Almost the moment of truth

I’m expecting AF to show her head anywhere between today and Friday. I’m going to try to hold off on testing until Saturday morning, if she doesn’t show by then.

I’m feeling relatively indifferent with just a touch of optimism about this month. I’ve been crampy on and off since pretty much just a few days after ovulation, which is both disheartening and mystifying at the same time for me. I don’t know how that is possible, but that is the way I feel.

Ever since the cycle back in.. August, I think it was where I truly thought my IPS were RPS and that I was pregnant only to be ambushed by AF, I haven’t put much stock into IPS. Things I have noticed about this month is an abundance of creamy CM since a few days after O, I’ve been REALLY gassy (sometimes I think I’m cramping and get kind of disappointed, and then I’ll pass gas and the feeling will go away.. TMI, sorry!), and very tired. Monday and Tuesday night I went to bed around 8:30 PM. I would have probably gone to bed early last night but I had chorus and didn’t get home until later.

So there we have it. I don’t know what to think about this cycle. Part of me is hopeful, and the other part of me is so used to being disappointed and let down that I cannot possibly believe that this is finally it. I’ve honestly gotten into the mindset that I will never again get pregnant, so the thought of actually succeeding and getting a positive test result seems so out of the realm of possibility it’s hard to get excited.

Only time will tell. Keep your fingers crossed for me, if you are so inclined. An October pumpkin would be an awfully nice birthday gift for Josh.

I fly like paper, get high like planes
If you catch me at the border I got visas in my name
If you come around here, I make ’em all day
I get one down in a second if you wait
Paper Planes, M.I.A

1 day to go

Well, I was feeling pretty down yesterday. I’d been feeling somewhat crampy and bloated on and off all day, and was pretty certain that AF was on her way. I’m really in a state of waiting; limbo right now, because part of me feels like she’s coming, and part of me doesn’t. I really don’t know what to think at this point.

My boobs are still swollen, veiny, and SORE. OMG, I mean, so, so sore. Josh commented on the size of them last night. Good Lord, do they hurt.

I’m feeling queasy again today. I wasn’t yesterday, but I am today.

However, I tested again this morning (I am now 13DPO).. Another BFN. I didn’t have much urine to give; I woke up at 2 AM needing to pee, so I broke down and used another HPT. Sure enough… BFN. But my line was faint, which tells me I didn’t have much pee and it wasn’t very concentrated.

So, ugh, I’m still in waiting limbo HELL! I’m just not sure WHAT to think at this point. I’m sitting here, queasy with sore boobs, but very mildly crampy at the same time. And I swear my cervix is more open than it was a few days ago, but I’m not 100% sure.

Thursday, hurry up! I’m goin’ nuts here.

2 days to go

AF is due on Wednesday. Against my better judgement, I tested yesterday, in the middle of the day, at 11DPO. Of course, I got a BFN. I was disappointed, but have been trying to remind myself that not only was it probably too early, but I was an idiot and tested midday instead of using FMU.

So here I sit, bound and determined not to test until Thursday morning. I was feeling sort of bloated this morning, which made me feel sad. I used the restroom, and now I feel a little bit better. So maybe I’m thinking that the bloat wasn’t AF bloat, but “my stomach is too full and needs to be emptied” bloat. When I wiped, I saw what I thought was a faint color to my CM (which is creamy right now, usually a sign of AF) and almost started to cry. Literally, I was sitting there almost in tears. Once again, even though I told myself I wouldn’t trust any IPS ever again, I have myself half-convinced that I’m pregnant. My boobs have been getting increasingly sore, swollen, and veiny since early last week. I’ve been getting queasy after eating since the middle of last week. I’ve been tired. My skin hasn’t broken out, which it usually does about a week before AF. So how come I feel so hopeless, like I’m out this month? We were wandering around Wal-Mart yesterday looking at baby clothes. I was smiling, so excited to be thinking about a tiny little baby inside of me. DH turned into a new aisle before I did, and I was suddenly struck with this desperation, I literally stopped, closed my eyes, and silently begged and pleaded, with my hand on my belly, to be pregnant. I was standing there, thinking, “Please, Please, PLEASE let this be it. PLEASE.”

I want to be pregnant for Thanksgiving. I want to be pregnant for Christmas… Last Christmas was so horrible (We lost the baby 3 days before Christmas last year), and it would be so wonderful for this Christmas to be a joyous occasion. I want to be the woman at the family function that everyone is excited to see; because I have a new life forming inside of me. I want to happily answer everyone’s questions about how I’m feeling, do I feel like it’s a girl or a boy? I want people to tell me over and over to eat, because I’m “eating for two”. Hell, I want to NOT be able to eat because I’m too busy throwing up! If I am pregnant now, I would be into my 2nd trimester by Christmas. I could actually relax a little bit for the holidays, and enjoy them.

I want to be pregnant so much right now, I’m almost in tears again. Please, baby. Please be in there. Please be getting nice and snuggly, to stay there until you are fully formed, healthy, and perfect. Please, please, please. I need you so much.

Well…

I’m feeling less and less optimistic, I guess. My boobs are still sore and a bit puffy, and I had a really, really bad few hours of queasiness/nausea today. I’ve been hot a lot, and really tired.

But all day today on and off, I’ve been having those dull, achey cramps. The same ones that I felt around 10-11DPO last month, and I definitely was not pregnant last month. The more these cramps stick around, the less hope I feel.

My CM is also kind of lotiony, and there’s been more of it than usual today. I don’t know if that’s a “good” sign, or not. I think creamy CM is supposed to be a sign of AF.

So I’ve gone from convinced that I’m pregnant, to not so convinced, to pretty much expecting AF to show up in a few days. I know that my temps are still high, but I have been temping vaginally this month so they are bound to be consistently higher. I know they are STILL high, but last month my last high temp was 11DPO, and then they fell from there. I’m 11DPO tomorrow. So we’ll see what we see.

*sighs* Tuesday couldn’t get here fast enough.

Ehhhh…

Of course, now I’m doubting myself. I’m wondering, are my boobs really all that puffy?

Sure, I’m hungry, tired, and hot, but so what? I get tired before AF anyway. I hate this waiting game. I swear I’m feeling very, very mildly and dully crampy, like I did last month about 5 days before my period. *sighs* I hate waiting. I wish I knew, for sure, one way or the other.

:)

My nipples hurt, a lot. And the areolas are puffier. Josh noticed them this morning. This makes me very, very happy.

I’ve still been having some poking sensations, but none so much as Monday. They’re just random now, and I am truly hoping that this is a great sign. I just have that “feeling”. A really good feeling. Like I said, I’m going to feel like such an idiot if my period shows up Monday or Tuesday, but I just.. I feel like this is it.



A secret confession

This is my journal that almost no one knows about. I want to get this out in the open, but I’m almost afraid to.

I am confessing, right here and now..

That I think that I may be pregnant.

I don’t want to jinx anything. But for the first time since TTC, I have real and valid IPS. I feel similarly to how I did with my first pregnancy. I can’t ignore the sore breasts, and the puffiness. OK, I can; because my breasts have been getting puffier and more sore since the miscarriage. But those sharp, stabbing sensations I had yesterday I just could not ignore. I’m a lot more “moist” down there than I usually am, and this fatigue is just killing me.

I’m almost afraid to say it out loud, because I desperately don’t want to be wrong. I know that if my period shows up in a week, I will feel like the biggest, dumbest idiot for truly believing that I could be pregnant. I almost don’t WANT to believe that I am, because another part of me is so skeptical.

I don’t know if any of this makes any sense. But a part of me thinks I may be pregnant.

Let’s just keep our fingers crossed, shall we?

1WW

1WW and IPS:

  • Tired. Feels like someone took a syringe and drained the energy from my body.
  • My skin broke out long before AF was due.
  • Breasts are somewhat puffy around the aereolas, a little heavy; nipples are sore.
  • Twinges/sharp poking sensation in lower abdomen yesterday.
  • Woke up at 2 AM to pee. When I woke up at 5, I had to go so bad I almost could scream.
  • Weird dreams.

These things could mean nothing, and they could mean EVERYTHING.

Testing is now one week away.

Must.. Resist… Temptation…

Well, Wednesday has come and gone and still no AF. When I started feeling crampy on Monday, I was convinced she’d be here by then.

Since Monday, I’ve experienced a few twinges and a little dull aching, but nothing like it was Monday. I don’t know whether to be optimistic about this or not. My temps took a little bit of a dive today, which I’m not too happy about. But I also know that I sleep with my mouth open, and that can make temping less accurate. My temps are still in the low 98/high 97 range, so I guess that’s still relatively promising. If I don’t get pregnant this month, I’m going to start temping vaginally.
As for IPS, my boobs are very, very sore. They’re not puffy and swollen like they were with my first pregnancy, which is discouraging. I realize that every pregnancy is different, but that was my first sign that something was off, and I guess I’ve been looking to my boobs for the first sign that I’m pregnant.
I’ve been a little queasy today, and kind of scatterbrained. I’m trying really hard to resist the temptation to run to Walgreens on my lunch break and get a pregnancy test. I really want to test. Like, really, really badly. But I’m not considering AF late until Saturday has come and gone. I had all intentions on testing Saturday morning, but now I don’t know. I just don’t know. I really, really want to test today.
Maybe I’ll compromise, buy a test tonight, and test tomorrow morning. I think that’s what I’ll do. By then, I’ll either be 13 or 15 DPO, depending on when I ovulated and surely an HPT would pick it up if I was pregnant.

HULK SMASH

Um, wow. I’m in a baaaaad mood today.

I wish I could say it’s a promising IPS, but I’m not so sure anymore. I’ve been having some OK ones; sore bbs, a little moody, bouts of queasiness, and a general “off” feeling. My temps are still hovering high, my CP is medium, medium texture, and it’s closed.
However, I’ve been feeling very dully crampy today. All day. It stopped briefly around lunchtime, but it’s been around all day. It’s just a very dull ache. I’m kind of hoping it’s implantation/pregnancy cramps, but I didn’t think that implantation cramps hung around for more than a few minutes. I fully expect to see AF in her full, horrible glory by Wednesday. *sighs*
I was feeling really good about this month, too. I’m in just a horrible mood today; everything is going wrong, everything is irritating the holy living snot out of me. I mean, every time someone opens their mouth to say something all I can hear in my head is “SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSTOPTALKINGNOW.”

Oh, to be a girl. Isn’t it FABULOUS?!
So, countdown to AF is on. I am expecting her anywhere between Wednesday and Sunday. If she doesn’t come by Saturday, I’m taking an HPT. But with this crampy feeling, I think she’ll be here sooner. I just don’t know.
If we don’t get pregnant this time around, I’m breaking out the big guns. I’m buying PreSeed, OPKs, and maybe even Instead Cups. I know that I may seem crazy, but I want to be pregnant. I’m sick and tired of seeing pregnant women and being angry, jealous, and sad. I’m tired of wandering through the aisles at stores, gazing wistfully at the baby clothes and wondering when it’s going to be my turn.
It was so easy the first time around, too. I estimated when I was set to ovulate, we had sex every other day, and bam. I was pregnant. Of course, that pregnancy ended in miscarriage, but the getting pregnant part was awfully easy.
I know I shouldn’t complain. This is just cycle #3. I haven’t had it as bad as some others.
But in the words of Inigo Montoya…
“I hate waiting.”