Losing Green Bean – 3 Years Later

On this day 3 years ago, I had already received the news from my doctor.

It could just be cramping and bleeding but unfortunately, it sounds like the beginning stages of a miscarriage.

Miscarriage. That word echoed in my brain, bouncing off the walls of my skull until I thought it would shatter. The word I’d feared the entire 3 weeks of my pregnancy. And there it was, laid out before me.

On this day 3 years ago, my husband and I emerged from our apartment, our hearts heavy with what we knew was happening despite my doctor’s hopeful “could-be’s”. My bleeding was heavier and I was cramping. We made some phone calls and headed to Wal-Mart to get the makings for some comfort food: chili.

We came home. We slept. We cried. We gorged ourselves on chili. We watched some movies, the only one that I can remember being The Truman Show.

And then, later that evening, the actual loss. The moment I knew it was all over. The physical and emotional pain.

More tears. More pain. Three years ago today, we said goodbye.

And on this day, three years later I remember. I remember the little life, the little heart that beat inside me for such a short period of time. My little Green Bean. On this day, three years later, I have a child to hold and to love and I realize what a blessing this is. I cherish each day with my baby daughter, because I realize that things could have gone the same way with her that they did with Green Bean.. But they didn’t, and for that I am thankful.

But December 22nd will always hover over my head like a dark rain cloud. Each year the cloud gets a little smaller and the rain a little lighter, but I know that it will follow me until the end of my days. My baby daughter is the ray of sunshine peeking through that cloud, but it will remain with me always.

Rest in Peace, Green Bean. I loved you then, I love you now, and I will love you for always.