My Famous Vagina

So I had a little discussion with some blogging friends of mine not too long ago. They’ve been a source of inspiration for me lately – go figure. Creative women + a little beer = blogging gold. We had a discussion about “famous encounters and connections” recently, and one of mine elicitied a “OMFG BLOG ABOUT THIS. NOW.” reaction so like a good little blogger, I obliged.

Thanks for the suggestion, Suzanne!

SO. My claims to fame. Most of them are nothing fancy or special. Like, most of them are actually secondhand. For example:

  • My dad was Vanessa Redgrave’s chauffer for a summer when he was like, twelve. Did you also know that back in the middle ages – when my dad was young – they gave driver licenses to twelve year olds? Did you also know that in the middle ages they had vehicles, and also Vanessa Redgrave? Now you know. (SIDE NOTE: it’s totally fine if you don’t know who Vanessa Redgrave is. Click here for more information)
  • My grandma was Natalie Wood’s secretary.
  • She was also a contestant on the Price is Right. The awesome Price is Right with Bob Barker – not the imposter Price is Right with Drew fucking Carey. She won everything. Like, the whole show. She won a dune buggy, and a grandfather clock, and some other useless shit that I’m sure she sold for money. I don’t really know – it was before I was born.
  • My mother claimed that she slept with Chuck Norris, BUT, my mother also once claimed that a raccoon bit her on the leg and she yelled at it to make it go away, SO THERE’S THAT.

I digress. Back to my famous encounters and connections. I don’t have many, but I do have these:

  • I once saw Paul Shaffer in an airport in Florida. I was on a band/choir trip, and a bunch of the band dudes were geeking out. They were all “ZOMG PAUL SHAFFER” and I was like “Hurr?” So they all swarmed him at a magazine stand or something, and I stood there pretending like I knew what was going on. He was a dick. (Don’t know who he is? It’s ok, I didn’t either.
  • I have seen Ricky Martin in concert. TWICE. IT COUNTS. Right?

That’s about it, except I am forgetting my number one claim to fame. It’s going to blow your damn mind. Are you ready?

When 16 and Pregnant made its debut, I was bound and determined to catch the first episode, for two reasons. One, because I, too, was pregnant (though not 16. Irrelevant.) AND the first girl was from Chattanooga. I watched as Maci navigated her way through the complicated waters of teen pregnancy, fought with her babydaddy, ate at Rain (a local Thai “bistro”.. what a fucking pretentious word, by the way. BISTRO.  You’re a damn restaurant. STOP IT.) and rode four-wheelers while like, nine hundred weeks pregnant.

Anyway I was sitting there, watching, when she had a doctor visit. She was lying there, all pregnant and waiting for her doctor and I thought, “That waiting room looks awfully familiar”. Then her doctor came in, and spoke to her (but the camera still didn’t show her face) and I thought, “That doctor sounds awfully familiar”.

Then the camera panned to the doctor’s face, and I realized:

MACI’S VAGINA DOCTOR WAS ALSO MY VAGINA DOCTOR. DO YOU REALIZE WHAT THIS MEANS?

What this means, my friends, is that Maci’s vagina doctor has looked at her vagina – because she’s a vagina doctor – AND HAS ALSO LOOKED AT MY VAGINA. What does this make my vagina?

PRACTICALLY. FAMOUS. Maci’s vagina and my vagina are pretty much like, BFFs. We should probably go get them vajazzled together or something. Is vajazzling still a thing? I don’t know, when you have a kid you lose touch with pretty much everything that’s cool. AM I RIGHT? Yes. Yes I am.

So anyway, Maci has gone on to be part of the popular show Teen Mom, and I’m left wondering… What about me and my (almost) famous vagina, Maci? What about it? Remember that time we went to the same crotch doc? Remember when we were going to go vajazzling?  No? Pff. I see how it is. You get all famous and forget your kindred vagina spirits (here’s another one of mine, by the way).

So that’s the story of my famous vagina. I hope you enjoyed it. By the way, this post was also partially inspired by a quote that I thought was Hemingway, but I just did a little Googling and it’s not. But here’s the quote anyway: “Write drunk, edit sober”.

The end.