It’s hard to believe that this time last year, I was pregnant. I didn’t know yet that I was pregnant, but I was. I was starting to feel a little wonky and off, like something was up. *sighs*

It’s hard, sometimes, to remember back to a year ago and think on how wonderful a time it was. To find out we were pregnant, to be on cloud nine for three weeks and then to go through the most horrible experience of my life thus far.

Here I am, almost a year since the loss of our baby and I’m still not pregnant. I never dreamed that I would be in this situation. This time last year, I figured I’d either be holding a newborn, or on my way to being a mommy. I never imagined that I would have lost my beloved little one… Never would have thought that my desire to be a mommy would still be unfulfilled.

Oh, well. I guess I just have to take what I’m given; deal with what I’m dealt. Life isn’t fair, it doesn’t make sense sometimes, and there’s nothing we can do but try our best to cope.. Even if we don’t understand it.

Don’t touch me! I have fertile CM!

It’s weird to “not” be trying after having “baby brain” for a year. As I’ve mentioned before, we’re holding off on trying until after I can get my wisdom teeth cut out.

I was using the potty yesterday, and noticed some EWCM when I wiped. There’s more today, and every time I see it I’m thinking, “Damn. What a shame to waste all of this nice, fertile CM!”

Ah, well. We’ll be back to it in no time. I’m trying to make the best of our down time; I’m drinking a cup of coffee now and then without fear, enjoying a beer when I want, etc. I’ll be able to indulge in wine at Christmas if it’s offered to me, so that’s nice.

Everything happens for a reason

So, they say that everything happens for a reason. I do believe that, even if sometimes the reason is really hard to see. Sometimes I wonder if maybe it even takes months or years to see. When we lost the baby, I had a really hard time believing that. Why would that happen? I understand that the baby died because there was something wrong with it, but why even let that baby start if he wasn’t meant for this world? Why would I have to go through that pain?

The reason still isn’t clear to me. It may take a long time before it becomes clear to me.

Then there’s the fact that we’ve been trying again to get pregnant since June. It’s been almost a half a year since we’ve started trying again, and still no baby. Why? I ask myself this every month when my period shows. Why is it so hard for us?

Well, I think I have my answer. My wisdom teeth have been giving me problems for a few years now. It happens in waves; the lower right one will try and come through, my gums will hurt, it’s hard to chew, I’ll think about going to the dentist and then it stops hurting and isn’t a problem anymore. A few weeks or months will pass, and the same thing will happen. Last week it happened again, only this time it started to make my jaw hurt. I looked in the mirror and saw how my gum was split from the tooth trying to come in; and I finally decided to do something about my teeth. I called a dentist that my boss recommended to me, and made an appointment for tomorrow to get looked at. After I got off the phone, something occured to me: What if this is the reason that we haven’t gotten pregnant yet? I got to thinking. If we had gotten pregnant anytime between June and now, and my wisdom teeth started acting up like this, I wouldn’t have been able to do anything about it. I couldn’t have them out, because you can’t have anesthetic like that when you’re pregnant. What if they had gotten worse, gotten infected, I’d have gotten sick, etc. I feel silly saying this, but it’s like our baby knows this and is just waiting and waiting, saying, “Mom, I know that you’re ready for me, but you have got to take care of your body before I can come.”

So we are putting off TTC until we see what’s going on with my teeth. If I have to have them taken out, it won’t be until the New Year. I would like to get the procedure done on a Friday so I have the weekend to recover, and my weekends are full of stuff that I can’t cancel until after the New Year. I’m sad that we won’t be pregnant for Christmas, but I’m really hoping for better luck in the New Year.

Another thing that I realized, is that by the time we’re ready to try again, it will probably be late January/February. That means I wouldn’t be due until Sept/Oct, and that’s only if we got pregnant again right away. And THAT means that I would have brand new vacation time at work that I could take for maternity leave! Our vacation time expires at the end of September every year, and we have to decide early on what days we want to take throughout the next fiscal year. I’ve already chosen mine for this year because we weren’t pregnant yet, so I had to write some down and choose days. But if we get pregnant in the New Year, I’ll know when I’d need to take time off and can choose it as soon as my new days become available!

So there we have it. I feel like I have a little bit of peace and explanation as to why we haven’t been successful in getting pregnant yet. It may sound silly, but it helps me cope with it a little bit.

So off to the dentist I go tomorrow, and we’ll see where we stand from there.

In other news

In other news, I passed my audition for the Sweet Adelines last Tuesday. Obama won the Presidency that night, as you all already know, which was extremely exciting. Last Wednesday was a very good day for me. I was in high spirits all day, partially because I passed my audition and partially because I felt so good about our new President-Elect.

Over the weekend, I attended a retreat with my new chorus sisters, and it was a really great and wonderful experience. We worked hard all day with a vocal coach, and we played hard that night. We shared a bonfire with an Episcopalian men’s chorus that were at the retreat the same time we were. Myself, and two other girls around my age Stephanie and Christina stuck together most of the evening. The three of us sang around the bonfire, in three-part harmony. I don’t think I can describe the excitement and happiness I feel now that I have friends that I can sing with. Music has always been a very big part of my life, and having girlfriends that I can share that with is amazing.

The ladies in the chorus officially voted me in on Saturday, and when I came back into the room after the voting was over, they were lined up and began singing a welcoming song to me while they took turns giving me hugs. It was a really special, and quite overwhelming experience!

Last night was the Coldplay concert. It was a really good show. Our seats were really, really terrible, and I find myself a little disappointed that I didn’t spend more money for better seats. I felt really detached from the whole experience of the concert. Even though I screamed my lungs out, and still got to see the band, I have been feeling really wistful all day, wishing I’d had better seats. I made a vow to myself that if I ever get the chance to see them again, I will splurge for better seats.

I’ve found a website that I have become a little addicted to, thanks to my friend Ryan. He’s been writing on a website called Helium for a while now. It’s a website for writers; you can find subject matters that you are passionate about, or are educated in, and write articles. From there, people vote on how helpful, relevant, or well-liked the article is, and your article is ranked. People can actually buy your article from that website; my friend just had his first article bought the other day.

I have written two articles thus far; one on the argument of going to see a movie in the theatre vs. renting one at home. There are 56 articles written on my side of the argument (that theatre is better), and yesterday my article was ranked #29. Today when I logged in, my article was ranked #4. #4!!!!!! Do you know how exciting that is? The other article I wrote was about life after a miscarriage. Yesterday it was #5 out of 5, and today, it is #1. I’m hooked on this website. The subject matters are literally everything from how to get grass stains out of a sweater, to debates on the war in Iraq. I’m really proud of my two little articles thus far, even if they aren’t the most groundbreaking pieces of work ever written.

Anyway, that’s what’s been going on lately. I’m through with the TTC heartbreak. I can’t do it anymore, I’ve been so obsessive for so long and it hasn’t yielded results, so maybe a more carefree approach will help. We’re still going to BD as much as we can around O time, but I’m through with everything else. When it’s my time to be a mommy, it will happen. I just have to take a deep breath, be patient, and let go.

No dice

AF is here. She came sneakily in the night, like a ninja.

We’re now on to cycle #7. I’m disappointed, but not devastated like I was last month. I’m done stressing, I’m done driving myself crazy with this TTC business. This is supposed to be something natural, happy, and I’m done feeling sad and crazy about making a baby. I am going to try and just enjoy my husband, of course we want to make love as much as possible around O time, but I am just done with all of the charting, temping, etc. I’ve been doing it for 6 months and haven’t had any luck, so maybe it’s time to try something different.

2WW? 1WW? Who knows?

Not me! I’ve been trying to not pay attention to anything having to do with TTC this month, and so far it’s working pretty well. I’m not sure when I ovulated. I have a ballpark estimate as to when, but I have no idea when I actually did. DH and I BD’ed every other day around what I think was O time, so I’m hoping for the best. Once again, I’m not over-analyzing my body, what it’s doing, etc. My boobs started getting sore yesterday, specifically my nipples which is nothing new.

I think I’m more or less done with the craziness of TTC. I’ve been visiting my TTC board less and less, and while I love the girls there, the obsessing, the analyzing every little thing my body does, is not good for me, and it drives me nuts. I’m going to try and take a “I know when I’m supposed to ovulate, let’s have sex as much as we feel like it and see what happens” approach. Don’t get me wrong. I want so badly to be pregnant. But 6 months of feverishly temping, checking my CM and CP, BDing around the right time haven’t shown me any success, so maybe a more laid-back approach will.

I think that my period is due next Tuesday or Wednesday. I hope that if AF is going to show, that she doesn’t choose to do it Tuesday because next Tuesday is the COLDPLAY CONCERT! It’d be a drag to be on day 1 of my cycle during the much anticipated event. Seriously, I bought tickets in JUNE! I’ve been waiting since then for this and I am so excited.

Tomorrow I’m auditioning for my local chapter of the Sweet Adelines. If you don’t know what the Sweet Adelines are (I didn’t before I started going to rehearsals) it’s an international organization of women who sing in 4 part barbershop harmony. Yep, barbershop quartets aren’t just for men! There are individual chapters all around the world. There are choruses, and then members of that chorus can decide to form their own quartets to sing with on the side. I’ve been going to rehearsals since late September, and I am finally auditioning to become a full-fledged member TOMORROW!!!!! I’m so excited and nervous. I’ll be singing a song called “Is It True What They Say About Dixie”. It’s a beautiful song. I sing baritone. I really hope I make it.

Providing that I make the chorus (which pretty much everyone who is in the chorus has told me that I’m a shoe-in), I’ll be attending a retreat with them this weekend about an hour away. It’s an overnight thing; we’ll leave Saturday morning and stay through Sunday. It’s like a vocal workshop; we’ll get to learn new exercises and tips and receive training and whatnot. I’m looking forward to it.

I voted for the very first time last Wednesday. It’s hard to believe that this time next week we’ll have a brand new president! He won’t be in office yet, but we’ll have elected a new one!