Butterflies

I have been lurking in the November 2009 Expecting Club on iVillage for a few days.

I opened a post today that was full of blinkies, a couple that were specifically “Due in November” blinkies, and I started to get excited butterflies in my tummy.

I want to wear one of those blinkies on my iVillage signature so badly. I’m so ready to be pregnant again, I want it so bad. I had to banish those butterflies ASAP, because I don’t want my heart to be broken by AF’s arrival in a few days again. I just have to live like I’m expecting her tomorrow/Thursday. The last few days wait are the absolute worst. The WORST.

Almost There

Just a few more days ’till AF is due. As usual, I’m feeling sort of indifferent. I feel bloated, and that constant, dull achy/cramp feeling is still with me. I have been (TMI alert) constipated for the past few days, which sucks and is uncomfortable.

My boobs are swollen and my nipple/areola area feels like it’s on FIRE. Last night I almost took my shirt off because it hurt to have it on. I’m not putting a whole lot of stock in this because this is usually a sign of AF.

The copious creamy CM that I’d had for a few days last week is no longer. If I check my cervix, the discharge that I get is still creamy but it’s no longer coming out on its own and making its’ way to my underwear.

So all I can do is wait. Isn’t waiting fabulous?

1WW

So I guess that I am “officially” in the 1WW. I am really expecting my period between Weds. and Thurs. I am going to try to hold off on testing until next Saturday morning, providing AF hasn’t come to crash the party before then. Some things I’m noticing:

3/5 (estimated 7DPO): All day queasiness/nausea. Never threw up. DH was home sick from work due to throwing up all night, so not putting too much stock into it. Poking/itching/fluttering sensations in lower abdomen (I’m kind of writing these off to gas).
3/6 (estimated 8DPO): CM creamy/lotiony but a little less thick/more watery than yesterday. Feeling full in lower abdomen; typical pre-AF sensations. Breasts and nipples are sore, but no more swollen or any puffier than is usual for pre-AF. Have been getting very quickly and easily irritated.

All in all, there is nothing extraordinary or unusual about this cycle thus far. I’m not “feeling” pregnant. This doesn’t necessary mean that I’m not, but I just am not feeling it. We will see what we see.

P.S. I have a new blog. It’s a humor blog, and I’d be forever grateful if you’d go and give it a look! It’s not much yet, but I’ll be adding some posts to it soon.
I Find This Humorous

Almost the moment of truth

I’m expecting AF to show her head anywhere between today and Friday. I’m going to try to hold off on testing until Saturday morning, if she doesn’t show by then.

I’m feeling relatively indifferent with just a touch of optimism about this month. I’ve been crampy on and off since pretty much just a few days after ovulation, which is both disheartening and mystifying at the same time for me. I don’t know how that is possible, but that is the way I feel.

Ever since the cycle back in.. August, I think it was where I truly thought my IPS were RPS and that I was pregnant only to be ambushed by AF, I haven’t put much stock into IPS. Things I have noticed about this month is an abundance of creamy CM since a few days after O, I’ve been REALLY gassy (sometimes I think I’m cramping and get kind of disappointed, and then I’ll pass gas and the feeling will go away.. TMI, sorry!), and very tired. Monday and Tuesday night I went to bed around 8:30 PM. I would have probably gone to bed early last night but I had chorus and didn’t get home until later.

So there we have it. I don’t know what to think about this cycle. Part of me is hopeful, and the other part of me is so used to being disappointed and let down that I cannot possibly believe that this is finally it. I’ve honestly gotten into the mindset that I will never again get pregnant, so the thought of actually succeeding and getting a positive test result seems so out of the realm of possibility it’s hard to get excited.

Only time will tell. Keep your fingers crossed for me, if you are so inclined. An October pumpkin would be an awfully nice birthday gift for Josh.

I fly like paper, get high like planes
If you catch me at the border I got visas in my name
If you come around here, I make ’em all day
I get one down in a second if you wait
Paper Planes, M.I.A

1 day to go

Well, I was feeling pretty down yesterday. I’d been feeling somewhat crampy and bloated on and off all day, and was pretty certain that AF was on her way. I’m really in a state of waiting; limbo right now, because part of me feels like she’s coming, and part of me doesn’t. I really don’t know what to think at this point.

My boobs are still swollen, veiny, and SORE. OMG, I mean, so, so sore. Josh commented on the size of them last night. Good Lord, do they hurt.

I’m feeling queasy again today. I wasn’t yesterday, but I am today.

However, I tested again this morning (I am now 13DPO).. Another BFN. I didn’t have much urine to give; I woke up at 2 AM needing to pee, so I broke down and used another HPT. Sure enough… BFN. But my line was faint, which tells me I didn’t have much pee and it wasn’t very concentrated.

So, ugh, I’m still in waiting limbo HELL! I’m just not sure WHAT to think at this point. I’m sitting here, queasy with sore boobs, but very mildly crampy at the same time. And I swear my cervix is more open than it was a few days ago, but I’m not 100% sure.

Thursday, hurry up! I’m goin’ nuts here.

2 days to go

AF is due on Wednesday. Against my better judgement, I tested yesterday, in the middle of the day, at 11DPO. Of course, I got a BFN. I was disappointed, but have been trying to remind myself that not only was it probably too early, but I was an idiot and tested midday instead of using FMU.

So here I sit, bound and determined not to test until Thursday morning. I was feeling sort of bloated this morning, which made me feel sad. I used the restroom, and now I feel a little bit better. So maybe I’m thinking that the bloat wasn’t AF bloat, but “my stomach is too full and needs to be emptied” bloat. When I wiped, I saw what I thought was a faint color to my CM (which is creamy right now, usually a sign of AF) and almost started to cry. Literally, I was sitting there almost in tears. Once again, even though I told myself I wouldn’t trust any IPS ever again, I have myself half-convinced that I’m pregnant. My boobs have been getting increasingly sore, swollen, and veiny since early last week. I’ve been getting queasy after eating since the middle of last week. I’ve been tired. My skin hasn’t broken out, which it usually does about a week before AF. So how come I feel so hopeless, like I’m out this month? We were wandering around Wal-Mart yesterday looking at baby clothes. I was smiling, so excited to be thinking about a tiny little baby inside of me. DH turned into a new aisle before I did, and I was suddenly struck with this desperation, I literally stopped, closed my eyes, and silently begged and pleaded, with my hand on my belly, to be pregnant. I was standing there, thinking, “Please, Please, PLEASE let this be it. PLEASE.”

I want to be pregnant for Thanksgiving. I want to be pregnant for Christmas… Last Christmas was so horrible (We lost the baby 3 days before Christmas last year), and it would be so wonderful for this Christmas to be a joyous occasion. I want to be the woman at the family function that everyone is excited to see; because I have a new life forming inside of me. I want to happily answer everyone’s questions about how I’m feeling, do I feel like it’s a girl or a boy? I want people to tell me over and over to eat, because I’m “eating for two”. Hell, I want to NOT be able to eat because I’m too busy throwing up! If I am pregnant now, I would be into my 2nd trimester by Christmas. I could actually relax a little bit for the holidays, and enjoy them.

I want to be pregnant so much right now, I’m almost in tears again. Please, baby. Please be in there. Please be getting nice and snuggly, to stay there until you are fully formed, healthy, and perfect. Please, please, please. I need you so much.

One week to go

Until the moment of truth. I either get my BFP, or I don’t. Right now, I’m feeling kind of dully crampy, as usual. I’ve been feeling dully crampy since yesterday, so I don’t know if this means anything or not. My breasts, specifically right under my nipples have been sore since last week, and a bit heavier. They look a little veiny; but I notice it most when I’m not wearing a bra. They feel heavier on my chest. I was exhausted yesterday despite getting plenty of sleep the night before. I’ve been feeling a bit queasy in the mornings, and afternoons after eating.

All of this, I’ve come to find, can be signs of AF since my miscarriage. I truly am starting to think that when I finally do become pregnant, I won’t know it as my pre-AF symptoms have mimiced pregnancy symptoms so well in the past few months.

I’m trying to just chill out, and let whatever is meant to happen, happen. Sometimes it’s easier said than done.

I’m currently completely and utterly engrossed in a book called The Time Traveler’s Wife. I borrowed it from my friend (and former workout buddy) Michelle. She has told me about this book several times, as it is one of her favorites. I think it may BE her favorite, but she reads a lot so I’m not 100% sure.
Anyhow, this book is amazing. However, it does have few chapters that if you have experienced the loss of a child; miscarriage, stillborn, etc. that may bother you quite a bit. Just FYI, because I know a few of my readers have had losses.

So anyway, I’m not feeling overly optimistic about this month, nor pessimistic. I’m just kind of here, waiting. I guess that’s all I can do. :)

More Visual Inspiration

I’m finding my “positive thinking” momentum slipping the closer AF’s due date comes near. So here’s some more positive visualization!

And this is what I’m going to be seeing next week, just in time for Josh’s birthday:

Yep. It’s true. It’s going to happen this month. I will be seeing a nice, sticky BFP, and will be having my sweet little baby at the end of June, 2009! This is my month!

Randomly emotional

I find myself becoming “on the verge” emotional over little stuff the past 2 days.

When I say “on the verge” emotional, I mean that something I’ll read or see will make me feel very emotional, very quickly, to the point where I feel like it might make me cry and then it goes away almost as quickly as it came. This is almost definitely a sign of AF.

My appetite has also increased, and my temper and tolerance for other human beings around me have both decreased. Also, signs of AF. My boobs are ridiculously sore, though they are not any more swollen or puffy than usual.

All of these things are pointing directly to AF. At one point, I might have interpreted them as IPS; holding my breath with the hope that I am pregnant. But not this month. I’m fully expecting AF, all the symptoms are there, now it’s just a waiting game. Waiting for her to show and clear things out, so to speak, so we can move on to our next cycle of trying.

Of course, there is a slight chance that all of these COULD be IPS and I’ll get a big, fat, surprise in a few days. But I wouldn’t count on it.

The waiting game

Well, I’ve been good about not over-analyzing my body during the 2WW. The first week has passed by relatively quickly. I’m about 9DPO, I think, and I’m starting to feel mildly crampy. Just that dull, crampy ache that I’ve been getting the past few cycles about 9-11 DPO. So, this means AF is more than likely going to make her grand appearance at some point this weekend.

I’m giving her until Tuesday the 23rd to show up (I’d be 17 DPO by then), and if she doesn’t, THEN I will test. But I will not test before then.

She was early last month; making my cycle 30 days instead of 31. I wonder if she’ll be on time or early this month? Of course the prospect of another month with no pregnancy has me down a little bit, but there’s always next month.