Bizarro Mommy Boots

Okay, so I’m about to right-wing bash juuuust a little bit. Really, I’m just making fun of conservatives. I have conservative friends that I’m down with, so if you think this might get your panties in a ruffle, you can move along now.

I was driving to work the other day and I laid eyes on someone who I am fairly certain is Bizarro me. You know, like Bizarro Superman? Bizarro is the complete opposite of Superman in every way. If you want to get technical, I think he’s some kind of clone-gone-wrong. Or something.  My husband is going to divorce me if I have messed this up, because he’s in love with Superman and all his Supermany goodness.

Okay so anyway, I encountered Opposite Me. I was driving and I saw a black Land Rover to my right and slightly ahead. For one, I wouldn’t drive a Land Rover because they’re fucking expensive as hell and they get like, 5 MPG. Strike #1. As I was getting closer to her I noticed she had several bumper stickers on the back of her car. Strike #2. My husband convinced me that bumper stickers are a bad idea, because they eventually fade and look gross. We put magnets on the back of our car if we want to advertise an interest or cause, so we can take it off when it gets crackly and old.
I got closer to the vehicle and saw the first sticker:

“I’ve been Hannitized”
I can only assume the person was referring to Sean Hannity, the conservative idiot radio and television host, author, and political commentator. I didn’t know much about Hannity until I Wiki’d his name for the purpose of this post, but now I know that he told a lesbian caller “I feel sorry for your child”. Awesome. My kind of douchebag. Okay, so Strike #3. Hannity sucks.

The next sticker had a cartoon picture of a cheerful man holding a cup of coffee and saying, “Hey Obama! How about a nice cup of ‘shut the hell up?’!”
Strike #4. I heart Obama and think he’s the bees’ knees.

I slowed down a little more so I could glance at the other bumper stickers on the back of her car and I saw two more:
“Impeach the Tyrant!”
(Strike #5)
Um, of which tyrant are you speaking? Do you even know what the definition of a tyrant is?

and the final one and my personal favorite:
“I drive like a Cullen.”

I started laughing hysterically like an idiot. It’s no secret that I think Twilight is ridiculous in every way, shape, or form. I’ve read all the books and I sincerely think that they made my IQ drop no less than 15 points.
I accelerated so I could see the driver of this Eco-Friendly, Liberal Fun Machine and saw a middle-aged woman with sunglasses and a low ponytail driving.

And texting.

Awesome. The ONLY thing that could have possibly made this woman MORE unlike myself is a Sarah Palin bumper sticker, and one that said “Marriage = (male stick figure + female stick figure)”. That one makes me want to pull out a stick of lipstick or something and just write


In big, fat letters all over the person’s car.

So that was my encounter with Bizarro Mommy Boots. A Rover-driving, Hannity-loving, Obama-hating, Twilight fan.I should find her and ask her out for coffee. I bet our conversation would make an excellent blog post.

I mean no offense to any of my friends who may fit the description of Bizarro Mommy Boots. Like I said, I have conservative friends. And I make fun of them, with love. And you have to admit, Twilight is a little ridiculous, ya’ll.