Potty Training SUCKS. Know What Doesn’t? VODKA.

A few months ago I wrote this post about potty training Nellie. I bitched and moaned about how frustrating it was, wondered aloud if it was too soon and if we should just wait, and called Llama Llama an asshole. Because he kind of is one.

At the time of that post, we had really only scratched the surface with potty training. Little did I know how frustrating it would become once we jumped right in and committed to getting it done. Let me tell you this now: Potty training is,  hands-down, THE most frustrating I’ve ever had to deal with as a parent. Like, WORST. EVER. My kid is stubborn (don’t know where she gets it), a little sensitive, and cute as shit so it’s hard to stay annoyed. And also you don’t WANT to be annoyed at them with this, because making potty training a negative experience will most likely make them fail at everything forever in life and during their graduation speech they will be like WELL I COULD HAVE BEEN VALEDICTORIAN, BUT MY MOM LOOKED AT ME FUNNY ONE TIME WHEN I WAS POTTY TRAINING AND I’VE NEVER BEEN THE SAME SINCE.

Parenthood: You will fuck up, guaranteed. Have fun!

I wish I had some wise or clever tips for how we got Nellie pee-trained but I don’t have anything for you. One day after constant accidents and meltdowns over just sitting on the toilet, we sent her to school in panties and BAM. No more accidents. She just up and decided she could pee in the toilet. Yay! Parade! GIVE ME SOME DAMN CANDY. I don’t know why I thought this would be any different than any other milestone in her life. She has ALWAYS done things HER way, when she was damn well ready.

She’s had one regression that lasted about three days which prompted a visit to the doctor’s office to make sure she didn’t have a UTI or anything like that. During the regression she pissed all over my in-laws’ rug, which was really a bummer because that rug really tied the room together.

We are still struggling with poop training. She went once yesterday and I cheered and clapped like a drunk cheerleader at a pep rally.  We haven’t even attempted nighttime training yet. As for me? Well, I have seen new and exciting bathrooms that I’ve never visited before thanks to my toddler’s new skill. We patronized the bathroom to the local T.G.I.Friday’s three times in one visit the other night. Three! I haven’t gone to a public restroom that frequently since my days of getting super drunk and vomiting in public restrooms at family restaurants. Fun times.

If I could give one piece of advice to parents of potty-training toddlers, it would be this:

Give up all sense that you are in control here, because you aren’t. They will piss and poop on that damn thing when they are good and ready. In the meantime, buy them lots of candy and stickers, get ready to dance and clap and squeal like a crazy person when they DO make it in the potty, buy yourself some vodka, and have a seat on the floor of your bathroom because you’re probably going to be there for a while.




  1. Girl, you are so hella funny. But in all seriousness, the only stages I have heard parents complain about other than the potty training stage is the tween, and nippy at its heels, the teen phase. Good Lord, I would run screaming in the streets if I had to contend with any of these phases. Oh, who am I kidding?. I’m from the islands. I’d do what my mother and her mother and perhaps her mother before has done for everything. Put the fear of God and whatever else — without a fear of them failing forever — in you making you potty trained by your 2nd birthday and a not a minute after.
    Brainy Pint Sizer recently posted..Wanted: Exercise Buddy…Food Police…Hypnotist…Sensei…(Surely, I am not asking for too much.)

  2. I’m jealous. And like I said in my post on Friday, I m taking a break. Because it sucks.

  3. I don’t get it….. she pee’s for me

  4. If it makes you feel any better, I frequently go to the restroom three times in a visit to a restaurant. And I don’t even drink. I am not kidding. Not at all. Maybe I should start visiting restaurants with you so that Nellie and I can visit the restroom together.

    By the way, I love her name. My middle name is Nelle. It’s not a name I encounter often so I am endeared when I do :)

  5. Love the post, and although I’d love to have a little girl… I sure am glad I have a boy. We let him pee off the porch a few times and then told him to take it inside. It was a breeze. Now, if I ever get that girl… I’m sure I’ll be singing your tune.

    Jackie @

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