I Will Unfollow You on Instagram.

Fresh on the heels of my “I Will Unfriend you on Facebook” post, I was scrolling through my Instagram feed and was inspired to write yet another stabby ranty FULL OF RAGE post about how to get unfollowed on Instagram.

Instagram is an interesting social media platform. It’s where you can go to feel better about the photos you take, thanks to the handy filters they let you apply to the photos. Does that selfie you just took of yourself make it look like you haven’t slept in a week (because you have children and YOU HAVEN’T SLEPT IN A WEEK?) no worries – Earlybird is here to the rescue. Do you need to make that beer bottle look extra cool and edgy? Slap a little Lo-Fi on it and you’re good to go.

Anyway, Instagram is awesome but there are those out there who just don’t seem to get it. Here are the easiest ways to get yourself ditched from my feed forever.

Be a Selfie Whore. I get it. You like your face. And your hair. And your makeup. And taking shots of half your face to show your inner angst, or what the fuck ever. If 75% of your Instagram photos are OF YOUR FACE, I will fucking unfollow you. I KNOW what you look like by now, because every third picture I scroll past IS OF YOU. Post a picture of that cool building you saw on your walk, that angry duck you thought about feeding but didn’t for fear of your life, or a cute shot of your kid running from the duck as it got angry at the lack of bread – but for fuck’s sake, don’t post four pictures of you before, during, and after said walk. UNFOLLOW.

Spam My Feed. I follow about 200 people on Instagram but sometimes, you wouldn’t know it, because there are a few folks who will post about ten photos IN A ROW. Photo 1: selfie. Photo 2: selfie, different angle. Photo 3: daughter. Photo 4: daughter, different angle, duck face (DIE), and peace sign fingers. Photo 5: screencap of text with best friend. Photo 6: blurry Facetime screencap with daughter with duckface (DIE) and peace sign fingers. ONE RIGHT AFTER THE OTHER. OH, MY, GOD. SERIOUSLY. STOP WITH THE PHOTOS! This is NOT what Instagram is for! Give other people the chance to post pictures on my feed for crying out loud. I NEED TO KNOW WHAT MY FRIENDS ARE EATING, AND YOUR DUCKFACES ARE CLOGGING EVERYTHING UP. UNFOLLOW.

Post Photos You Didn’t Take. Forgive me if I’m wrong, but isn’t Instagram for sharing photos that you took with your own camera? I don’t need to see that meme of Grumpy Cate with the Mayfair filter applied to it. HE’S STILL GRUMPY. If you want to share memes, use Facebook. Or Twitter. Or Pinterest. NOT INSTAGRAM. Instagram is for posting photos and then feeling absolutely horrible about yourself & your creative abilities if you get less than 15 likes. UNFOLLOW.

Make Your Life Seem Like You Eat Rainbows for Breakfast and Have a Pet Unicorn that Gives You Unlimited Luck and Fortune. I am all for positivity. I love happy pictures, cute kids, running puppies, and all that jazz. But if every single one of your photos is cutesy and saccharine and accompanied by “LUV THIS KID” or “SO BLESSED!” captions to the point where it makes me want to vomit uncontrollably into a plastic bag, UNFOLLOW. No one’s life is that perfect and happy – NO ONE. Not saying you have to air dirty laundry in public, gripe about your life, or anything like that but come on. Show me something real. Not something fake because you’re afraid of being judged for having like, three glasses of wine after your 3 year old dumps shampoo on your EVERYTHING. No judgments here – I am drinking a glass of wine right now.  UNFOLLOW.

Post Nothing But Pictures of Your Child/Dog/Cat/Hair/Necklaces/Feet/Eyeballs. VARIETY IS THE SPICE OF LIFE. Do you want to eat plain oatmeal every day? NO YOU FUCKING DON’T. Neither do I. Throw some cinnamon in that oatmeal and by oatmeal, I mean your Instagram feed. Take a photo of that cool ass flower you saw! Snap a picture of your froyo. Catch your kid on camera doing something cute. But for the love of God, stop posting the same shit over and over again. No one cares that much about your shoes or eyeballs except for you. I don’t follow you so I can look at picture after picture of your necklaces and feet. I follow you because I’m a fucking crazy person who likes to look into the lives of other people and so far, your life is your cat, a necklace, an eyeball and YOUR GODDAMN TOES. You are the most boring person to stalk ever and I’m going to go hide in someone else’s bushes now.

Post Phots of Gross Things. I will unfollow you on Instagram if you post pictures of: Dead pets. Chicken feet. Open wounds. Infected shit. Animal tongues that you’re planning on eating. Your teeth. Your toenails (unless they’re painted and cute). Dog slobber. A closeup of your sweaty-ass face. Spiders of ANY KIND.
SERIOUSLY, PEOPLE. ALL OF THAT SHIT IS GROSS. Instagram your food AFTER it’s cooked. Take pictures of your pets WHILE THEY ARE STILL BREATHING. I don’t need to see that time you chopped your damn finger off and had to get eleventy million stitches. And your teeth? I HAVE TEETH. THEY LIVE IN MY HEAD,  AND THAT MEANS I  DON’T NEED TO SEE YOURS.
By the way, all of the items mentioned above are actual photos I have seen in my Instagram feed. UNFOLLOW.

Do you have an Instagram? What are your biggest pet peeves?