Love you, green bean

It was one year ago today that I found out that I was pregnant with you, my little green bean. One year ago today that was the most wonderful, exciting day of my life. Your daddy and I were on cloud nine that day, pumpkin. I’ll never forget it.

I had taken a test the night before, because my period was due and hadn’t shown up yet. Back then your mommy was like clockwork! I had been holding my breath, wishing that I was pregnant but trying not to get my hopes up. Your daddy and I had just decided that we wanted to try, and I thought it was a longshot that we’d get so lucky as to have success on the first try.

We were going to my company’s Christmas party that night, and I wanted to see if it’d be OK for me to have a beer. So I took out a test that I had bought (I bought them in a three pack of course), and I used it. I waited (not so) patiently for three minutes, and then I looked at the strip. I couldn’t believe my eyes, I thought that I saw a faint plus sign! Trying not to get hysterically excited, I took the test over to your daddy, who was sitting on the couch reading. I calmly asked him, “Does that look like a plus sign to you?” he glanced at it, and said, “Yes.”
I grinned from ear to ear, and said, “That means pregnant.”
He looked at me for a second, and then he himself broke out into a grin. But it faded fast, and he just said calmly, “Well, let’s not get our hopes up. It’s really faint.”

But I knew. I knew that you were there. The whole night, we kept sneaking smiles at each other even though we were trying to remain skeptical. I told him I was going to test again first thing in the morning.

The morning of December 2nd, 2007 I woke up having to pee. It was about 5:00 in the morning. I willed myself to ignore my bladder and go back to sleep, but I couldn’t. I snuck out of bed, sat down, and unwrapped the test. I was nervous because my hands were shaking and it took me about four tries to open the packaging! I did my business, replaced the cap, put it on the counter and walked out of the bathroom. I waited another three minutes, and went back into the bathroom. With held breath, I looked at the pregnancy test and confirmed what I already knew.
A beautiful, pink, plus sign. You were officially there! Two tests had confirmed it! I was PREGNANT!!! I put my hand over my mouth, and gasped, “Oh, my God.” I started to cry.

I snuck back into the bedroom. Your daddy was still sleeping soundly. I crawled onto the bed and shook him. “Josh,” I said, quietly. He didn’t stir. “Josh, honey..” I kept poking him, a little harder and louder. He sat bolt upright in the bed, looking around with sleepy confusion.
“What?! What’s wrong?” he asked, looking around.
I looked at him, and simply said, “I got a positive.”
He looked at me for a moment, and broke out into a grin that almost split his face open. He grabbed me, and said, “We’re PREGNANT!”

We rolled around on the bed and hugged, cried, kissed. We were both so elated to discover that you were with us! We were blissful. We discussed when we wanted to tell everyone. We decided that we just couldn’t wait. It had to be now. We had to share our news with everyone!! We told your gran first. We were going to our nephew’s birthday party later that day, so we had an elaborate plan. We were going to go over to gran’s before the party to ask if she was bringing her camera. Once there, we “suddenly” got the idea that we didn’t have hardly any pictures of just her and I together, so we insisted that she and I take one together! She just thought it was the sweetest thing.

So she and I posed together while Josh took the picture. He said, “1,2,3, say ‘cheese'” and we did. Then he looked at the viewfinder, and said, “Aw, that one didn’t turn out. Let’s try another one.”
So we did, and this time, he said, “OK 1,2,3, say ‘Natalie’s pregnant!'”

It took a second for your gran to react, and when she did, we snapped the picture and got her reaction. She said, “ARE YOU REALLY?!” and I just nodded with a smile. She was so excited about you! Just like we were.

We told everyone throughout the course of the day at the party. I will never, ever forget everyone’s individual reactions. Those are memories that I will cherish forever. I called your other grandmother, my mom, that night and called your grandfather, my dad and your uncle Drew, my brother the next morning. I told all my coworkers the next morning too.

Little one, the 20 days that I was your mommy were the best days of my life. Being your mommy was the greatest honor that I’ve had bestowed upon me in my (nearly) 25 years of life. I feel blessed and priveledged that I was able to help a little miracle such as yourself along, even if for not very long. I wish that our time together hadn’t been cut so short. I wish that I would have gotten to meet you this August; that I was able to hold you, feed you, sing you to sleep. Unfortunately I never will. I just hope that in the time that you shared my body, somehow you were able to feel how much you were loved, by me, by your daddy, and by everyone around us. I was in love with you from the moment I knew you were there, sweetheart. And I will always love you, now and forever.


It’s hard to believe that this time last year, I was pregnant. I didn’t know yet that I was pregnant, but I was. I was starting to feel a little wonky and off, like something was up. *sighs*

It’s hard, sometimes, to remember back to a year ago and think on how wonderful a time it was. To find out we were pregnant, to be on cloud nine for three weeks and then to go through the most horrible experience of my life thus far.

Here I am, almost a year since the loss of our baby and I’m still not pregnant. I never dreamed that I would be in this situation. This time last year, I figured I’d either be holding a newborn, or on my way to being a mommy. I never imagined that I would have lost my beloved little one… Never would have thought that my desire to be a mommy would still be unfulfilled.

Oh, well. I guess I just have to take what I’m given; deal with what I’m dealt. Life isn’t fair, it doesn’t make sense sometimes, and there’s nothing we can do but try our best to cope.. Even if we don’t understand it.