Things that Got My Goat This Week

I haven’t done a Goat-Getting post in a while. If you don’t know what all of this goat business is about, my friend Crunchy VT Mommy has a weekly (mostly weekly) thing where she bitches about shit that pissed her off. It’s fabulous and I love it even though I haven’t done it in a while. Here is what got my effing goat this week.

  1. The Stomach Flu: Technically, it got my goat (and my intestines) last week but whatever. The stomach flu can just go jump off an effing bridge. There is NO reason or call for it. NONE. WHATSOEVER. It exists purely to make humans miserable by causing them to simultaneously vomit and shit their brains out. Oh, and what’s worse is that it’s not technically a flu. It’s really more like an angry, vengeful tiger that goes into a bezerker rage and tears your bowels apart. Fuck you, Stomach Tiger.
  2. Ruby Tuesday: Mmmm. Salad bar. Delicious. I love Ruby Tuesday. Their succulent brown croutons (idk what they’re made of. I just know that they’re brown.) are to die for. Their new cheesy biscuits area little ridiculous because they’re approximately the size of a walnut, but whatever. You know what I don’t love? Restaurants that don’t have one of these:  In the bathroom. You know what restaurant doesn’t have one of those in the bathroom?
    RUBY FUCKING TUESDAY. I took Nellie in there the other day to check on her diaper and after spinning in a circle a few times looking for one I discovered THEY DON’T HAVE A CHANGING TABLE. This is not an old, outdated restaurant. This particular Ruby Tuesday was built about three years ago. WHAT THE HELL. JOIN THE 21ST CENTURY, RUBY TUESDAY. I need a place to change my kid’s ass. You know where I’m going to change it? On the nice, plush chair you have sitting in the corner. Have fun sitting where my kid’s bare ass was, other patrons!
  3. Old Navy: Old Navy, you have cute clothes. I love them. When I was skinny I used to shop at your store all the time. But Old Navy,  I’m not skinny anymore. I’m fat now. I wear a size 20. And you offer cute plus-sized clothes, that’s awesome! Oh, but wait. Do you know what’s not awesome? THE FACT THAT YOUR STORES DON’T CARRY THE CUTE PLUS-SIZED CLOTHES. Maybe some do, but none around here do. Do YOU know what it’s like trying to figure out if a certain shirt is going to look right on your lumpy, oddly-shaped mommy frame without trying it on first? No, you don’t Old Navy because you’re not a person. You’re a store. THAT’S NO EXCUSE. GET PLUS SIZED CLOTHES IN YOUR STORE SO I CAN SQUEEZE MY ASS INTO THEM BEFORE I BUY.
  4. Cherry Coke Zero: YOU SON OF A – oh wait. Cherry Coke Zero doesn’t get my goat at all. Cherry Coke Zero is actually delightful and full of win. Remember that whole “I’m not drinking soda anymore” thing I posted about a few weeks ago (just smile and nod)? Yeah, about that. Cherry Coke Zero, I wish I could quit you.

And that, friends, is what Got my Goat This Week. Now write what got YOUR goat, head on over to Crunchy VT Mommy and link up. NOW!

Things That Got My Goat This Week

If you don’t read Crunchy VT Mommy, you are missing out because every week she rants about things that pissed her off and it’s usually amazing and hysterical. She calls it “Things That Got My Goat This Week”, and she has now opened up a linky for all to participate and rant together!

CrunchyVTMommyClick the cute little goat button to be whisked away to her blog. BOY, that’s a cute button….

  1. My car door.
    My car door ate my leg today. I was getting into the back seat while waiting to pick up my husband, and the car door snuck shut and chomped on my leg, the sneaky motherfucker. I mean, could that be any more infuriating? Argh.
  2. My sinuses/throat/body
    After feeling kind of shitty for about a week, and having a sore throat so badly the past two days I can barely eat, my coworkers made me go to the Minute Clinic today. Diagnosis? Sinusitis. MY FAVORITE. At least now I have a reason that it feels like I’m swallowing razors that are on fire. 10 days of antibiotics should knock the sucker out.
  3. AMAZON.
    Do I really need to explain? If you missed my Amazon post, click here and behold the majesty.
  4. Heaters.
    I blame you fuckers for drying my sinuses out in the first place, which turned into sinusitis. IT’S YOUR FAULT.
  5. The weather.
    Hey, jackass. IT’S NOVEMBER. Not time for 70 degrees. Time for 50 degrees or lower. IT’S THE HOLIDAYS. GET THE MEMO.

And that’s what got my goat this week. Mmm. This was fun and cathartic. I think I’ll do it again next week.
Hope on over to Crunchy VT Mommy’s blog and link up what got YOUR goat!

P.S. I made it to the finals in The Bump’s Mom Blog Awards in the Misc. Category. Will you please vote for me? It’s unlimited voting, and there is ZERO sign-up required. Simply click the button and it will take you to a page where you vote for yours truly! Please with sprinkles?