Your Fancy Period

If you are a woman, you know that having your period? It sucks. It sucks ass. It’s painful, it’s messy, and it makes you feel slightly homicidal. All of those ads that tell you to “have a happy period” and show women like, horseback riding and playing volleyballs and shit make you furious, don’t they? When I have my period, I want to sit on the couch and watch Steel Magnolias while shoveling enough chocolate to kill a large dog into my mouth. I sure as hell don’t want to ride a fucking horse and the only thing I want to hit a volleyball at? Pretty much anyone who speaks to me or looks at me funny.

So when I was browsing through the sale papers yesterday and came across this ad, I stopped in my tracks and laughed out loud. The geniuses in the feminine product business have come up with a brilliant way to make your period fun. Not just fun, but artistic and fabulous! Behold, the maxi pad that you can bleed on in style:

Please excuse the poor quality of this photo, it was taken in the throes of hysterical laughter with my cell phone.

So, observe the ad. It says that plain pads have their place in the history books, and has drawing of a pad; half of it plain white and the other half has a nifty purple swirly design. There’s a helpful addition, the word “boring!” with an arrow pointing at the plain white side.

Ladies, I don’t think I’m alone in saying that I can now breathe a sigh of relief. No longer do I have to shed my uterine lining on a plain, white maxi pad! No, now I can have my monthly visitor with flair and pizazz! Gone are the days of slapping a boring white cotton pad onto my panties! Finally, I can decorate my underwear with a fun design. Works of art, really. Beautiful swirls of purple, maybe blue, or gasp! Perhaps even a fun, girly shade of pink. Squee and flail!

AREN’T YOU THRILLED? We can finally giggle a little as we walk around with our little secret artwork in our undies! No one will ever know that not only are we on the rag, but we’re having fun with it by having it on a cutesy little swirl design! AHHHH IT’S SO WACKY AND FUN!

So, seriously, this is one of the dumbest fucking things I’ve ever seen in my life. A design on your pad? Are you fucking serious?  I’m sorry, but a little purple scrolly design isn’t going to take my mind off the fact that it feels like someone is grabbing my uterus and twisting it into a knot and I’m retaining so much water it feels like you could poke me with a pin and I’d leak. When I’m on my period, I want all the chocolate forever and an Ibuprofen. NOT AN ARTSY MAXI PAD. Call me crazy, but I know that I can’t be alone here.

So, Kotex, until you start including a big fat chocolate bar with each purchase of your whimsical pads, I will stick to my plain, ‘boring’ feminine hygiene products. Take your purple wackiness and GTFO.

 

A Morning Visitor

I woke this morning to find AF in full force. It’s on to attempt #9 for us. I’m keeping my fingers crossed, trying to remain hopeful and optimistic, and hoping that we will get our sticky BFP our Easter basket this year.

Crashing the Party

Well, I was having some pink discharge last night and this morning, and as I type I’m starting to cramp. So, it seems that AF is making her appearance, right on schedule. I got a + OPK two weeks ago yesterday, and I suspected that I ovulated the day after; that Thursday.

DH and I BD’ed for four days straight; Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday. We had our bases covered, and we still didn’t catch the egg this month. That’s just the way it goes, I guess. I just ordered some PreSeed online. I had ordered Pre’, the lubricant, months ago and we’ve been using it since. This month, however, I ordered the actual PreSeed that is supposed to mimic fertile cervical fluid and help the “boys” swim.

Hopefully that paired with Origins, and a lot of positive thoughts will help us get an Easter BFP.

I’m bummed, but I feel like our month is truly coming. Just keep on keepin’ on…

Oddly enough, the song that just came on my radio is Don’t Stop Believin’.

Finally Have An Answer

Well, I finally have an answer to this cycle.

AF showed up, full force this morning. I’m bloated, cramping, and oh yes, she is definitely here. I am, of course, disappointed that I didn’t get a surprise (and late) BFP, but at least now I know and we can move on to our next cycle.

I’m going to have to start temping again, because I need to know when exactly I ovulate. I’m taking these Origin vitamins that are supposed to be for good reproductive health (they’re not just prenatals, they have a LOT of stuff in them) but are not for pregnant or nursing women. I’m supposed to take 2 a day until ovulation, then just 1 a day until 7DPO, then switch to regular prenatals. So I need to know as accurately as I can when I ovulate so I know when to switch from two to one, and one to none.

Here’s hoping #8 will be it for us.

‘Bout damn time

Thanks for finally showing up AF, it’s really nice to see you.

/sarcasm

I rescheduled my wisdom tooth surgery for January 12th. This means we will not be able to try for one more cycle, which is probably for the best because my fertile time would have most likely come while we were on vacation in Chicago anyway, and that would have just been awkward to try to have a baby while sleeping in my father’s living room.

But my surgery is paid for, so it’s going to happen on the 12th. I’m anxious to just get it the hell over with so we can start trying again. I’m tired of everyone in the universe getting pregnant around me, either intentionally or accidentally with me sitting here spinning my damn wheels. I’m tired of being jealous every time I hear about someone getting pregnant, regardless of whether I know them or not. Seriously, every time I hear about a woman announcing a pregnancy, I feel jealous. It’s ridiculous. I understand that it’s a stupid, petty emotion to feel but I cannot help myself. I’m tired of everyone else having their turn while I’m still stuck here. It frigging sucks, and I’m not going to apologize for the way I feel. What happened to me isn’t fair, it sucks, and I have the right to feel every emotion that comes with losing a baby.

OK, that rant is over. That being said, it’s pretty cool that Christmas is coming up, I’m not looking forward to the 22nd as that is the anniversary of the day we lost the baby, but whatever. It’s going to come, I have to deal with it, and then after that all the major “losing the baby” milestones will have passed.

Meanwhile, it seems like everyone in the universe is getting pregnant except for me. OK, I need to stop bitching about that because that’s just the way things go and nothing I do can change the fact. And logically I know that not everyone in the universe is pregnant besides me but sometimes it sure does feel that way.

AF likes to torment me

Good grief, AF. Seriously. You’ve gotten my hopes up now by being semi-regular and back to normal. The past four months, you have been either 26, or 27 days. And now I’m on CD30, and you’re still not here?

Come on. I’ve been spotting for three days now, and had cramps bad enough today I had to take some Advil. Why must you dilly-dally? Just, get on with it already! We didn’t try this month, so I know I’m not pregnant.

JUST GET ON WITH IT!

No dice

AF is here. She came sneakily in the night, like a ninja.

We’re now on to cycle #7. I’m disappointed, but not devastated like I was last month. I’m done stressing, I’m done driving myself crazy with this TTC business. This is supposed to be something natural, happy, and I’m done feeling sad and crazy about making a baby. I am going to try and just enjoy my husband, of course we want to make love as much as possible around O time, but I am just done with all of the charting, temping, etc. I’ve been doing it for 6 months and haven’t had any luck, so maybe it’s time to try something different.

Not really pregnancy related, just a lady rant

Is there anything more miserable than the first heavy day of your period? I mean, seriously, girls. It’s just miserable!

I’m bloated, I feel all squishy and gross down there, I’m crampy, my jeans are tight. Let’s not even talk about how disgusting it is to go to the bathroom. Seriously, every time I go to pee I’m like, THIS IS SO GROSS.

Menstrual periods are nature’s big, fat, joke. Seriously. Let’s think of the most unpleasant, disgusting, uncomfortable thing that could possibly ever happen, and make it a monthly, necessary function in order to bear children. Yipee! I think the ONLY thing that would make it worse, is if instead of bleeding from your you-know-where, you bled from your MOUTH.

Hahaha, now I actually kind of have a funny visual in my head. Women wouldn’t need to explain their moodiness, cravings for chocolate, and crying fits to anyone as “that time of the month”, because people would know by the fact that the woman would be walking around with either a pad covering her mouth or a stack of tampons shoved inside it.

HA HA HA. OK now I can’t stop laughing at the image in my head of women walking around the street with tampons shoved in their mouths. I can just see it now. A husband comes home to see his wife, with her back turned from him, sobbing on the couch. Alarmed, he moves to her and says, “Sweetie, what’s wrong?” As she turns around, he sees the tampons and grows solemn. “Ohhhh.” he says knowingly, and pats her on the back.
*snickers*

AF can’t take a hint!

Good grief, AF. How many different ways do I need to say it?

YOU’RE NOT WELCOME HERE ANY MORE! Go away and don’t come back for a while! Oy, vey.

On to #7.

On to cycle #6

It’s official. She’s here.

On to cycle #6.