Early to Bed, Early to Rise Makes Mommy Crazy

If you see me as of late, my life looks a little bit something like this:

By the way, I am now from the 50’s and my child has blond hair. Ta Da!

But seriously. My child has decided that sleeping in is for the fucking birds. Which, by the way, haven’t even been chirping when she’s been waking up. I wrote earlier in the week about my fabulous Human Alarm Clock and at the time, I was still mildly amused at the fact that she’d been waking up earlier and earlier in the morning. We get up a little after 6 AM, and Nellie had begun waking at 5:45. Which is maddening. You know how you get up to pee, look at your alarm clock hoping you still have two hours to sleep when in reality, your alarm is set to go off in like a minute? Yeah, it’s just as frustrating when it’s fifteen minutes. No worries though, she remedied that irritation by getting up EVEN EARLIER.

Yesterday she woke at 5:15 and I decided to put her to bed earlier, to my husband’s protests:

Josh: If she’s waking up earlier, why would you put her to bed earlier? Put her to bed later.
Me: No, I’ve read that if your baby gets up really early, they’re actually not getting enough sleep and it’s makes them over-tired or something, and you should put them to bed earlier.
Josh: ……….. That doesn’t even make sense.
Me: I READ IT ON THE INTERNET AND THE INTERNET IS NEVER WRONG

So we put Nellie to bed by 6:30 last night, and this morning she broke a recent record and was up at 5:10. In the morning. It was dark and there was no one in the universe awake besides us.  I usually go in to her when she starts fussing and crying but this morning I was so tired and fed up with this sudden early bird business, that I let her cry. I’m a horrible mom, I know. She cried for about a minute and then was silent for about ten. I relaxed back into my bed, hopeful that she’d drifted back off to sleep. I myself never did go back to sleep because I was expecting at any moment to be woken by my chirpy little bird.

She fussed on and off for about 45 minutes. I stubbornly refused to get her out of her bed until 6 A.M., which is ridiculous because my kid can’t tell time. I lay there thinking, “This will teach her a lesson. I’ll show her that we don’t wake up before 6 A.M. in this house. MOMMY WINS FOREVER.”

Then my cat started bitching loudly, and scratching my bed post, even though his damned food bowl was full. I glared at him from under the covers as he screamed in my face. I resigned myself to the fact that I will never ever sleep past 6 A.M. again without either a child or a feline screeching at me. I stuck to my guns, though, and didn’t retrieve Nellie from her crib until 6 A.M. HA! SHOWED YOU, TODDLER.

Tonight I’m going to take my husband’s suggestion of a later bedtime. I don’t understand why she suddenly began waking up at such an ungodly hour when she’s been sleeping until at least 6 A.M. for months now. Thoughts? Suggestions? It’s cool to put some vodka in her bedtime milk, right? Just a little? Yes? Vodka always makes me want to sleep in.