Questions that could keep me up at night

What if it’s not “meant to be”?

What if I’m not meant to be someone’s mommy? What if I’m destined to forever be “Aunt Natalie” to my family’s babies, my friends’ babies? That I’m meant to watch my girlfriends become mothers, watch the love light up their eyes while they hold their newborn babies, while I am standing aside, wanting for nothing more but to be in their shoes? What if I’m not meant to feel baby kicks, baby moves; what if my belly isn’t destined to swell and grow as my little one does?

What if I’m destined to forever wander through the aisles of baby clothes, gazing longingly, wishing and hoping for a day that will never come? What if I am meant for nothing more than staring at a pregnant woman’s belly, and feeling empty inside?

What if this love I feel inside of me, love that’s meant for my baby, is meant to go unheard; unfelt?

What if I miscarry, one baby after another, until I am so broken inside that I simply cannot do it any more?

What if it’s just not in the cards for me?

I just don’t know what I’d do.

You can say, “it’s meant to be”, but in the end, no one knows that. No one.
You can say “just give it to God”, but for one, I’m not religious and for two, I don’t want to. That doesn’t help me. I don’t like not having control over the things that I want, that I need in my life.

Does every woman who struggles to conceive feel this way?


  1. {{HUGS}} I have had those thoughts too, and I don't know that I could even call my situation a struggle! Every once in a while I wonder myself, "what will I do if it's not meant to be??" {{HUGS}} Keep your chin up!

  2. Worrybook says:

    I certainly felt that way each month that it didn't happen. I was sure I was going to have to adopt and wasn't sure if I could. I know how desperate things can get and in the end it only took me 6 months to get pregnant. Maybe that's all it will take you too. I sure hope so. I know how awful those feelings of despair are. As far as miscarrying again, that is a fear that never goes away. At least not for me. Good luck to you. Try and think of the big picture. It is likely you will get knocked up soon and it's likely you will carry that baby to term. I couldn't see the big picture when I was trying. I worried too much. Easy for me to say now though. Hugs to you.What's weird is that someone else at my work just announced that they are pregnant too and I am still JEALOUS. It only took them like 3 months. I still don't feel like I am pregnant. And I still look at pregnant women's tummies with envy. It doesn't ever really disappear.

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