Christmas Anxiety

 

Thanksgiving has come and gone, and now the Christmas season is officially in full swing. I have mixed feelings about this time of year. I am looking forward to seeing my daughter experience the holidays, and I can’t wait until Christmas morning to see her open her presents. She sort of understood Christmas last year, but this year she is excited. She loves our Christmas tree and even picked out her very own ornament to hang on a branch. It’s a Barbie in a hideous pink dress, and she will kneel down in front of it and gaze at it lovingly, whispering sweet nothings into its plastic ears.

I am excited for Christmas, and I am also dreading the sad milestones that Christmas brings. Today marked what I guess is the first milestone; today would have been my mother’s 61st birthday. It also marks 1 year since I saw my mom for the last time before she went into the hospital. The visit was strange. In hindsight I understand a little better. At the time I thought she was just on heavy pain pills (which she may have been) but I realize now just how sick she was. On her birthday last year, she had little less than a month to live.

I think that I’ve been dealing with the anxiety I’m feeling over the anniversary of her death in subtle, almost subconscious ways. I’ve been feeling very self-conscious and sensitive and also easily annoyed. I have been feeling easily left out and just kind of glum on and off. It’s been a while since I’ve felt much of anything regarding my mom’s death, so it was hard to recognize the source of these feelings at first.

I guess I just need to take the good with the bad and accept my emotions and feelings as they come.

Dragons, Christmas, and American Horror Story

Good morning! It’s been a while since my last update where, in a Benadryl-induced half-stupor, I blogged about a dragon living in my throat.

I am happy to say that the dragon has been slain. A few days after I wrote that post I bit the bullet and went to a walk-in clinic, where they diagnosed me with a virus and an ear infection. They gave me antibiotics and sent me home. I am now at the tail end of my antibiotics and can safely say I never want to take them ever again. They’ve upset my stomach and made me nauseous for almost ten days straight. EFF. THAT.

What else is new? Nellie’s feeling much better, though she’s congested again. I’ve been trying to stay on top of it by keeping her on a decongestant. I hate to do that because I’m not thrilled with the idea of drugging her all the time, but I’m afraid if the mucous builds back up she’ll end up with another ear infection. INNER TURMOIL.

So Thanksgiving is next week, which blows my mind. It’s hard to believe that it’s that time of year again. I’ve been having a lot of mixed feelings about the upcoming holiday season. Considering what a hot mess last Christmas was, I am anxious about what sort of feelings and memories the sights and sounds of the holidays will bring back. In case you’re a relatively new reader, last Christmas my mother was admitted to the hospital on the 22nd of December. We had to admit her to hospice on Christmas Day. She was dead by the 28th. I had a very conflicted and tumultuous relationship with her, which made the whole thing very difficult to process. You can read my experiences from that week by clicking on “In Her Time of Dying” on the top bar of my blog, if you’re interested.

So that’s what’s been going on with us lately. Oh! I forgot to mention that Josh and I have become COMPLETELY obsessed with the first season of the show American Horror Story. It’s amazing and terrifying and creepy and WATCH IT NOW, is basically what I am saying.

That’s all for now. Happy Hump Day!