Don’t Show Me Your Homely Baby: Guest Blogger Cara

My third guest blogger for the week is Cara of BitchUJusMad. Best blog name ever? I think so. Cara is one of my newest bloggy friends and I’m happy to feature her here today. A word about this post: don’t read it if you’re easily offended, OR if you have ugly children. That is all.

It seems like every year in the late spring there is a flock of new children being pushed around in strollers or strung up in a Bjorn on an eager dad’s chest…but I have got to say this spring’s batch of babies has been the most visually unappealing group of children I’ve seen in a while. It used to be that when I would see new babies, I rarely had to choose my words carefully. Now it seems as if I have to bite my tongue every time someone shoves a kid in my face. What is really disturbing is that it seems like a lot of these new parents have fallen for the “every baby is beautiful” lie and have the utmost pride in little Alf Jr. I just want to tell people it’s ok to NOT show off your homely baby.

When I had my children, I wept. Mostly because a c-section is the most painful thing that has ever happened to me, but also because I thought that my twins would be born attractive. My husband is attractive. I think I am God’s Golden Brown Gift to the Earth (which is certainly debatable, but, that’s not the point) so why wouldn’t our offspring be instantly gorgeous? Well, as it turns out, amniotic fluid, baby acne, discoloration, and low birth weight all played their part, and my highly anticipated infant twins came out looking like almost totally hairless, pale gremlins. And I don’t mean the cute gremlins, I mean the angry ones. When I discovered this flaw in my genetic pool, I did what I thought any self respecting mother would: I utilized clever camera angles for minimal Facebook pictures, and didn’t hand out their birth announcements. Call me superficial, but I wanted to make sure they had time to “cuten up” before I showed them off. Fortunately for me, my ego, and the Target Portrait Studio, they did. Around 3 months old, the twins were adorable.

Every baby isn’t as lucky though, and I will be the first to firmly say out loud…or type in capital letters and bold font: EVERY BABY IS NOT A CUTE BABY. Especially this seasons babies. Yes season. I am referring to newborns in my area like a line of fashion or beauty products. Anyway, just because your baby isn’t attractive doesn’t mean that it isn’t special. Regardless of facial features, every baby is certainly cuddly and smells good thanks to various baby products. Also, couples with unattractive babies are just as happy as couples with those insanely Gerber-cute babies. I know from experience. Not showing off your funny looking baby doesn’t lessen your new parent pride. You can still have clever statuses about the fulfilling woes of new parenthood via every possible social network. You just don’t need to add a picture of the not quite adorable baby that goes along with the clever status. You can even quietly claim to want privacy in this new area of your life, you know?

Is it too much to ask that those couples blessed with less cute bundles be a little more considerate to other people who don’t *have to* love their child? I don’t want to have to lie to you, Excited-New-Mom-at-the-Playground. I really don’t. I don’t want to have to awkwardly compliment New-Weird-Looking-Baby’s clothes, or point out how “tiny” he or she is. Duh Captain Obvious. All babies are generally tiny. Now I look like the d-bag who didn’t call your new kid cute. But you KNOW that kid isn’t cute. Why would you confront me like that and force me to feel sad about your misfortune? That has to be some kind of weird, reverse Munchausen by proxy, right?

This past weekend was really tough because it was a holiday weekend. I went to 3 different backyard barbecues and saw like 35 babies that could have stayed under hats or blankets for the day. Instead eager, denial ridden parents passed their offspring around and talked about how adorable their kids were, as party goers gazed upon the homely babies with looks of confusion, despair, and in some cases, utter pity. Ok, maybe I made those emotions up, because most people have no problem lying about funny looking babies. I can’t live this way, though. So please, guys…stop showing off your unattractive babies. Just wait until they grow into that nose, or forehead, or entire facial structure, ok? Deal.

About the writer: Cara is a 28 year old abrasively honest SAHM living in Annapolis, Maryland with her husband and (fortunately) ridiculously adorable 4 year old twins. New to the blogging world Cara splits her time between writing, and doing a bunch of other things, except for knitting. Cara hates knitting.