Just cheer up already.

I cannot shake this sadness/disappointment I’m feeling. I know AF is coming. I still have dull cramps, and my cervix is slowly starting to open up. I’m out this cycle; I just know it.

I’m so sad. I had such high hopes for this month. I felt like we timed everything right, I’d had a good feeling right from the start; my temps were doing well and I felt like I had some promising IPS. I guess not, though. I know you’re technically not out until AF shows, but I feel like she’s coming.

I wish she’d just show up, and put me out of my misery. I wish that my temps weren’t still high, giving me some kind of stupid false hope. I wish my cervix would open, my cramps would come full force, and she’d just come already. Either that, or I wish the cramps would go away, my cervix would close, and this feeling of AF coming any time now would stop. At least then maybe my hope could be a little more warranted.

I know this is only our 3rd cycle trying and that I shouldn’t be so mopey and let down. Many others have been trying a lot longer than we have. I’m just so sad. I miss my baby so much, and I want to be pregnant. Women all around me are getting pregnant, and I’m left spinning my wheels, wanting our baby. I love my children so much already, and they’re not even conceived yet.

People keep telling me it will happen when it’s meant to happen. Well, when is that? Why can’t it be “meant to happen” now? Why do I have to wait, and want for so long, when others get theirs so easily?

When will my heart stop hurting like this? When will the sadness go away?

I need to stop feeling sorry for myself. I just can’t shake this melancholy, this want to just go home, be by myself, and not talk to anyone. I just want to go home and sleep.

A little time to cool down.

On my way home from work, I blasted some Coldplay, cried my face off, and now I feel a bit better.

I’m just so, so tired of wishing that I was pregnant. It makes me so sad sometimes, that I wonder how much sadness and longing one person can feel. My belly should be gigantic. I should be about ready to pop.

I know I’ve said these things a million times, and saying them doesn’t change the fact that I’m not pregnant. I lost my baby.

I was really holding out a lot of hope for this cycle. I had a good feeling right from the start. I know that I’m not officially out yet, but these cramps I’ve been having all day have been going on too long to be implantation cramps, I think. I think I’m out, and it’s just a matter of days until AF shows her head.

My anger has passed, and has been replaced by sadness, longing, jealousy, and just… I want it to be my turn. I miss my baby so much. I loved him so much.

Hope springs eternal..