My mom has been transferred to the hospice unit at the hospital here. This has all happened since this past Wednesday. On Christmas, I became my mother’s power of attorney and had to sign her admittance papers into the hospice unit.

This is the beginning of the end, and it still hasn’t all absorbed into my brain yet. It doesn’t feel real. Like this isn’t happening. Sometimes I can pretend it’s not, and forget about it until I push open those doors into the unit and am hit with the realization that this is it.

I have so many feelings I’m not even sure what they are. I feel numb a lot, which I guess is normal. I sometimes wonder if this would be easier or harder if she and I had had a good relationship instead of a bad one. In a way I think harder, because I would be affected more intensely on an emotional level but in a way I think easier, because the feelings I’m having wouldn’t be battling each other so heatedly. Sadness, grief, relief, anger, resentment are all vying for my emotional attention and it’s not in the normal stages of grief way. I have had a truly dysfunctional relationship with this woman, and now that her life is at an end I don’t know how to feel about it.

Yesterday was Christmas and I had an excellent morning with Nellie, Josh, my brother, Josh’s brother, and his parents opening presents but after that the dark cloud that is this whole fucked up situation descended on me and I was lost in the fog once again. I wanted to wring the neck of every goddamned Santa I saw. I wanted to hold up my “Hospice & You” folder in the face of everyone who cheerfully wished me a Merry Christmas and say, “NOPE.”

All I know is that this is beyond difficult and I’m just kind of here at this point. I’m not doing well, I’m not doing terribly, I am just sort of… Doing.