Still Working On Some Things…

I still get jealous when I see/read/hear about other pregnant women, especially if they have not been trying as long as I have.

This is not a fair emotion for me to have, but it’s there. Unless you’ve been on this TTC Roller-coaster, and especially if you’ve never experienced the loss of a baby, you can’t and won’t ever understand. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again.

It’s not an emotion I like to feel. It makes me feel petty and bitter. I don’t like feeling that way, I’d rather feel positive and optimistic, and happy for those fertile little ladies. I try very hard to put things in perspective. It’s just hard when I’ve been wanting for so long, and trying for so long and am still unsuccessful and others just have such an easy time at it.

So, that’s my little confession. It’s something I need to work at and every day I get a little better.

Babies having babies

A friend of mine posted this story on their journal, and I am re-posting. The only thing that I can think to say, or ask rather, about this story is why?

13 Year Old Boy/15 Year Old Girl Become Parents

One year and 4 months of being ready for a baby, one miscarriage, and 8 cycles of actively trying to conceive versus one night of unprotected, uninformed sex.

Tell me: how is this fair?

Sad

I have a coworker who just got married at the end of November. 2 weeks later, she found out she was accidentally pregnant. She and her husband had been trying Natural Family Planning to prevent pregnancy, and it didn’t quite work out.

Needless to say, I was pretty unhappy, upset, and jealous. I’ve been outwardly positive and accomodating to her of course, because this is a very happy time for her and regardless of my jealousy she doesn’t need that negative energy surrounding her.

Well, she came in to work this morning and told me she thinks she might be having a miscarriage. She began bleeding heavily this weekend, went to the ER, and they diagnosed her with a “threatened miscarriage”. She said she bleeding has slowed down since then and she has not passed any tissue. I’m not 100% sure she is having a miscarriage, but she’s going to the doctor today to be sure.

I feel horrible now for being so jealous. I never ever want this for anyone, regardless of how unfair I think it may be, or how jealous I may feel. *sighs* I just hope and pray that everything’s OK with her and her little one. She’s about 13 weeks now, I think.

‘Bout damn time

Thanks for finally showing up AF, it’s really nice to see you.

/sarcasm

I rescheduled my wisdom tooth surgery for January 12th. This means we will not be able to try for one more cycle, which is probably for the best because my fertile time would have most likely come while we were on vacation in Chicago anyway, and that would have just been awkward to try to have a baby while sleeping in my father’s living room.

But my surgery is paid for, so it’s going to happen on the 12th. I’m anxious to just get it the hell over with so we can start trying again. I’m tired of everyone in the universe getting pregnant around me, either intentionally or accidentally with me sitting here spinning my damn wheels. I’m tired of being jealous every time I hear about someone getting pregnant, regardless of whether I know them or not. Seriously, every time I hear about a woman announcing a pregnancy, I feel jealous. It’s ridiculous. I understand that it’s a stupid, petty emotion to feel but I cannot help myself. I’m tired of everyone else having their turn while I’m still stuck here. It frigging sucks, and I’m not going to apologize for the way I feel. What happened to me isn’t fair, it sucks, and I have the right to feel every emotion that comes with losing a baby.

OK, that rant is over. That being said, it’s pretty cool that Christmas is coming up, I’m not looking forward to the 22nd as that is the anniversary of the day we lost the baby, but whatever. It’s going to come, I have to deal with it, and then after that all the major “losing the baby” milestones will have passed.

Meanwhile, it seems like everyone in the universe is getting pregnant except for me. OK, I need to stop bitching about that because that’s just the way things go and nothing I do can change the fact. And logically I know that not everyone in the universe is pregnant besides me but sometimes it sure does feel that way.

It really is a sisterhood..

The girls from my iVillage group ‘Trying To Conceive- After Miscarriage’ are amazing. They really are. Never have I found such understanding when it came to my miscarriage. Because while our stories may all be different, our hearts all hurt the same.

I’ve spoken with so many people, some friends of mine with children, who tell me things like, ‘just be patient, it’ll happen.’ Or, ‘stop trying so hard! Just relax!’
These people give me advice, words of “wisdom”, all the while blissfully unaware of the struggle that is infertility problems of any kind, whether it be struggling to conceive, miscarriage, or what have you. If you have not had problems conceiving (and I’m not talking, ‘oh it took me FOUR WHOLE MONTHS to conceive!’), you do not understand. If you have not experienced the loss of a child-and that is what a miscarriage is, no matter HOW early it was-then, you do not understand, plain and simple.

You don’t know what it’s like to see a pregnant woman, to look down at your own belly and be reminded of what SHOULD be, and to be filled with such an overwhelming feeling of sadness, it feels as if the entire fiber of your being is going to split apart with the grief. You can not understand the sense of loss, the sense of never EVER being able to know that child that you conceived; to not even make it to the point where you truly knew if it was a boy or a girl. To have a miscarriage is to lose your dreams and your hopes for that tiny little life inside of you. The loss of a child is unlike any other loss. The loss of a grandparent, a parent, a sibling, aunt, uncle, cousin… These are all losses that of course, are real and valid, and painful. But to lose a child generates a whole new level, and depth of grief, that if you haven’t been through it, you simply cannot know what it feels like.

A woman who has lost a baby most likely will not come out and express her jealousy toward other pregnant women aloud, because we know what others will think of us. People who haven’t been there can’t sympathize, and thus they jump to the conclusion that we’re bitter, hateful, and full of negativity. This simply is not true. We are in pain. Every glimpse of a baby belly; every glance at a onesie is a constant reminder of our loss. This is why places like my message board, and this blog, come in handy. With my “sistahs”, I can talk about anything. I can vent my sadness at seing a newborn baby at a store. I can share with them the jealousy when I see a pregnant woman waddling through the maternity section of Target. And they will not judge me, because they themselves have felt the exact same thing. Is this emotion necessarily a fair thing to feel? No, it’s not. Any woman who is pregnant is entitled to feel the joy of carrying a new life inside of her. Of course she does. But that doesn’t make my (and other women’s) feelings any less there, or any less painful.

This is my blog. This is a place for me to go, to express my feelings about my miscarriage, and our trying to conceive again. If you don’t like what I say here, don’t read it.
It’s taken longer than I anticipated. I wish every single solitary day of my life that I hadn’t lost my baby. I wish that I were holding that newborn child in my arms right now, singing him or her to sleep. Feeding that tiny little being. But I’m not. And unless you have gone through what I, and many other women, have gone through you will not EVER understand.

And I honestly and sincerely, with every ounce of myself, hope you never do understand. Because it’s one of the worst things I can imagine a person having to go through. I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone, ever, and I wish that no one had to endure it.

When it finally is my turn, I know that if I ever see a woman who looks at me a little too long, with a sad, jealous, or angry look in her eye, I will know her pain, and understand that it’s nothing personal. She’s hurting, she’s lost, and all she really wants is her baby back.

Hey, jealousy!

Wow. Last night, between the movie theatre and Wal-Mart, I saw 4 – count ’em – FOUR pregnant women.

It’s not as hard as it used to be, now that my EDD has passed and I’m not eying them knowing I should LOOK like them, but I still get a twinge of jealousy.

I’m trying very hard to be patient. Very, very hard to be patient indeed.

Have you ever been to an amusement park? You know, when you’re waiting in line for a roller coaster for a really long time, and all of a sudden, somebody who hasn’t been waiting as long or as patiently as you have sneakily ducks through the queue lines, and cuts in front of you? This is how I feel sometimes. I know a few women who have gotten pregnant accidentally, or after 1-3 cycles of trying, and that is how it makes me feel. I want to stand on my tiptoes, and yell at them, “WAIT YOUR TURN!” I want to say something to them, but of course, I don’t. I stay quiet, silently fuming to myself, throwing my wordless little temper tantrum inside of my head.

I know that I’ll eventually get on that roller coaster. Maybe it will break down sometimes, and I will have to wait a bit longer. But I’m a more patient person than Little-Miss-Cuts-In-Line. And I guess in the end that will make me appreciate things a lot more.

A little time to cool down.

On my way home from work, I blasted some Coldplay, cried my face off, and now I feel a bit better.

I’m just so, so tired of wishing that I was pregnant. It makes me so sad sometimes, that I wonder how much sadness and longing one person can feel. My belly should be gigantic. I should be about ready to pop.

I know I’ve said these things a million times, and saying them doesn’t change the fact that I’m not pregnant. I lost my baby.

I was really holding out a lot of hope for this cycle. I had a good feeling right from the start. I know that I’m not officially out yet, but these cramps I’ve been having all day have been going on too long to be implantation cramps, I think. I think I’m out, and it’s just a matter of days until AF shows her head.

My anger has passed, and has been replaced by sadness, longing, jealousy, and just… I want it to be my turn. I miss my baby so much. I loved him so much.

Hope springs eternal..

In the water

It honestly feels sometimes like every single woman on the face of this earth is pregnant, but me.

I was wandering around Facebook and was looking at some new pictures that the little sister of an old friend of mine had added, and lo and behold, saw my old friend Michelle posing, pregnant, with her husband.

It just seems like everyone is getting their babies but me. Why did I have to lose mine? I should be having my baby shower, I should be getting huge and fat, feeling baby kick.. I should be due in about 6 weeks. But I’m not. I’m not, I’m not, I’m not.

And I frigging hate it. Why did this have to happen to me? I am not one for self pity, but this is just one thing I can’t shake. It’s been 6 months since I lost the baby, and I’m still sad about it. I still think, “Why?” I still get sad when I see pregnant women. When someone I know gets pregnant, it still hurts.

When is it going to be my turn? For REAL this time? Not, “Oh! You’re pregnant. Wait, nevermind, no you’re not. BACK TO SQUARE ONE.”

Uncharacteristic

It’s not like me to be this upset at someone’s good news. I’m sure R is thrilled to be pregnant, but this is one case where I cannot find it in myself to be happy for her. This hurts me. Another coworker of mine, C, is around 12 weeks, I think, and I’m ecstatic for her.. She and her husband have been trying for almost 3 years to get pregnant, and she finally is. That’s wonderful..

This girl, on the other hand.. I’m just having such a hard time with this. I wouldn’t wish a miscarriage on anyone, don’t get me wrong. It just seems so unjust, and so unfair that she, who rushed into a relationship, a marriage, and a pregnancy, is pregnant and Josh and I… We waited longer than we wanted to, to make sure we were 100% ready, and we lose our precious baby. I know that our miscarriage was “easier” than a lot of others.. It only took us one try to get pregnant, we didn’t struggle with infertility. I lost the baby early, at 7 weeks, and I miscarried naturally and completely, without any complications. Sometimes I don’t feel like I have a right to complain about my miscarriage, but damnit, this hurts. I feel like stamping my feet, and declaring to the world how unfair this is, like a child.

I feel guilty for having these feelings. Who am I to say she is undeserving of a child? It’s not my place to have these feelings. But I just cannot help it. I miss my baby so much, I wanted that baby for so long. I still want that baby. I’m trying so hard to focus on my weight loss, to think about my body and how good it feels right now; how good it feels to be getting back into shape. Thinking about the muscles that are becoming more prominent in my arms, in my abs.. The fact that my pants are almost falling off of me. But right now, my brain is stubbornly wanting to cling to this girl being pregnant, and I just cannot stop crying.

I know that most likely, no one ever reads this. And that’s okay. Sometimes, I just need to vent, to write, to be angry and sad, and jealous without judgement. It’s not like me to feel like this. I try so hard to be happy, to be grateful for what I have and not what I don’t.. But this is just hitting me really, really hard.