And Then I Hit a Lexus.

The other day was MLK, Jr. day (duh) and so Nellie’s daycare was closed. No biggie. I had my in-laws lined up to watch her, but not until 8:30. Josh goes to work at 7, so I excitedly took my little one to a local breakfast place for a breakfast date… Just me and her. She enjoyed her crunchy bacon and milk out of her big girl cup  (Nellie would ask, “I hod him?” wanting to hold it herself.) and was a perfect little lady the whole time.

I had to park on a hill, with the front of my car facing upward. When we were leaving, there was a car parked both in front of me and behind me. I was nervous; I’m not so good at pulling off of hills so I was anxious about sliding into the car behind me. So I devised a plan in my head. I packed Nellie back into the car, climbed into the driver’s seat and I was ready.

I put the car in reverse and scooted back just a little bit to get some distance between myself and the car in front of me. I turned the wheel all the way over, ready to accelerate and zip out safely from behind the car in front of me, doing it quickly enough to not slide backward. I poised my foot, and pressed it down hard against the gas.

In a fraction of a second – which wasn’t enough time to do anything but think OH SHIT OH SHIT – I realized that my dumb ass hadn’t taken the car out of reverse. I went flying backward and slammed into the car parked behind me – a used Lexus.

Eyes wide, I stared in my rearview mirror. I glanced over at the restaurant, expecting to see a crowd of people pouring out to see what had just happened. I watched the doors for a few minutes.. Nothing. I started to freak out. I came thisclose to driving off. “They’ll never know,” I thought. “No one will EVER know who did this.”

I pulled to the other side of the road and saw the damage I had inflicted on the back of the other car. Trunk was caved in, rear lights smashed. I scrambled out of my car and assessed my bumper. Nothing. Nada. A few cosmetic smudges and scratches. EFF YEAH, FORD ESCAPE.

Still panicking slightly, I called the restaurant and told the woman who answered what had happened. I explained that I didn’t want to get out of the car because I had my daughter. When the woman hung up, I rolled my window down and started sobbing. I felt embarrassed, scared, and I was shaking. Nellie started chirping from the backseat, “Mama? Mama cwyin? Mama cwy? Mamaaaaaa.” I snorted and sobbed, “No honey, Mama’s fine. Mama is ok. Mama is just shaken up.”
“Mama say-ken up.” Nellie confirmed and then went about playing with her laptop.

The owner of the car came out and I burst into tears again. I apologized profusely and told them how dumb I felt. How awful. How embarrassed. The girl looked college-age and was ridiculously nice. She assured me that it was fine, she hit stuff all the time and had been in more wrecks than she could count. There happened to be an off-duty policeman there who patted me on the back and told me that’s what insurance was there for. I felt humiliated; I am twenty-eight years old, not some stupid seventeen year old kid who just got her license.

About a half hour later the police showed up, took his report, and that was it. I apologized again to the girl and she told me again that it was fine. Everyone was okay, it happens all the time, and I drove away sheepishly feeling like the biggest dummy on the planet.

It was a hell of a way to start the day. I am grateful that no one was in the car, and we weren’t going fast enough to really hurt anyone. You can bet your ass that I’ll never buy a Lexus though; that damn trunk crumpled like a paper cup when I backed into it. My hardy Ford Escape barely has a scratch on it.

How was YOUR Monday?

Clean Eating Update, Bachelorette Parties A.K.A, Life Lately.

Hey! So, I haven’t been around much lately. Sorry ‘bout that. There’s been a lot going on and I’m having internet issues, blah blah blah, etc. and so on.

So what’s been happening? Well, for one, I’m doing so-so with clean eating. It all started a few Friday nights ago with my best friend’s bachelorette party. Let’s just say that wine, buttery nipples (the shot, not actual nipples covered in butter though some of you weirdos may find that appealing), strawberry champagne and god knows what else aren’t exactly clean eating. Oh, and also, all of those things in a really short amount of time on a slightly empty stomach when you haven’t had any alcohol/sugar/processed foods in two weeks = being completely hammered before 9:30 and throwing up at the first bar you go to. I also told a random person on the street wearing a blue wig that I loved his/her wig (I don’t remember if it was a dude or a chick), I fell down at a karaoke bar, and remember being at each and every bar we went to (about 6) with the exception of one.. Which my best friend the bachelorette tells me that I was at. She told me about us going, sitting down for a while, and I have zero recollection of being there. Absolutely none. Fantastic.

I had a really great time, except the next day I was absolutely 100% useless and miserable. I managed to drag my ass to the zoo with my husband and child. It was free day which translated to everyone in the history of everything was there to stare at the damn monkeys and fat-ass raccoons, and it also meant that I almost vomited in all of the trashcans. 5 years ago, I guarantee I would have been slightly hungover but still functional, and I probably would have gone drinking that night also. I’m too old for this shit.

Our grocery budget has been tight the past few weeks, so I wasn’t able to buy all of the clean foods I’d like. I did okay eating leftovers from last week (YAY FOR FREEZING FOOD), but I’ve had more slips this week than I care to think about. I’m trying to focus on this week, and vow to do better moving forward. I can tell the difference. My body is feeling icky from the stuff I’ve been eating and I don’t like that.

So that’s how clean eating has gone. I’m trying to get my crap together with budgeting (weekly daycare expenses kind of threw a wrench in the system I’ve had all of my adult life and I’m still trying to adjust). I got my first issue of Clean Eating Magazine, and cannot wait to try some of the delicious-looking recipes in it! My best friend’s wedding is was a few weekends ago, and Nellie and I were both in it. We had a really great time and Nellie and her fellow flowergirl (and daughter of the bride and groom) were precious together.

So that’s what’s been going on lately. I’m not sure when I’ll be able to post regularly again, so my posts will probably be sporadic for a while. I do have some giveaways coming up soon as well as a few funny stories and hopefully some cute Halloween pictures. Nellie enjoyed her costume. We’ve been planning her 2nd birthday party, which blows my effing mind. She’s going to be two in a little over two months. Where does the time go?

Adios for now, friends. Keep it gangsta.





The Duck Pond

Here in town, there is a local spot that’s been dubbed “the Duck Pond”. It’s named “the Duck Pond” because there are lots of ducks. And also geese. Creative name, no?

The Duck Pond is located at a cemetery, which is appropriate, because I pretty much wanted to die when we went there the other day. We drove by it a few weeks ago and said to each other, “Hey! Let’s take Nellie and let her feed the ducks. Fun times for everyone. Yay!”

It seemed like such a good idea. I was looking forward to seeing my sweet little one experience feeding ducks for the first time! The other day, we grabbed an old loaf of bread, loaded her into the car and drove to the Duck Pond. We approached the parking area and I looked out the window to see at least fifteen geese and ducks waddling toward the car, eager to partake in our blood bread and it was around that time that I remembered that I am terrified of geese. We parked the car, Josh got Nellie out and I opened my car door and stepped out to find this motherfucker waddling toward me, eyes glinting with bloodlust, and it only made matters worse that he had face cancer, or the plague, or some shit:


Josh and Nellie had already walked through the sea of fowl to sit at a picnic table near the pond. Meanwhile, I screamed and jumped back into the car and slammed the door. Bravest. Ever. I watched my husband and daughter begin tossing bread to the swarm and felt myself hyperventilating. Why did I think this was a good idea? They could just go ahead and bury me in the cemetery just a few yards away, because these geese and cancer ducks were going to be the end of me right then and there. I saw Josh gesturing at me and I cracked the door open.

“Come on!” he shouted. “You’re missing it.” I pushed the car door open and tentatively slid out of the seat. The duck was still staring at me, inching his way forward with his mouth open. I shuffled away from him and he moved a few inches, still staring at me hungrily. Not wanting to miss the photos from Nellie’s first experience with ducks but also not wanting to run headfirst into the swarm I snapped a few pictures from a distance.

Eventually, with some encouragement from Josh, I made my way over to my husband and daughter. I sat down gingerly and kept alert for any geese or ducks that were trying to ambush me. I managed to take a few more pictures of Nellie feeding them, and blowing bubbles.


Despite my terror, Nellie had a good time. She didn’t really want down, and was content sitting in daddy’s lap and blowing bubbles while watching the ducks and geese waddle around and plot my demise.

I know, Nellie. I don’t trust them either.


Social Media Detox

I haven’t been blogging much lately. I haven’t been Tweeting much lately. I haven’t been on Facebook much lately. I opened my Google Reader this evening and screamed in terror at the number staring me in the face.

The Internet and I have been strangers lately. I don’t know if it’s the medication, or the fact that I’ve been busy but there’s been a shift in my life. Where I used to spend a lot of time online blogging, Tweeting, and chatting and feeling disconnected from my “real” life the opposite seems to be happening now. I’m not blogging every other day. I’m not obsessively checking my blog’s stats. I’m not eyeballing other witty bloggers and Tweeters with envy, wishing that I had their following and their traffic. I’m feeling very disconnected from the little Bloggy Bubble I’ve put myself in for the past year or so.

Okay don’t get me wrong, I still wish that I were as funny as The Bloggess pretty much every time I read one of her posts, and I do get a tad green with envy when I see someone with one million and forty comments on something they’ve written but I’m not obsessing over it anymore. I think that I’m done. I think that I’m done worrying, stressing, and trying to achieve something that I just don’t think I’m cut out for. For a while now, I’ve been envious of “bigger bloggers” and the opportunities they get. Followers. Sponsorships. Free products galore.. And my jealousy and envy have been making me feel inadequate as a person. I’ve felt like I can’t “run with the big dogs” so to speak. That I don’t have what it takes and it’s been hurting my self-esteem. Laugh if you will but it’s easy to feel rejected when you try your best at something you like to do and it doesn’t seem to be enough to get you where you thought you wanted to go.

And you know what? Maybe I don’t have what it takes. Maybe I would with a little more effort. And maybe, just maybe, I don’t care anymore. Don’t get me wrong; this post isn’t bashing bigger bloggers or those who gets  fabulous opportunities because it’s awesome that others are getting all that stuff, and they totally deserve it because they work their asses off to build their blogs… I just.. I’m not in that place anymore. Do I get a little bummed when I don’t get a lot of feedback on a post? Sure. But I’ve found myself stressing out a lot less about it and just blogging when I feel like I have something to say, a story to tell, an anecdote to share.

People began reading my blog for a reason. Whether it was because they thought I was funny, because they empathized with my story and where I was in life or because they just felt invested in my journey but I feel I’ve lost sight of myself in this blog. I know I’ve written posts similar to this one but I’ve just felt sort of a shift inside of myself and don’t really care if I’m popular anymore. The blogosphere can feel like a big popularity contest, complete with cliques and snobs and all of that high school bullshit. It’s easy to feel inferior and let that actually affect you as a person. I’m done with all of that. If you like me, you like me and if you don’t, you don’t.

Thank you to everyone who has been reading, and continues to read my words. The fact that you care about me, what’s going on in my life, or even the fact that you like reading my attempts to be humorous means a lot to me. Everyone likes to be heard and I’m no exception.. But if things are a little more quiet around here, don’t be surprised. It’s all good, I’m just waiting until I have something to say.

Not to say that I won’t still do the occasional review or giveaway, of course. When something cool comes along sometimes you just can’t resist.




Wednesday is going to be a hard day. Josh and I are attending the visitation for three young people who were killed in a car accident over this past weekend. One of the girls who died was Josh’s second cousin Emily. It was a senseless and tragic accident, and one that’s shaken up pretty much everyone in the family. Even those like me, who didn’t really know her at all.

I’ve only been around Emily two, maybe three times. I last saw her at Josh’s Nana’s funeral a month ago. She was only twenty-one years old.

I find myself obsessing over this accident. This is going to be the first visitation or funeral that I’ve been to where the deceased wasn’t an older person.. Where the death was unexpected as this is. I know that this isn’t about me.. Not even a little bit, but when situations like this happen so close to home you can’t help but wonder and worry. I just keep thinking about Emily’s mother and father. No parent should have to lose a child. I’ve been feeling clingy toward Nellie since the news broke to us on Saturday; almost to a panicky point sometimes. I was driving home the other day from work and was overcome with an urgent need to see her. To hold her. To breathe her in. I couldn’t get to her quickly enough.

These unexpected and senseless deaths have shaken me to my core. I guess it’s just because this is the first time I’ve had to deal with something so horrible and tragic so close to home and it’s really made me realize that we can lose those that we love dearly in the blink of an eye. Nothing is promised to us in the way of life and receiving another day is not something that is guaranteed. My heart is breaking for everyone in the family who knew her well.. For her sister, for her friends, for her mother and father. The worst part of it is that the other two people who were killed were her husband, and her cousin.

The thought of losing a child is beyond comprehension. I can’t think about it too much, or I will go insane.

Wednesday’s going to be hard. For everyone. Please keep my husband’s (our) family in your thoughts and prayers. Please hug the ones you love extra tight. Please tell someone that you love them, because tomorrow isn’t promised to any of us.