Ha What?

It’s 7:00 in the morning, and I’m drunk off my ass.

Do I care? Not really. I was supposed to have my frigging baby today.

I’m drunk off my ass, it’s 7:00 AM, and I DON’T FRIGGING CARE.

I have told everyone that would possibly listen today in chatrooms about my baby today.

Melodramatic? Maybe.

I DON’T FUCKING CARE.

I FUCKING HATE THIS PAIN.

I. Fucking. Hate. It.

I’m going to stay up all day. I don’t even fucking care.

It’s 7 A.M. and I am not even tired.

I miss you so fucking much.

Fuck.

Uncharacteristic

It’s not like me to be this upset at someone’s good news. I’m sure R is thrilled to be pregnant, but this is one case where I cannot find it in myself to be happy for her. This hurts me. Another coworker of mine, C, is around 12 weeks, I think, and I’m ecstatic for her.. She and her husband have been trying for almost 3 years to get pregnant, and she finally is. That’s wonderful..

This girl, on the other hand.. I’m just having such a hard time with this. I wouldn’t wish a miscarriage on anyone, don’t get me wrong. It just seems so unjust, and so unfair that she, who rushed into a relationship, a marriage, and a pregnancy, is pregnant and Josh and I… We waited longer than we wanted to, to make sure we were 100% ready, and we lose our precious baby. I know that our miscarriage was “easier” than a lot of others.. It only took us one try to get pregnant, we didn’t struggle with infertility. I lost the baby early, at 7 weeks, and I miscarried naturally and completely, without any complications. Sometimes I don’t feel like I have a right to complain about my miscarriage, but damnit, this hurts. I feel like stamping my feet, and declaring to the world how unfair this is, like a child.

I feel guilty for having these feelings. Who am I to say she is undeserving of a child? It’s not my place to have these feelings. But I just cannot help it. I miss my baby so much, I wanted that baby for so long. I still want that baby. I’m trying so hard to focus on my weight loss, to think about my body and how good it feels right now; how good it feels to be getting back into shape. Thinking about the muscles that are becoming more prominent in my arms, in my abs.. The fact that my pants are almost falling off of me. But right now, my brain is stubbornly wanting to cling to this girl being pregnant, and I just cannot stop crying.

I know that most likely, no one ever reads this. And that’s okay. Sometimes, I just need to vent, to write, to be angry and sad, and jealous without judgement. It’s not like me to feel like this. I try so hard to be happy, to be grateful for what I have and not what I don’t.. But this is just hitting me really, really hard.

Why?

I know I’m posting in this a lot today. Maybe it’s because this is the first blog I’ve had that I know my family (specifically my mother) doesn’t read, so I feel free to rant and post, etc.

I belong to a group on iVillage known as Trying To Conceive After Miscarriage. The women there are awesome, and have been a source of comfort for me through everything.

Well, this one girl Sharon just posted that a fellow member of her Expecting Club (and TTCAM Graduate) had a miscarriage. This is her third.

Her THIRD.

Why does this happen? Why is it okay for a woman who smokes crack, drinks, and does other drugs to get pregnant without complications, while women like me, and all the other women on this board have to suffer loss, after loss, have fertility problems, and just.. It’s so unfair. I hate it. I hate that anyone has to go through this pain, and this suffering. I’m a believer that every experience in life is worth something, but this is so painful.

*sighs* I just hate it, especially when it happens to a woman who has already been through it once.