Losing Green Bean – 3 Years Later

On this day 3 years ago, I had already received the news from my doctor.

It could just be cramping and bleeding but unfortunately, it sounds like the beginning stages of a miscarriage.

Miscarriage. That word echoed in my brain, bouncing off the walls of my skull until I thought it would shatter. The word I’d feared the entire 3 weeks of my pregnancy. And there it was, laid out before me.

On this day 3 years ago, my husband and I emerged from our apartment, our hearts heavy with what we knew was happening despite my doctor’s hopeful “could-be’s”. My bleeding was heavier and I was cramping. We made some phone calls and headed to Wal-Mart to get the makings for some comfort food: chili.

We came home. We slept. We cried. We gorged ourselves on chili. We watched some movies, the only one that I can remember being The Truman Show.

And then, later that evening, the actual loss. The moment I knew it was all over. The physical and emotional pain.

More tears. More pain. Three years ago today, we said goodbye.

And on this day, three years later I remember. I remember the little life, the little heart that beat inside me for such a short period of time. My little Green Bean. On this day, three years later, I have a child to hold and to love and I realize what a blessing this is. I cherish each day with my baby daughter, because I realize that things could have gone the same way with her that they did with Green Bean.. But they didn’t, and for that I am thankful.

But December 22nd will always hover over my head like a dark rain cloud. Each year the cloud gets a little smaller and the rain a little lighter, but I know that it will follow me until the end of my days. My baby daughter is the ray of sunshine peeking through that cloud, but it will remain with me always.

Rest in Peace, Green Bean. I loved you then, I love you now, and I will love you for always.

Mama

Green Bean – My First Babe

Hey, baby love. It’s mama. It’s December 2nd again, and do you know what that means? It means that it’s the anniversary of the day that I found out for sure, and the day that we shouted to the world, that we were pregnant with you! I knew the night before after getting a faded-looking (but still obvious) plus sign on a Wal-Mart brand home pregnancy test, but December 2nd was the day I took that second test and it was unmistakably, boldly, positive. Like you were shouting, “I’M HERE, MAMA!”

I was so excited to be carrying you. Little, bitty, poppyseed-sized you. I couldn’t wait to have an ultrasound so I could see you! At first, we didn’t see anything – just a yolk sac. But when we went in the second time, I got to see your heartbeat! A little tiny flick-flick-flick on the screen that made my heart soar.

My happiness was short-lived and turned to heartbreak. Utter devastation.. So many feelings, babe. It’s been three years, but I still remember so vividly the first time I felt a cramp that I just couldn’t ignore. I was at work, walking from my chair to the counter and the pain stopped me in my tracks.  My heart felt like it dropped into my toes. All day I had been convincing myself that the spotting wasn’t a big deal.. That the fact that it was getting heavier, and darker, wasn’t a big deal but when I felt that cramp..

Well… You know the rest of the story sweetheart. My heart broke the day that I lost you, my love.  The deep, painful cramps were nothing compared to the searing pain in my soul.

Being pregnant with you was glorious. Every wave of nausea I felt, every little craving I had, every sip of water I took to help keep hydrated for you I cherish. I craved Cheetos and ramen noodles with you. I remember going to Wal-Mart and buying a pack of newborn diapers.. And a jar of green olives. I started a semi-private journal to document our journey together. It’s still around.. Sometimes I will log in and read my entries just to remember.

I wish that I still had a picture of the positive pregnancy test… I loved to look back on it and remember the feeling that surged through me when I saw it. Amazement.. Disbelief.. Awe.. Joy. I have the ultrasound picture from when we saw your heartbeat a mere 3 days before losing you.. It’s tucked away safely in a box with the blanket daddy bought you.

Did you know that you have a little sister now? Her name is Nellie and she’s a very funny lady. I think you two would have gotten along so well.

Green Bean, there still isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of you and wonder what you would be like. I know I’ve said it before, but thank you again, kiddo, for choosing me to be your mom for those short 3 weeks. It was an honor.

I am forever and always, your Mama. I love you.