Urn Shopping 101

Did you know that Wal-Mart sells caskets & urns? I didn’t until today. A coworker mentioned it to me because she knows I’m urn shopping. I’m shopping for three urns, to be exact. We are splitting mom’s ashes three ways (how weird and morbid is that?). Did you also know that there are different sizes of urns that hold varying volumes of remains? Sorry for being kind of graphic; I know this isn’t a topic a lot of people like to think of but really, it needs to be something more openly discussed. I mean, I don’t know what I’m doing. I’ve never shopped for ONE urn let alone three before. Not exactly like they offer an “Urn Shopping 101” class. Now enrolling: “Urn Shopping 101”, in between “Sewing for Dummies” and “Beginner’s Glass Blowing”.

We opted for the funeral home to divvy up the ashes, because the thought of that makes me want to barf. So oogy and weird. Let the professionals handle that.

That’s been my morning. How’s yours? This morbid post brought to you by Mommy Boots.

But seriously. Urns are fucking expensive. Ever see the Big Lebowski? Put me in a damn coffee can and scatter me somewhere when I die. I swear to god if my family spends $200 on a damned urn I will haunt them forever. YOU HEAR ME, FAMILY? COFFEE CAN. PREFERABLY FOLGERS. HAUNTING FOREVER. I don’t need an urn with my name engraved on it and doves flying or Jesus weeping or Jesus weeping over flying doves. I’ll be dead. It doesn’t matter. My wishes are to be scattered anyway, so why spend a ton of money on something decorative that my ashes will sit until they’re scattered?

Pet urns are cheaper than human urns. I might be looking at those as a viable option to put my mom’s remains in. She really did like cats, after all.

See? I still have a sense of humor. It’s been touchedĀ by a bit of the macabre, but it’s still there.