Not really pregnancy related, just a lady rant

Is there anything more miserable than the first heavy day of your period? I mean, seriously, girls. It’s just miserable!

I’m bloated, I feel all squishy and gross down there, I’m crampy, my jeans are tight. Let’s not even talk about how disgusting it is to go to the bathroom. Seriously, every time I go to pee I’m like, THIS IS SO GROSS.

Menstrual periods are nature’s big, fat, joke. Seriously. Let’s think of the most unpleasant, disgusting, uncomfortable thing that could possibly ever happen, and make it a monthly, necessary function in order to bear children. Yipee! I think the ONLY thing that would make it worse, is if instead of bleeding from your you-know-where, you bled from your MOUTH.

Hahaha, now I actually kind of have a funny visual in my head. Women wouldn’t need to explain their moodiness, cravings for chocolate, and crying fits to anyone as “that time of the month”, because people would know by the fact that the woman would be walking around with either a pad covering her mouth or a stack of tampons shoved inside it.

HA HA HA. OK now I can’t stop laughing at the image in my head of women walking around the street with tampons shoved in their mouths. I can just see it now. A husband comes home to see his wife, with her back turned from him, sobbing on the couch. Alarmed, he moves to her and says, “Sweetie, what’s wrong?” As she turns around, he sees the tampons and grows solemn. “Ohhhh.” he says knowingly, and pats her on the back.

Questions that could keep me up at night

What if it’s not “meant to be”?

What if I’m not meant to be someone’s mommy? What if I’m destined to forever be “Aunt Natalie” to my family’s babies, my friends’ babies? That I’m meant to watch my girlfriends become mothers, watch the love light up their eyes while they hold their newborn babies, while I am standing aside, wanting for nothing more but to be in their shoes? What if I’m not meant to feel baby kicks, baby moves; what if my belly isn’t destined to swell and grow as my little one does?

What if I’m destined to forever wander through the aisles of baby clothes, gazing longingly, wishing and hoping for a day that will never come? What if I am meant for nothing more than staring at a pregnant woman’s belly, and feeling empty inside?

What if this love I feel inside of me, love that’s meant for my baby, is meant to go unheard; unfelt?

What if I miscarry, one baby after another, until I am so broken inside that I simply cannot do it any more?

What if it’s just not in the cards for me?

I just don’t know what I’d do.

You can say, “it’s meant to be”, but in the end, no one knows that. No one.
You can say “just give it to God”, but for one, I’m not religious and for two, I don’t want to. That doesn’t help me. I don’t like not having control over the things that I want, that I need in my life.

Does every woman who struggles to conceive feel this way?