Sad

I’m feeling frustrated and blue today. I feel like it’s never going to happen for me. I know that I have no way of knowing that, but it just seems like every month that passes, it gets harder and harder for me to believe that I’ll ever be pregnant again.

This, too, shall pass.

Sad

I have a coworker who just got married at the end of November. 2 weeks later, she found out she was accidentally pregnant. She and her husband had been trying Natural Family Planning to prevent pregnancy, and it didn’t quite work out.

Needless to say, I was pretty unhappy, upset, and jealous. I’ve been outwardly positive and accomodating to her of course, because this is a very happy time for her and regardless of my jealousy she doesn’t need that negative energy surrounding her.

Well, she came in to work this morning and told me she thinks she might be having a miscarriage. She began bleeding heavily this weekend, went to the ER, and they diagnosed her with a “threatened miscarriage”. She said she bleeding has slowed down since then and she has not passed any tissue. I’m not 100% sure she is having a miscarriage, but she’s going to the doctor today to be sure.

I feel horrible now for being so jealous. I never ever want this for anyone, regardless of how unfair I think it may be, or how jealous I may feel. *sighs* I just hope and pray that everything’s OK with her and her little one. She’s about 13 weeks now, I think.

Heartbreaking

There is a woman named Amy who used to post to TTCAM. She is currently pregnant, and due very soon. Sometimes I lurk at PAL (pregnant after a loss) to see graduates’ updates and to dream about the moment that I finally get to post there. Well, I saw a post about Amy regarding her family; apparently she woke up to find her husband wasn’t breathing. He passed away.

When I read this, I was absolutely horrified. I don’t know what exactly happened to him. All I know is that she has 2 other children and one on the way, and now her husband is gone. When I read this, I ran out to Josh and told him about it, and hugged him so tight. I just cannot even fathom what I would do if I were to lose him.

I just read an update from Amy herself at PAL, and I’m on the verge of tears right now. I cannot even begin to think about how horrible this situation is for her. My heart is breaking for her, and the thought of the pain she’s going through now is almost unbearable.

I understand that death is a natural part of life and that everyone has to go sometime, but why do situations like this one have to exist? Why does she have to be left without a husband with 3 children? Why did she have to lose him? It’s just not fair.

Not looking good

I was feeling moderately hopeful last night, as my boobs were still swollen, sore, I was queasy on and off all day, etc.

HOWEVER.

This morning, I went to use the bathroom, and when I wiped… Pink. Pink, pink, pink.

Awesome.
AF is due today, I have a feeling she’s going to make her appearance late today, or tomorrow.

I saw that pink, and I started to cry. I don’t know why I keep getting my hopes up, month after month. I cannot comprehend why it was so easy for us to get pregnant the first time (we got it on our FIRST TRY), and now, here we are, about to move on to our SEVENTH TIME trying. I know that this isn’t horribly long in retrospect; some couples try for much longer, but still. I should have a baby right now, but I don’t. I lost my baby, and I’m sitting here spinning my wheels, trying trying trying for a baby, wanting desperately to see that positive on an HPT; longing for the day that I can feel my little one kick, see him or her on that ultrasound screen moving about; hold that baby in my arms.

When will it be my turn? Will it ever be my turn? It doesn’t feel like it will right now. I’m feeling so down, so sad, I didn’t even want to come in to work today.

And today is my husband’s birthday. *Sighs* I wanted to be able to tell him he is going to be a daddy on his birthday. Instead, I’m just sitting here, waiting for AF to show her stupid, unwanted, ugly head. I wish she’d just get on with it already instead of making me wait.

It’s the little things.

It’s amazing. The smallest things that went unnoticed before my miscarriage now carry the power to reduce me to tears.

A baby’s laugh. A commercial featuring chubby-cheeked, wobbly little toddlers running around a living room. A mother planting a gentle kiss on her newborn baby’s forehead.

These images, these sounds can catch me completely off guard, and make me feel like my world is tumbling in around me. In these moments, I look down at my belly, which should be swollen to the point of discomfort. I should be waddling like a duck. I should be wincing as my baby gouges me in the ribs, kicks me in places that I never thought I could be kicked before. I look longingly down at my belly which is, by no means a flat thing, but is not round as it should be.

My due date is next weekend. Next weekend. How did it get here so quickly? How did it get here at all? For the past 9 months, it’s been so far in the distance, I suppose I never really thought about dealing with it before. But here it comes, looming ever closer. I wonder sometimes if once it’s passed, the pain will lessen. I wonder if once it is behind me, I will stop looking down at my stomach with a wistful gaze….

I just heard an old man say, “Hope springs eternal” on the TV. I don’t know how that became my mantra, but I find myself using that quote everywhere.

I’m ready to be a mommy. I’m ready to hold my baby, to love my baby, to be a mother to my baby. I want my babies so much. I love them, all of them, and they aren’t even conceived yet.

Sometimes this grief feels like it’s going to swallow me whole. I feel like my heart is so swollen; it’s a wonder that it hasn’t burst. My eyes are so heavy with tears, I am amazed that I can keep them open.

Sometimes, all I can do is hang my head, hug myself, and cry.

Just cheer up already.

I cannot shake this sadness/disappointment I’m feeling. I know AF is coming. I still have dull cramps, and my cervix is slowly starting to open up. I’m out this cycle; I just know it.

I’m so sad. I had such high hopes for this month. I felt like we timed everything right, I’d had a good feeling right from the start; my temps were doing well and I felt like I had some promising IPS. I guess not, though. I know you’re technically not out until AF shows, but I feel like she’s coming.

I wish she’d just show up, and put me out of my misery. I wish that my temps weren’t still high, giving me some kind of stupid false hope. I wish my cervix would open, my cramps would come full force, and she’d just come already. Either that, or I wish the cramps would go away, my cervix would close, and this feeling of AF coming any time now would stop. At least then maybe my hope could be a little more warranted.

I know this is only our 3rd cycle trying and that I shouldn’t be so mopey and let down. Many others have been trying a lot longer than we have. I’m just so sad. I miss my baby so much, and I want to be pregnant. Women all around me are getting pregnant, and I’m left spinning my wheels, wanting our baby. I love my children so much already, and they’re not even conceived yet.

People keep telling me it will happen when it’s meant to happen. Well, when is that? Why can’t it be “meant to happen” now? Why do I have to wait, and want for so long, when others get theirs so easily?

When will my heart stop hurting like this? When will the sadness go away?

I need to stop feeling sorry for myself. I just can’t shake this melancholy, this want to just go home, be by myself, and not talk to anyone. I just want to go home and sleep.

A little time to cool down.

On my way home from work, I blasted some Coldplay, cried my face off, and now I feel a bit better.

I’m just so, so tired of wishing that I was pregnant. It makes me so sad sometimes, that I wonder how much sadness and longing one person can feel. My belly should be gigantic. I should be about ready to pop.

I know I’ve said these things a million times, and saying them doesn’t change the fact that I’m not pregnant. I lost my baby.

I was really holding out a lot of hope for this cycle. I had a good feeling right from the start. I know that I’m not officially out yet, but these cramps I’ve been having all day have been going on too long to be implantation cramps, I think. I think I’m out, and it’s just a matter of days until AF shows her head.

My anger has passed, and has been replaced by sadness, longing, jealousy, and just… I want it to be my turn. I miss my baby so much. I loved him so much.

Hope springs eternal..

In the water

It honestly feels sometimes like every single woman on the face of this earth is pregnant, but me.

I was wandering around Facebook and was looking at some new pictures that the little sister of an old friend of mine had added, and lo and behold, saw my old friend Michelle posing, pregnant, with her husband.

It just seems like everyone is getting their babies but me. Why did I have to lose mine? I should be having my baby shower, I should be getting huge and fat, feeling baby kick.. I should be due in about 6 weeks. But I’m not. I’m not, I’m not, I’m not.

And I frigging hate it. Why did this have to happen to me? I am not one for self pity, but this is just one thing I can’t shake. It’s been 6 months since I lost the baby, and I’m still sad about it. I still think, “Why?” I still get sad when I see pregnant women. When someone I know gets pregnant, it still hurts.

When is it going to be my turn? For REAL this time? Not, “Oh! You’re pregnant. Wait, nevermind, no you’re not. BACK TO SQUARE ONE.”