It’s been since November since I wrote a chapter in the story of how my husband Josh and I met in love. For those of you who might need a refresher, you can start from the beginning and work your way through. Here’s a list of previous posts:
Which brings us to When Mommy Met Daddy: Part Six.
I left with my Ex that night. We drove around for a while, talking. We went to Wal-Mart and walked around, talking. Finally we arrived back at the home that we’d shared and you guessed it.. More talking. We talked in circles; about how it hurt to split but how it felt right at the same time. We talked until the wee hours of the morning. I finally had to stop my ex from talking because it was 2 A.M. and I had to be at work the next morning. We said our good-nights, and I went to sleep in the bed with him on the couch.
The next morning I woke, feeling clear-headed and confident in my decision. We parted with a hug and I drove to work. The sun was shining and I felt lighter than I had in a very long time. I had done something I never thought I’d be able to do and I felt on top of the world.
The next few weeks aren’t very noteworthy. Josh and I hung out a lot. I went to work, I searched for an apartment, I vomited all over Josh at a party, you know. Normal stuff. I stayed with Josh’s brother for about three weeks while I looked for a place to live. One week in November, Josh’s brother went to Orlando and left the both of us to house-sit. Josh didn’t see the use in commuting back and forth from there and his parents’ house so he stayed in Tim’s room and I stayed in the guest room. We hung out a lot. Went out to eat, watched movies, etc. I forced him to watch both Jesus Christ Superstar and Chicago in one evening, which is not unusual for me but for someone who doesn’t love musicals? Zzzzzz.
There was a lot of weird tension between us. The desire to be together was there in both of us, but I was acutely aware of wanting and needing space in order to figure out what I wanted. I desperately did not want to mislead or hurt Josh in any way. I was feeling very confused. Josh was being a wonderful friend, cheering me up when I was feeling sad or lonely and giving me little gifts and flowers. It wasn’t unusual for him to appear at the restaurant holding a single rose he’d picked from somewhere. I felt myself falling for him and it terrified me.
One night, we came back to his brother’s house after watching a movie. We chatted about the film for a few minutes and I went off to brush my teeth and get ready for bed. When I was done, we said our good-nights and I headed into my room. I was changing into my pajamas when I noticed something lying on my pillow. I went over and picked it up. It was a small, square object with a piece of paper wrapped around it. I gently unfolded the paper and read in Josh’s handwriting:
I know I give you flowers, but flowers wilt and die.
You deserve to look at something beautiful anytime you want.
I set the piece of paper aside curiously, and opened the small wooden object in my hand. I was greeted with a startled, scared reflection of myself.
It was a mirror.
My breath caught in my chest and I sat down on the bed. I stared at my reflection and watched as my eyes welled up with tears. I quickly shut the mirror and clutched it to my chest. The tears began to fall and I became overwhelmed with feelings of affection, of happiness, and of fear.
I knew right then and there that we could have something beautiful but I just wasn’t ready. I couldn’t love Josh yet. I knew that we had to have a talk, and soon.