Your Fancy Period

If you are a woman, you know that having your period? It sucks. It sucks ass. It’s painful, it’s messy, and it makes you feel slightly homicidal. All of those ads that tell you to “have a happy period” and show women like, horseback riding and playing volleyballs and shit make you furious, don’t they? When I have my period, I want to sit on the couch and watch Steel Magnolias while shoveling enough chocolate to kill a large dog into my mouth. I sure as hell don’t want to ride a fucking horse and the only thing I want to hit a volleyball at? Pretty much anyone who speaks to me or looks at me funny.

So when I was browsing through the sale papers yesterday and came across this ad, I stopped in my tracks and laughed out loud. The geniuses in the feminine product business have come up with a brilliant way to make your period fun. Not just fun, but artistic and fabulous! Behold, the maxi pad that you can bleed on in style:

Please excuse the poor quality of this photo, it was taken in the throes of hysterical laughter with my cell phone.

So, observe the ad. It says that plain pads have their place in the history books, and has drawing of a pad; half of it plain white and the other half has a nifty purple swirly design. There’s a helpful addition, the word “boring!” with an arrow pointing at the plain white side.

Ladies, I don’t think I’m alone in saying that I can now breathe a sigh of relief. No longer do I have to shed my uterine lining on a plain, white maxi pad! No, now I can have my monthly visitor with flair and pizazz! Gone are the days of slapping a boring white cotton pad onto my panties! Finally, I can decorate my underwear with a fun design. Works of art, really. Beautiful swirls of purple, maybe blue, or gasp! Perhaps even a fun, girly shade of pink. Squee and flail!

AREN’T YOU THRILLED? We can finally giggle a little as we walk around with our little secret artwork in our undies! No one will ever know that not only are we on the rag, but we’re having fun with it by having it on a cutesy little swirl design! AHHHH IT’S SO WACKY AND FUN!

So, seriously, this is one of the dumbest fucking things I’ve ever seen in my life. A design on your pad? Are you fucking serious?  I’m sorry, but a little purple scrolly design isn’t going to take my mind off the fact that it feels like someone is grabbing my uterus and twisting it into a knot and I’m retaining so much water it feels like you could poke me with a pin and I’d leak. When I’m on my period, I want all the chocolate forever and an Ibuprofen. NOT AN ARTSY MAXI PAD. Call me crazy, but I know that I can’t be alone here.

So, Kotex, until you start including a big fat chocolate bar with each purchase of your whimsical pads, I will stick to my plain, ‘boring’ feminine hygiene products. Take your purple wackiness and GTFO.