Not looking good

I was feeling moderately hopeful last night, as my boobs were still swollen, sore, I was queasy on and off all day, etc.


This morning, I went to use the bathroom, and when I wiped… Pink. Pink, pink, pink.

AF is due today, I have a feeling she’s going to make her appearance late today, or tomorrow.

I saw that pink, and I started to cry. I don’t know why I keep getting my hopes up, month after month. I cannot comprehend why it was so easy for us to get pregnant the first time (we got it on our FIRST TRY), and now, here we are, about to move on to our SEVENTH TIME trying. I know that this isn’t horribly long in retrospect; some couples try for much longer, but still. I should have a baby right now, but I don’t. I lost my baby, and I’m sitting here spinning my wheels, trying trying trying for a baby, wanting desperately to see that positive on an HPT; longing for the day that I can feel my little one kick, see him or her on that ultrasound screen moving about; hold that baby in my arms.

When will it be my turn? Will it ever be my turn? It doesn’t feel like it will right now. I’m feeling so down, so sad, I didn’t even want to come in to work today.

And today is my husband’s birthday. *Sighs* I wanted to be able to tell him he is going to be a daddy on his birthday. Instead, I’m just sitting here, waiting for AF to show her stupid, unwanted, ugly head. I wish she’d just get on with it already instead of making me wait.

1 day to go

Well, I was feeling pretty down yesterday. I’d been feeling somewhat crampy and bloated on and off all day, and was pretty certain that AF was on her way. I’m really in a state of waiting; limbo right now, because part of me feels like she’s coming, and part of me doesn’t. I really don’t know what to think at this point.

My boobs are still swollen, veiny, and SORE. OMG, I mean, so, so sore. Josh commented on the size of them last night. Good Lord, do they hurt.

I’m feeling queasy again today. I wasn’t yesterday, but I am today.

However, I tested again this morning (I am now 13DPO).. Another BFN. I didn’t have much urine to give; I woke up at 2 AM needing to pee, so I broke down and used another HPT. Sure enough… BFN. But my line was faint, which tells me I didn’t have much pee and it wasn’t very concentrated.

So, ugh, I’m still in waiting limbo HELL! I’m just not sure WHAT to think at this point. I’m sitting here, queasy with sore boobs, but very mildly crampy at the same time. And I swear my cervix is more open than it was a few days ago, but I’m not 100% sure.

Thursday, hurry up! I’m goin’ nuts here.

2 days to go

AF is due on Wednesday. Against my better judgement, I tested yesterday, in the middle of the day, at 11DPO. Of course, I got a BFN. I was disappointed, but have been trying to remind myself that not only was it probably too early, but I was an idiot and tested midday instead of using FMU.

So here I sit, bound and determined not to test until Thursday morning. I was feeling sort of bloated this morning, which made me feel sad. I used the restroom, and now I feel a little bit better. So maybe I’m thinking that the bloat wasn’t AF bloat, but “my stomach is too full and needs to be emptied” bloat. When I wiped, I saw what I thought was a faint color to my CM (which is creamy right now, usually a sign of AF) and almost started to cry. Literally, I was sitting there almost in tears. Once again, even though I told myself I wouldn’t trust any IPS ever again, I have myself half-convinced that I’m pregnant. My boobs have been getting increasingly sore, swollen, and veiny since early last week. I’ve been getting queasy after eating since the middle of last week. I’ve been tired. My skin hasn’t broken out, which it usually does about a week before AF. So how come I feel so hopeless, like I’m out this month? We were wandering around Wal-Mart yesterday looking at baby clothes. I was smiling, so excited to be thinking about a tiny little baby inside of me. DH turned into a new aisle before I did, and I was suddenly struck with this desperation, I literally stopped, closed my eyes, and silently begged and pleaded, with my hand on my belly, to be pregnant. I was standing there, thinking, “Please, Please, PLEASE let this be it. PLEASE.”

I want to be pregnant for Thanksgiving. I want to be pregnant for Christmas… Last Christmas was so horrible (We lost the baby 3 days before Christmas last year), and it would be so wonderful for this Christmas to be a joyous occasion. I want to be the woman at the family function that everyone is excited to see; because I have a new life forming inside of me. I want to happily answer everyone’s questions about how I’m feeling, do I feel like it’s a girl or a boy? I want people to tell me over and over to eat, because I’m “eating for two”. Hell, I want to NOT be able to eat because I’m too busy throwing up! If I am pregnant now, I would be into my 2nd trimester by Christmas. I could actually relax a little bit for the holidays, and enjoy them.

I want to be pregnant so much right now, I’m almost in tears again. Please, baby. Please be in there. Please be getting nice and snuggly, to stay there until you are fully formed, healthy, and perfect. Please, please, please. I need you so much.

One week to go

Until the moment of truth. I either get my BFP, or I don’t. Right now, I’m feeling kind of dully crampy, as usual. I’ve been feeling dully crampy since yesterday, so I don’t know if this means anything or not. My breasts, specifically right under my nipples have been sore since last week, and a bit heavier. They look a little veiny; but I notice it most when I’m not wearing a bra. They feel heavier on my chest. I was exhausted yesterday despite getting plenty of sleep the night before. I’ve been feeling a bit queasy in the mornings, and afternoons after eating.

All of this, I’ve come to find, can be signs of AF since my miscarriage. I truly am starting to think that when I finally do become pregnant, I won’t know it as my pre-AF symptoms have mimiced pregnancy symptoms so well in the past few months.

I’m trying to just chill out, and let whatever is meant to happen, happen. Sometimes it’s easier said than done.

I’m currently completely and utterly engrossed in a book called The Time Traveler’s Wife. I borrowed it from my friend (and former workout buddy) Michelle. She has told me about this book several times, as it is one of her favorites. I think it may BE her favorite, but she reads a lot so I’m not 100% sure.
Anyhow, this book is amazing. However, it does have few chapters that if you have experienced the loss of a child; miscarriage, stillborn, etc. that may bother you quite a bit. Just FYI, because I know a few of my readers have had losses.

So anyway, I’m not feeling overly optimistic about this month, nor pessimistic. I’m just kind of here, waiting. I guess that’s all I can do. :)

More Visual Inspiration

I’m finding my “positive thinking” momentum slipping the closer AF’s due date comes near. So here’s some more positive visualization!

And this is what I’m going to be seeing next week, just in time for Josh’s birthday:

Yep. It’s true. It’s going to happen this month. I will be seeing a nice, sticky BFP, and will be having my sweet little baby at the end of June, 2009! This is my month!

Positive Thinking/Visualization

This will be it. This is going to be my month.

CM? Oh CM? Where are you?

So I got a positive on my OPK yesterday. Along with some EWCM when I beared down (I’m vowing not to stick my fingers up there to check anymore; I think I wound up with a farily mild UTI and I think it could be from obsessively checking my CP and CM last month.

So anyway, I did see some EWCM when forcing it out from my body yesterday. Some, not a lot. DH and I BDed last night (in the proper position that is fitting for my tilted uterus), and now today… NOTHING. No CM. I can’t get ANYTHING when I bear down. I had this problem last month; the days after I’d BD I would be bone dry. I’m taking my Mucinex, so what gives? I’m terrified that this is why I haven’t gotten pregnant yet; what if my body just isn’t manufacturing enough CM? Is it possible to still have plenty of fertile CM up there even if it doesn’t reach your panties/toilet paper?

I’ve been guzzling water because I know that it’s also imperitive to good, fertile CM. What the hell gives with my dry vagina after I BD with my husband? I just don’t get it. We use Pre’ when we do need lube (which we did not last night), it’s like having sex saps my body of all its’ natural lubricants. Ugh, ugh, ugh. I’m so frustrated with my body, and its lack of cervical mucous.

Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go RIGHT NOW!

UGH. The downside of using OPKs to try and conceive: You are supposed to hold your pee for FOUR HOURS before you take a test, and limit your water intake. The problem with this, is that I’ve been taking cranberry capsules to try and keep what I think is a UTI at bay and with those you are supposed to drink a full glass of water. I am also taking Mucinex for CM purposes, and you are supposed to drink a full glass of water with THAT, too!!!! So I drank three full glasses of water this morning, and even though I’ve peed several times this morning and peed last at 8:30 A.M. (it’s nearly 11:30 right now), I HAVE TO GO SO BAD I WANT TO CRY. I’m supposed to hold it until 1:00, but I think I’ll only make it to 12. And that should be OK.
So I’m thinking I’ll ovulate sometime at the end of the week. My lady doctor recommended we try a specific position, due to the fact that I have a tilted uterus. I didn’t know that the first time we got pregnant, and there’s a good chance that we used this position when we conceived the first time.
Wow. Now that you know WAY too much about my urinating habits and sexual position preferences…. Have a good Tuesday!

On to cycle #6

It’s official. She’s here.

On to cycle #6.