*looks at watch*

OK, so I’m a moron and I tested again.

I tested this morning with FMU, and, as I suspected, BFN. Awesome.

So I’m about 99.9% sure I’m not pregnant, and now it’s just a waiting game for AF to get her happy ass here. I’m getting frustrated because this is a slightly longer cycle than I’ve been used to. Oy. Maybe those vitamins will help get things back to the way they used to be…. 28-29 days like CLOCKWORK.

*facepalm*

Well, against my better judgement, I went to Walgreens on my way from dropping Josh off at his brother’s yesterday afternoon and bought a pack of 2 HPTs. I tested around 6:00 PM, and of course, was greeted with a

BIG. FAT. NEGATIVE.

I’m so mad at myself for even testing. I told myself I wouldn’t test until Saturday morning if AF hadn’t shown up by then. Ugh. I was feeling relatively optimistic; I didn’t feel AF-ish really at all, so I thought maybe. But no dice. I’m expecting AF today or tomorrow so I figured that if I were pregnant, I’d get a BFP for sure. But no, BFN, BFN, BFN. Ugh. I was so upset that I stormed into the kitchen, threw open the fridge, pulled out a jar of green olives and gobbled like, 5 of them down. Don’t ask me why the hell I did, I just saw them and was like, “I’M EATING YOU NOW DAMNIT”.
I even went so far as to do something I’ve never done before; I pried apart the HPT to see the stick and make sure there were no hiding BFP shadows. I am truly ashamed of myself. *sigh*

Today I’m feeling kind of crampy, enough to where I brought some pads with me to work. So it looks like we’re going to be on to cycle #8, unless something miraculous and totally unexpected happens. I’ve been hearing a lot on TTCAM about these Origins vitamins. I don’t know what they’re supposed to do but I made a post this morning asking about them. I’m thinking about getting some PreSeed, unless these vitamins are supposed to help with CM.

I never dreamed that it’d take this long. Ugh.

2 days to go

AF is due on Wednesday. Against my better judgement, I tested yesterday, in the middle of the day, at 11DPO. Of course, I got a BFN. I was disappointed, but have been trying to remind myself that not only was it probably too early, but I was an idiot and tested midday instead of using FMU.

So here I sit, bound and determined not to test until Thursday morning. I was feeling sort of bloated this morning, which made me feel sad. I used the restroom, and now I feel a little bit better. So maybe I’m thinking that the bloat wasn’t AF bloat, but “my stomach is too full and needs to be emptied” bloat. When I wiped, I saw what I thought was a faint color to my CM (which is creamy right now, usually a sign of AF) and almost started to cry. Literally, I was sitting there almost in tears. Once again, even though I told myself I wouldn’t trust any IPS ever again, I have myself half-convinced that I’m pregnant. My boobs have been getting increasingly sore, swollen, and veiny since early last week. I’ve been getting queasy after eating since the middle of last week. I’ve been tired. My skin hasn’t broken out, which it usually does about a week before AF. So how come I feel so hopeless, like I’m out this month? We were wandering around Wal-Mart yesterday looking at baby clothes. I was smiling, so excited to be thinking about a tiny little baby inside of me. DH turned into a new aisle before I did, and I was suddenly struck with this desperation, I literally stopped, closed my eyes, and silently begged and pleaded, with my hand on my belly, to be pregnant. I was standing there, thinking, “Please, Please, PLEASE let this be it. PLEASE.”

I want to be pregnant for Thanksgiving. I want to be pregnant for Christmas… Last Christmas was so horrible (We lost the baby 3 days before Christmas last year), and it would be so wonderful for this Christmas to be a joyous occasion. I want to be the woman at the family function that everyone is excited to see; because I have a new life forming inside of me. I want to happily answer everyone’s questions about how I’m feeling, do I feel like it’s a girl or a boy? I want people to tell me over and over to eat, because I’m “eating for two”. Hell, I want to NOT be able to eat because I’m too busy throwing up! If I am pregnant now, I would be into my 2nd trimester by Christmas. I could actually relax a little bit for the holidays, and enjoy them.

I want to be pregnant so much right now, I’m almost in tears again. Please, baby. Please be in there. Please be getting nice and snuggly, to stay there until you are fully formed, healthy, and perfect. Please, please, please. I need you so much.

Bah.

Well, against my better judgement, I went to Walgreen’s on my lunch break yesterday, bought 2 HPTs, and POAS when I got back to work.

BFN.

A few hours later, I started very slightly spotting.

AWESOME.

This morning, more spotting. It’s brown, but since the miscarriage, my periods have been starting, and ending, with brown spotting. Go figure. I don’t know if there’s a scientific reason for that, but it never happened before my miscarriage.

*sighs* My temperature also took another degree dip, so I’m pretty officially out for this cycle. On to cycle #4. PreSeed, OPKs.. Here I come. I really hoped that I wouldn’t need you.