BHB Guest Post #2: Allie

For my next BHB guest post, I give you Allie. Allie blogs over at The Baby Birthing Mama.

Anyway, I told Allie to give me her funniest pregnancy story, and she then wrote me a tale about her ass bleeding.



When I got pregnant with my first child I was a mere 17 years old. Pretty young for a parent to be. As a pregnant young woman I had no idea about ANYTHING related to pregnancy. I was clueless….And lets just say my doctor wasn’t forth coming on pregnancy related side effects.

Lets face it, everybody poops. And as a preggo constipation can be HORRENDOUS! I mean truly miserable. As I said before I had not clue of the side effects of pregnancy. One of the first ones I met was the oh so fabulous Hemorrhoids. Now hemorrhoids are a great thing if you love being in pain as you try to use the bathroom. But most people don’t.

This is where this story turns to the nitty gritty of hemorrhoid. The first time I ever had them they were terrible and made me cry like a baby. But I didn’t say a word.  Who talks about pooping to others? Certainly not this mother to be.

The second time it happened, again it hurt.(shocker) But this time I had the added bonus of busting one of those bad boys open. Of course I didn’t know until I was done using the rest room of the terrible event that just happened.

Now for a young mother to be, who was before 12 weeks, I was scared. I know you miscarry through you vagina and not you butt, but I have to say that was the first thing that came to mind. And then I remembered, you don’t birth through the booty so I was good there. After that first conclusion I had no clue what to think. All I could do was CRY and CRY and wonder what the hell was wrong with me. Was I dying??

Luckily I had an older sister, who had a child and I could ask what was up.  She could hear the tears in my voice and asked what was wrong. I said “When I poop it bleed and hurts and I don’t know what to do or what is wrong with me?!?!” Well my wise sister informed me of my other room mate that shared my body. The awesome and very generous expanded blood vessels in my ass.

Needless to say I felt like a complete idiot for crying over my butt. Although I was scared at first, I learned to eat my fiber! Its crazy that everyone always say to take your prenatal vitamins and watch out for that morning sickness, but nobody tells you you may bleed from your ass  and need LOTS of pads after birth! Preggos beware and eat you veggies!

BHB Guest Post #1: Beth

I have acquired a fantastic group of cyber-girlfriends that I simply call my Bitches. We’re so fabulous we piss glitter, and for that, you should be jealous. We are all hoping to meet up next year at BlogHer 2011, and when we do it’s going to be absolutely EPIC.

I decided that I wanted the Bitches on my blog, so I invited them to share their funniest story from either pregnancy or motherhood. My first Bitch is Beth from Me As A Mommy. Beth is mommy to M, and she’s also knocked up with TNB who is sporting a vagina. That means she’s a girl, for those of you who either just woke up and haven’t had coffee or aren’t very smart. Beth is very hilarious and witty, and once called me useless because I couldn’t solve an argument between her and her husband about the movie Inception.

This is Beth’s first guest post, and I’m hella excited to be the one to break her guest blog cherry. While she’s blogging here, I am blogging over there. So without further ado, I give you Beth!


So when Natalie asked me to guest post I was immediately nervous. I’ve never done something like this before. I kinda feel like I’m going into a stranger’s house and I don’t know if I should sit on the couch or stand awkwardly in the corner because the couch is just for show. But then she told me what my topic would be “Tell us about your funniest/most embarrassing moment as a Mom.” Once she said that, I knew that not only would I be sitting on her couch – but I’d also be the guest that takes off her shoes and puts her feet, stinky socks and all, up on the coffee table. So prepare yourself – you have been warned. (for the record my socks aren’t stinky – it’s just part of the image of just how comfortable and inappropriate I’m about to be)

I’m now a SAHM, but for the first 11 months of my son’s life I worked full time in IT. Part of my job was to work on trouble tickets with outside vendors. It was on one such occasion that I had my most embarrassing Mom moment.

The vendor asked me to run a diagnostic tool and send him the results file. I ran the tool, and totally forgot to take note of the file name, but did notice that it started with a bunch of numbers. Being the ever-genius I am, I went to the location, grabbed the first file that started with numbers and sent it off to him. A few days later I came into work to find an email “The file was deleted. Can you please send it again?” I went back through my email, and just forwarded the one I had originally sent.

About a week went by with no word from the vendor. Then finally, I got the following message: “The file you are sending me does not contain work-related information. Please run the diagnostic tool I sent you and email me the output from that tool.” I sat there confused. What does he mean it doesn’t contain work-related information? It’s his stupid program I’m running to create the file I’m sending!

It was at this point I decided it might finally be time to check out what file I was sending. I went through my sent mail, found the two emails I had sent him and almost fell out of my chair at work when I opened the attachment. Indeed, it was not work-related information. That’s for sure. Turns out I had sent him a sonogram picture of my son. Not just any sonogram picture though. The one where we found out it was a boy.

If you don’t get where I’m going with this… or if you don’t think that’s embarrassing enough allow me to describe exactly what I was sending him. A sonogram picture of my son’s penis. And I sent it twice. I should also mention that when we found out M would be a boy… there was no question. I refuse to post pictures of my son’s privates on the internet (even ones from when he was in the womb), so instead – I’ve put together a little drawing in paint so you can really understand exactly what I sent to this unsuspecting vendor.

He expected the log file from a script, and instead he got something like this (TWICE):

Nice of the sonogram tech to label it for us – as if there was a question as to what we were looking at???