or ashes tasted pretty good. Note to self: pay more attention to your cooking kale chips and less attention to your Nook.
  • I’m currently reading “Divergent”, which I really like. I loved the Hunger Games and liked Matched okay. I feel Divergent is superior to Matched, mostly because the female character is more interesting and the whole “dystopian universe” is better than it is in Matched.
  • I’ve been thinking of getting a tattoo, partly because Josh’s Christmas gift from me this year is $200 toward a new tattoo (I didn’t spoil anything, he already knows) and partly because I was inspired by one of my favorite bloggers to get one. I just need to figure out what I want. I was considering “honey badger don’t give a shit”, but then I wondered how in the hell I would explain that one to my grandkids.
  • I’m feeling kind of “blah” right now. I’m not sure if it’s because the anniversary of my mom’s death is coming up, or if I’m just tired, or what. Blah.

Well, that was fun. I hope you enjoyed reading it and if you didn’t, maybe you found something good to watch on T.V. to keep your interest instead. I’ll be back with a funnier blog post soon. Promise.

Velociraptors. Flatulence. 69. Basically the Best Post Ever.

So in an act of desperation and laziness, I reached out to my Facebook friends for blogging inspiration. I told them to give me a topic and I’d blog about it. Dear Everyone: please do my work as a blogger for me. Thanks. Love, Me.

I got a couple of topics that I were so random or raunchy or funny I decided to include them all together in one post. I got a few that  will make good stand-alone posts. One thing I learned from this exercise is that my readers are helpful, funny, and fucking weird. I say that with nothing but love. Thanks guys!

Confessions
Suggested by Rachel
Confessions. Okay. One time when I was a kid, I got arrested for writing in wet cement. Dumbest thing to ever be arrested for, right? But I did. Cop showed up at my house and everything. My best friend at the time and I were riding our bikes around her neighborhood when we saw some wet cement. We were all, “Hey dudes pouring cement! Can we write our names really small in there?” and they were all “NO! GET AWAY! WE HATE CHILDREN! WE ARE MISERABLE AND DON’T LIKE JOY OR HAPPINESS.”

And we were like “LOL OK” and waited until they left. And then we started to scribble things in the cement. Things like, “I love velociraptors” and “Jurassic Park Rules” (I’M NOT KIDDING. Not even a little bit). And then my friend had the bright idea to include our names – OUR FULL NAMES. So the next morning I woke up to my brother standing in my doorway with a maniacal grin on his face telling me I had a visitor. He failed to mention that visitor was a FUCKING POLICE OFFICER. Turns out after we’d left, some other kids had come by and written really obscene things in the cement.
It definitely wasn’t us because believe it or not, I didn’t always have a filthy mouth and I didn’t even understand the things they accused us of writing (I was 9 when this happened). I just wanted the world to know I loved velociraptors.  My dad ended up getting them to drop whatever stupid B.S. charges they were going to pin on him and it was my shameful story the rest of my childhood.

Butts, Farts, and Burps
From @momma23monkeys
Well, basically, I’m an expert in this topic because I have a butt and I fart and burp a lot. Actually my child farts a lot, too. And she’s gotten to the point where she understands the delight and humor in it, and also in blaming others for her flatulence. She also likes to announce when she farts. One time, I picked her up from daycare and was holding her on my hip while talking to her teacher. She broke ass right on my arm and gasped and yelled, “I FARTED!”
We like to keep it classy in my family. She doesn’t burp much. But she’s got the farting thing down. I think farts are funny and probably always will. Butts are pretty weird, if you think about it. I’m not going to expand on that. Just think about butts and how weird they are.

69
From @BashIsHot
THAT IS FILTHY AND I REFUSE TO BLOG ABOUT IT.
I’m totally fucking with you. I say “fuck” and talk about vibrators on this blog. So, 69. Fun fact about that little number. I had to find out what it meant  from my younger cousin when I was about 13. Someone had made some joke about it and I was all, “I DON’T GET IT” and my younger cousin and his friend had to explain. I was a late bloomer, okay? I played with Littlest Pet Shop toys until I was like 14. NOT KIDDING. I didn’t kiss a dude until I was 16.

Holiday Cards and How There’s This Weird Obligation to Send Them
From @baldeesh
OH MY GOD I KNOW. Every damn year I’m all, “I’M SENDING OUT HOLIDAY CARDS! GIVE ME YOUR ADDRESS! I PROMISE IT WON’T BE USED FOR STALKING!….. Okay I can’t promise that but GIVE ME YOUR ADDRESS ANYWAY!” and I have grand plans to take adorable matchy-match photos with my cute family and then I get lazy and sit on my ass and eat peanut butter fudge instead. And then I send out e-cards. Or am just like “Hey Merry Christmas, Facebook!”
I don’t know what it is that compels us to bombard our loved ones’ mailboxes with cards or those family newsletter things. No one reads those. You know who wants to know how my year went? My dad. You know who else?
NO ONE.
Besides. Anyone who reads my blog already knows how my year went. I can’t tell real-life stories to most of my friends anymore because they’re like, “We know. We read your blog”. At least most of my friends are reading. And if they’re not, THEN EFF YOU TOO BUDDY.

This post turned out quite nicely. Thanks for the help, guys! We all have weird brains.

Bobby Flay Cookbook Giveaway

 

Do you find yourself getting bored with the same recipes over and over? I definitely do. A typical “menu planning” list of mine looks like this:
Monday: Turkey chili
Tuesday: Beef and pepper soup
Wednesday: Spaghetti
Thursday: ???????
Friday: ????????????????????????????
Saturday: Chicken nuggets  hot dogs  Chinese Takeout
Sunday: Gummy bears off the floor

I struggle to find new and fun and tasty recipes to cook for my family. Bobby Flay’s “From My Kitchen to Your Table” offers over 125 new recipes to try. Bobby Flay is known best for his roles on several cooking TV shows, most famously the show Iron Chef. He owns several different restaurants. “From My Kitchen to Your Table” is full of rich photos and exciting recipes. The recipes are a little on the more complex side (like Roasted Turkey with Pomegranate Sauce and Wild Rice-Goat Cheese Dressing), so if you’re feeling fiesty and up for a challenge in the kitchen you definitely want to check this book out. It’s a little bit of an older cookbook (published in 1998) but it’s still definitely one for your collection.

Want to get your hands on a copy? You’re in luck. Stockland is giving away one copy of the cookbook to two readers, and entering is simple!
a Rafflecopter giveaway

Snag yourself a cookbook to add to your bookshelf OR to give as a Christmas gift to a friend who loves to cook!
Good luck!

This post was brought to you by Stockland. Stockland is Australia’s largest diversified property group, with a range of home, land and retail developments across Australia. From real estate in the Northern suburbs of Melbourne to house and land packages in NSW, there is sure to be a place to find or build your perfect home. And, as a leading sustainable organisation, Stockland’s developments are designed to enhance the environment – not to spoil it. Stockland gives your family a place to truly call home – a place where your family can live and grow.

Zestra – Satisfaction for Women

 

So, let me ask you something. When was the last time you saw a commercial for Viagra, or Cialis? Are those drug names that you are familiar with? You probably recognize them as sexual enhancement products for men; to help with erectile dysfunction. They’re advertised everywhere: in between nightly news segments, sitcoms, and the Super Bowl.

Now, let me ask you this: When was the last time you saw a similar commercial, or product, for women?

When this question was posed to me, I seriously had to stop and think. When was the last time I had seen anything like that – and did I know of any products by name?

Why do men’s sexual enhancement products get so much play, while women’s get hardly any at all?

Let me introduce you to Zestra – a sexual satisfaction product for women. Zestra contains a blend of botanical oils and extracts to enhance female satisfaction and arousal, and give a little assistant to those of us who need a little help “getting in the mood”. I know I could use a little help, especially when I work all day, then come home to a hyper toddler who has managed to smear yogurt or peanut butter or something in her hair and then I have to sing nine rousing renditions of “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star” in a row. When applied to the vaginal area 3-5 minutes before sexual activity, Zestra delivers the “Zestra Rush” to put a little oomph into your sex drive.

So why is it that men’s sexual enhancement products are so prevalent, when products for women aren’t? Check your SPAM folder in your inbox – even your junk mail is lousy with “penis cream! Bigger penis! Robot penis! ROCKET PENIS!”. Where’s my rocket vagina? I would also like mine to have lasers, please.  In all (semi) seriousness, it has always seemed like there is a double standard when it comes to men’s sexuality versus women’s. Men are encouraged to be players, while women who like to explore and have fun in bed are considered “easy” or “slutty”. Did you know that ads for Zestra were even rejected to be shown on television? What the hell, advertising?! How is that fair? We want ours, too!

Zestra is clinically proven safe and effective, has no known drug interactions or side effects (unlike Viagra, which can cause like, forever erections), is edible if ingested (though I wouldn’t recommend it because it’s kind of, er, bitter) and is hormone and paraben-free. Because I don’t know about you but parabens + my vagina = do not want. Paraben is a little too close to the word “parasite” for comfort (and yes I know the two things are nowhere NEAR related – I’m weird, stop judging me, I don’t want parabens OR parasites near my nethers).

I have had the chance to review Zestra, and since I’m a lady (….. stop laughing. Okay, seriously. Stop laughing), I will spare you the details but it definitely enhances things. My sex drive has never been incredibly active, and Zestra was definitely able to give me the extra boost that I needed. It created a nice, warm sensation and I definitely understood the “Zestra Rush” that I had read about! I haven’t gotten to use it on a long-term basis yet, but I am looking forward to making it part of our regular sexytimes.

If you’re interested in giving Zestra a chance (and I highly recommend you do!), take advantage of this special offer that Zestra has kindly agreed to provide for you, my readers! I recommend taking advantage of this offer, which gets you Zestra PLUS a bottle of their Glide lubricant – which is very enjoyable.

 

Viagra has had its time in the advertising sun. It’s time the ladies got their turn.

Disclosure: This post is brought to you by Zestra. I was provided a free bottle of Zestra & Glide in exchange for this review. The thoughts and opinions in this post are 100% authentic, and 100% my own.

Easy Canvas Prints Giveaway

I have a confession: I’m horrible about printing out photos. I have snapped thousands of pictures since Nellie was born – most of them coming from my iPhone since I got my hands on it. I don’t even remember the last time I actually used my digital camera. I’m just so lazy and so bad at ordering photos, I always forget, “oh yeah, I have pictures, I could print them and frame them and hang them on my wall”.

So when Easy Canvas Prints contacted me and basically offered to do the grunt work for me by providing me with a canvas on which a photograph of my choice could be printed I obviously was like YUP. Sounds great.

It’s super easy to order photos on Canvas Prints from this company – you can provide your own, or they actually have a gallery of beautiful prints that you can choose from. If you choose to create your own, you just upload your photo, choose your size, – they will position it for you – choose the type of wrap you want around it (standard wrap, gallery wrap, or framed) and that’s pretty much it. It’s super simple – the hardest part is choosing what photo you want to have printed on these beautiful canvases! If you find yourself struggling, Easy Canvas Prints has an idea gallery that you can browse if you’re in need of inspiration.

I decided to go with the 8×10 (another cool thing is that when you order, it gives you a size comparison so you can get an idea of how big your canvas will actually be) , and used a photo from our photo shoot with a local photographer a few months ago – one of my favorites from the shoot was a shot of Nellie playing in the water. The expression on her face is one of pure joy and it was a moment so beautifully captured, I knew I wanted it printed on something unique and fun.

My Canvas Print shipped really quickly, was nicely packaged, and when I opened it I was floored. It was such good quality, and so lovely that I was honestly shocked at how nice it turned out. Here is a photo, but the photo does not do it justice. Trust me. I have gotten so many compliments on it.

Easy Canvas Prints

So, how can you get an awesome Easy Canvas Print for yourself? You can go to their website and order one OR you can enter my super awesome giveaway! Check out details below – entering with Rafflecopter is SUPER easy.

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Enter and get yourself a beautiful canvas print to display in your home – you WON’T regret it! Good luck!