Feed Your Inner Rock Star (Pizza)

Do you order pizza?

Sure you do. Everyone loves pizza. Even when it’s bad pizza, pizza is still good. Unless there’s something weird on it, like pineapple & ham or anchovies. Then it is lame and gross. So I lied, not all pizza is good.

Aaaaanyway. Have you discovered the absolute joy, glee, and convenience of ordering pizza online? I have a weird anxiety about talking to people on the phone (and in person, but that’s a story for another post) so I mostly order pizza online. It began with Papa John’s but now Domino’s does it, too. I love ordering pizza online. It’s easy, quick, and I don’t have to talk to a single person.

Two weeks ago, my coworker R and I decided we wanted to split a pizza. I jumped online and ordered a delicious creation known as the Pacific Veggie pizza. This delightful pie has such marvelous ingredients as feta cheese, red peppers, black olives, onions, mushrooms, and unicorn tears.

I ordered our magical unicorn pizza online and once my order was confirmed, it took me to the Online Pizza Tracker and my excitement was amplified tenfold. Have you had the pleasure of tracking YOUR pizza online yet?


From the second your order is submitted, the Pizza Tracker informs you EXACTLY WHAT IS HAPPENING WITH YOUR PIZZA. It tells you when it was put in the oven, and by whom. Then it tells you when it was taken out, when it was being topped, and finally who it was being delivered by and what time they left.

Exciting, yes? IT GETS EVEN BETTER.

They now have THEMES from which you can choose. I chose the “rock star” theme, or some shit like that and ooh’ed and ahh’ed over the layout of my Pizza Tracker. I opened up a new tab on my Firefox browser and continued on with my work, when all of a sudden I hear someone scream at me from my computer,

And I screamed like a sissy girl because it scared the holy living shitballs out of me. I quickly realized it was coming from my Pizza Tracker and when I clicked on the tracker sure enough, it was informing me that my pizza was in the OVVAAAHHNN. I minimized the window again and resumed my work. I began hearing random explosions and sizzling noises coming from my speakers. Like any sane person would do, I immediately thought that my speakers were catching fire and would burn my entire office and everyone in it. Alarmed, I examined them and realized that, again.. Pizza Tracker. It’s lucky there’s no fire extinguisher nearby because my desk probably would have been covered in a white, foamy, mess(THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID! HA!).

Each time the Tracker would reach a new status (YOUR PIZZA’S OUT OF THE OVAAAAHNNN YEEEAAHH) it would scream at me and make explosion noises. In between the pizza going from being prepped, to the oven, to out of the oven my speakers would emit random hissing and sizzling noises.

I’d like to say that the experience was made of awesome but really, it just kind of freaked me out and made me wonder why I was being screamed at about the status of my feta cheese-covered fairy pizza.

There are other themes to choose from. I think one of them had a man and woman embracing so god only knows WHAT kind of sounds will come from THAT one.