3 Things I Find More Offensive Than Gay Marriage: Guest Blogger Veronica Armstrong

So my next guest blogger, Veronica? Effing. Hilarious. Seriously. Words can’t describe how witty and funny this girl is. She also takes amazing photographs, loves the Simpsons, and smells like a fresh summer breeze……. I mean….. Um. *runs*

*****

Fanny Packs

I’m tackling the hard topics today.

Fanny packs. They offend me.

I’ve had it. Its two thousand and something and people still haven’t found a better way to carry their Big League Chew? Seriously what are you carying around that is so important that a pocket will just not suffice?

Let me let you in on a little secret: you look like a tool. Possibly a rich tool. If you’re wearing a fanny pack, scheming ass would-be criminal types (me) will assume you have so much cash on you that it won’t fit in to your pockets.

It’s in your best interest to retire your Alf fanny pack already. I’m telling you this as a friend and a concerned citizen even though the thug in me wants all that sweet cash. See how nice I am?

Public canine deification

No one loves dogs more than I do.

I even air kiss strange dogs on the street.

Well, I used to until that jerk chihuahua on College Street in Burlington, Vermont almost bit my face off. Jerk. I’ll see you again.

Anyway. Dogs are awesome. Until they do that awkward pooping squatting thing that they do. It’s vile and offends me on all levels. You could be skipping along having an awesome day but the second you see a dog start to do that nasty squat poo thing your day is ruined. I deserve better.

WE deserve better.

I know dogs have to do their business so I propose that their owners bring pretty Japanese screens or portable cabanas along on walks. Fido gets some privacy, owner maintains dignity, and my sense of decorum is maintained.

Think of it as an art project. Crack out your old bedazzler, some science fair tri-fold boards, and get to work. Heck you could even Chevron stripe and Ombre up that shit. I don’t care. Go nuts.

Play your cards right and I might even pin your creations.

You’re welcome.

Truck nuts

There is absolutely no reason to have metal testicles dangling from the rear of your vehicle. I understand your need to inform the world that your ’98 Chevy S10 “has balls”.

I do.

But can’t you find some other way? It saddens me that I even have to use the word testicle on this here blog (see? the redneck is rubbing off on me) because Lord knows poor Natalie is going to get some nasty googlers here but this needs to be said.

truck nuts

Truck nuts are offensive, disgusting, and useless. And ladies? If you’re willingly riding in one of these treticle having vehicles your parents failed you. Big time.

I’m so sick of truck nuts that I’m thinking about crocheting truck sized short shorts to cover them up while their owners are in Walmart. Boom. Your filthy testicle having truck is now wearing a beautiful peach colored pair of croteched shorts.

Classy.

Enough with the truck nuts. I get that you’re trying to inform the world that you’re a raging douchebag but leave something to the imagination. We’ll find out soon enough when you invite me on a date to TGI Friday’s and then ask me to pay for half of my chicken lunch (you know who you are ex boyfriend douche from 2000).

Here’s the deal.

Gay marriage is not offensive. Your offense is offensive. I am a Christian type (don’t let the fanny pack robberies fool you I’m actually a pretty upstanding citizen and card carrying best friend of Jesus) and have grown weary of the bible thumpers tossing around misunderstood and incorrectly quoted Bible verses.

I get that the Bible says something about marriage being between a man and a woman. It also says a bunch of other things that you choose to ignore. Have you sent your menstruating friends off to sleep in huts for a week? Didn’t think so.

SO if you’re going to live by the Bible you’d better go all the way or else your argument is faulty and I am declaring it void. Even if gay marriage is a sin you’re not the one getting gay married (because really no one wants your pimply hypocritacal ass anyway. kidding!) so what do you care? YOU’RE not the one committing the sin!

Everyone wins.

Rememeber that part in the Bible about only God judging? Oh, you forgot that eh?

You’re a sinner. I’m a sinner.

If you are truly a scholar of the Bible then you should know better than everyone else that ALL SINS are bad. Stop questioning the choices of others because they commit different sins in the eyes of *your* God. It’s ludicrous.

It really is.

Listen if you think your marriage is in danger because gay people might someday get married then you have issues far larger than this one. Let me make this clear: equal rights for everyone does not mean that a gang of tanned, toned, and well oiled men in tight short shorts are going to parade in to your home to a techno beat and abscond with your husband.

It isn’t happening. Gay people are just regular people. They don’t care about your marriage. Why do you care about theirs?

In conclusion there are a million other things to be offended by in this world. Gay marriage? Not one of them.

As. You. Were.

veronica armstrongVeronica is a stay at home mother and freelance writer. She lives with her husband and two small children in Cornell University graduate student housing while her husband studies for his MBA. She blogs at VeronicaArmstrong.com about photography, pretty things, and life as an MBA wife.

Although all of the above sounds slightly fancy Veronica is not above eating bacon off the floor or robbing fanny pack wearing tourists.