The She-Stache.

One of the downfalls of being dark-headed is that hair shows up everywhere. Unless you’re not into the whole shaving thing, you HAVE to shave or else you look like a big, fuzzy bear. I have light-headed friends who declare that they never have to shave their legs and I usually shut them up by “accidentally” elbowing them in the face. Oops, was that your nose? Sorry.

I’ve noticed that on certain areas of my body, my hair seems to be darkening the older I get. Or maybe it’s post-pregnancy hormones. Or maybe I’m slowly turning into a werewolf. Regardless of the reason, I’ve begun to develop more and more of what I call a “she-stache” over the past few years. My “she-stache” used to not be that bad. It was kind of pesky, noticeable to me but to my knowledge no one ever took note of it before. I had tried various hair removals, including one unfortunate incident with a depilatory cream where I left it on too long, burned my upper lip and ended up looking like Two-Face. I also tried that NADS (heh. Heh heh.) stuff that’s like honey or sugar or molasses or some shit that you smear on your face and then rip off. It worked pretty well, except for the fact that for some reason the stuff made me break out on my upper lip. And I’m not talking just a few measly little bumps, I’m talking deep and painful pimples that lasted for weeks. I thought perhaps it was just the brand, so I wisely chose a different brand of skin-remover upper-lip wax and got the same results: huge zits from the depths of hell.

I gave up on removing the hair from my face, resigning myself to my fate. Then I got pregnant and after my first trimester, I looked like a magical glowing unicorn from heaven. Seriously, I looked awesome when I was pregnant. My skin was clear, my hair was great and aside from some massive stray hairs on my protruding belly and boobs (which freaked my husband out) my face-fur was pretty well under control. Then I gave birth and my body was like “WHAT THE HELL? Did you just push a MINIATURE HUMAN BEING OUT OF YOUR HOO-HA? I’m FREAKING OUT. PIMPLES. WOLF HAIR. UNCONTROLLABLE FLATULENCE. BODY ODORRRRR. ” and my “she-stache” (whom I’ve since named Shelly. Shelly She-Stache) came back with a vengeance. I stare at her with loathing each day, hoping that somehow my eyes will suddenly emit lasers that will burn the bitch off my face but that never happens. Because science is stupid and hasn’t invented laser eyes yet. What the fuck, science?

I guess that Shelly and I are stuck together until I find some kind of hair removal that doesn’t peel layers of my skin off or summon forth the Satan Pimples. Any suggestions or helpful tips are welcome but please say them discreetly because I think Shelly’s begun developing intelligence and I don’t really want to anger her. *side eye*