Warm Holiday Wishes

Christmas is almost here. I am looking forward to seeing Nellie open her presents on Christmas morning. I wanted to go ahead and share what I’ve decided is this year’s Christmas card. I put it together a little late. The image is from Nellie’s daycare Christmas program and was taken during her class’s set of songs. From our family to yours……….




……………………………… Happy Holidays everybody!

How Am I Feeling?

How am I feeling?

I don’t know. I have had a few people ask, knowing that the first anniversary of my mom’s death is coming up on the 28th, and that this time last year I was unknowingly on the precipice of my world being thrown into chaos. I’m very conscious of the days ticking away and coming closer to the 21st, when I got the call that my mom was in the hospital and had coded. If I am being honest, I check the calendar every day and think about this time last year. How could I not? I was so full of anticipation last year for Christmas. I had grand plans. I was going to bake cookies with my daughter on Christmas Eve. We were going to have omelets Christmas morning and revel in our daughter opening gifts.

The world went to hell on the 21st and I lived in a haze of DNR paperwork, hospice conversations and horrible hospital coffee for the next week.  My holiday sucked. At the time I was pretty numb and was trying to find some good (“well, Nellie was adorable opening presents” was about all I could find) but looking back on it, it fucking sucked. It was the second Christmas in my life that was utterly terrible, the first being when we lost our first baby to miscarriage three days before Christmas.

It seems that three is the magic number for awful things happening in our family around Christmas; miscarriage three days before one year, the death of my mother three days after another.

I feel strange writing this considering everything that happened in Connecticut last week. I feel almost like I do not have the right to reflect and feel my conflicted feelings about my personal anniversary coming up. After all, I have my daughter. I did not have to rush to her school in a panic while wondering whether she survived a mass shooting. I tucked her in at night the evening of the 14th as I do each night.

As much as I feel conflicted about sharing my thoughts and feelings about this first anniversary, I also feel like I haven’t really processed or felt much about it and writing is my outlet. It’s how I cope, and how I deal with my feelings and thoughts sometimes.

So, how am I feeling?

I don’t know. I don’t think that I feel sad. I guess maybe I feel reflective? When I talk to people about this time last year I find myself feeling kind of fragile, like talking about it will make me relive the trauma and I will break into a thousand little pieces. I suspect that maybe my anxiety and feelings about it are manifesting in other ways; bad dreams, short temper at times, overeating.

I am feeling very enthusiastic about this Christmas despite everything. There is a pile of presents under the tree, I’ve already gotten my gift from my husband (a brand new laptop that is 100% MINE and mine alone – I know, right?) and absolutely cannot wait for my girl stumble out of bed with her wild, unruly hair and Christmas footie pajamas and tear into those presents with the wild abandon only a child at Christmas can have.

Right now I am feeling okay. Come the 21st I may sing a different tune, but tonight – right now, I am okay.

Dragons, Christmas, and American Horror Story

Good morning! It’s been a while since my last update where, in a Benadryl-induced half-stupor, I blogged about a dragon living in my throat.

I am happy to say that the dragon has been slain. A few days after I wrote that post I bit the bullet and went to a walk-in clinic, where they diagnosed me with a virus and an ear infection. They gave me antibiotics and sent me home. I am now at the tail end of my antibiotics and can safely say I never want to take them ever again. They’ve upset my stomach and made me nauseous for almost ten days straight. EFF. THAT.

What else is new? Nellie’s feeling much better, though she’s congested again. I’ve been trying to stay on top of it by keeping her on a decongestant. I hate to do that because I’m not thrilled with the idea of drugging her all the time, but I’m afraid if the mucous builds back up she’ll end up with another ear infection. INNER TURMOIL.

So Thanksgiving is next week, which blows my mind. It’s hard to believe that it’s that time of year again. I’ve been having a lot of mixed feelings about the upcoming holiday season. Considering what a hot mess last Christmas was, I am anxious about what sort of feelings and memories the sights and sounds of the holidays will bring back. In case you’re a relatively new reader, last Christmas my mother was admitted to the hospital on the 22nd of December. We had to admit her to hospice on Christmas Day. She was dead by the 28th. I had a very conflicted and tumultuous relationship with her, which made the whole thing very difficult to process. You can read my experiences from that week by clicking on “In Her Time of Dying” on the top bar of my blog, if you’re interested.

So that’s what’s been going on with us lately. Oh! I forgot to mention that Josh and I have become COMPLETELY obsessed with the first season of the show American Horror Story. It’s amazing and terrifying and creepy and WATCH IT NOW, is basically what I am saying.

That’s all for now. Happy Hump Day!