I Can Haz Blog?!

Oh, hi! What’s up? Not much. Um. So, I haven’t been blogging much lately. For one, there was that whole me-going-to-Chicago-with-a-toddler thing. Which, by the way, was so not as terrifying and scary and hard as I thought it’d be. And I also had a blast in Chicago (and Milwaukee). And I’m glad to be home, even though I had a great time. And I will post pictures soon….ish.

So, yeah. I’ve just been kind of trip-detoxing, working my tail off at work and spending time with my husband and wiggly, hilarious toddler. I’ve been kind of on a different planet and blogging hasn’t been at the front of my brain so I apologize for the silence. Soon I’ll blog about the trip to Chicago, my own tips for traveling with a wee one, and a post about feeding bread to ducks with scary red faces and screaming like a little bitch.

Lucky you.


Human Sharks and Twittercorn.


And then I worked out like, once. And almost died. And then I ate some hot wings and drank a six-pack of beer and was like “Mmmm, Blue Moon forever.”

I’m not going to BlogHer this year, unfortunately. I had plans to go but they fell through and now I’m going to be spending the weekend avoiding all you BlogHer-goers on Twitter like the plague because I’m still a little bitter. I did, however, bring up the fact that those of us who are not going should have our own super awesome Twitter party and I even named it #TwitterCorn. So if you’re eating those sour grapes like I am, join us all weekend for #TwitterCorn. Come whenever. Pants are optional.

Um, anyway, back to being fat. I got to looking at pictures of myself the other night from three years ago when I was working out like, 6 days a week. Seriously. 6 days a frigging week and do you know why? Because I didn’t have a kid and I actually had free time and energy to do things in that free time. Now when I have free time, I sometimes suggest we take a walk. Downtown. To get some ice cream. Because that makes sense.

But I was looking at my smiling, skinny face and wishing I could go back in time and punch myself in it, because I thought I was still fat. If I could go back and say one thing to past-Natalie, it would be “Bitch, you think those thighs are jiggly now? Wait until you’ve carried a human being for nine months while sitting on your ass eating anything that came within biting range. THEN WE’LL TALK ABOUT FAT. Pregnant Natalie is kind of like a Great White shark. She will eat anything and everything. When you give birth to your daughter, they might also find a license plate.”

Okay so the license plate thing never happened but I wouldn’t have been surprised if it had. I was kind of like a vacuum. I don’t think I chewed or tasted my food while I was pregnant. I just sort of opened my mouth and things gravitated toward it. Come to think of it, I’m still kind of like a Great White shark. I still eat like that.

This post really is about making changes to the way I live my life, and the food I put in my mouth. I’m so busy, and I’m so tired at the end of the day I just want to quiet the snarling hunger-hole that is my stomach with whatever is nearby, which usually is some form of chicken nugget or pizza bite. The other night for dinner, I had some rotisserie chicken (no skin) and a leafy green salad with light dressing, carrots, and raw snap pea pods. I was like, “FUCK YEAH HEALTH! LIGHT FOOD! LEAFY GREENS! ANTIOXIDANTS!” and then around 9 P.M. my stomach was like “BITCH WHERE’S THE CAKE?” and I was like “No, stomach. No. You’re big enough.” and it was all, “DON’T SASS ME” and I cried and played some Lady GaGa really loudly which drowned out the sound of it screaming obscenities at me.

I used to know how to eat right, but I also used to have a lot more spare time to fix myself healthy things. I just have to find the balance, to adapt the healthy eating habits I know that I possess to my new, busy lifestyle.

It may be Shark Week on the Discovery Channel, but it’s time that this Great White Shark be put out of its misery. Fare thee well, hot wings and pizza. …………Maybe not like, total fare thee well. I mean, I could still have *a* hot wing, right?





Beep Beep. Happy 4th. Hot Dog Turnips.

Welcome to my randomly-titled post.

I think that this has officially been the longest I’ve gone without posting here in a long time. It’s been a week. I honestly don’t remember the last time I went this long without a post.. But I’ve been busy.

The Zoloft seems to be helping as far as I can tell, though the anxiety/depression has always waxed and waned so I’m not sure if the medicine is helping lift the fog, or if I’m just going through a “clear” period. I do know that the first few days on the medication made me nauseous as hell which wasn’t much fun. One thing I failed to mention about my doctor’s appointment is that I’m ten pounds lighter than I was this time last year, which surprised me and is pretty cool. I’m still technically obese (I say ‘technically’ because I think the BMI scale was actually created by either Nazis, or Kate Moss who may or may not be a robot. Robot Nazis, maybe. I’m not sure but whoever did it is an asshole) but I was happy to see that I have lost some weight.. Even though I haven’t really been doing anything different.

I’m feeling happier. I’m getting more joy out of things. I went to chorus last night and for the first time in a while, thinking about going didn’t make me feel anxious and worried. We had a really great, long holiday weekend with a little surprise. And by “little surprise” I don’t mean that I’m pregnant. Just getting that out there. We dropped Nellie off at the grandparents’ and went to a car dealership to see about trading our 2006 Hyundai in. We had plans to just ask if it was even possible, as we still owed money on it. It had almost 100k miles on it, and was beginning to fail us and was on the verge of costing us a lot of money. Four hours and a lot of “don’t get your hopes up” looks at each other later, we drove off the lot with a brand new, 2012 Ford car. Yeah, I know. I was shocked too and I’m still in denial that it’s ours. I keep expecting the car salesman to call us and tell us to bring it back; that they were just fucking with us. The payments are a little more a month, but my name is on the lease (it wasn’t on the Tuscon) and it’s going to build my credit score. Which is awesome. It also has a SYNC system, which means I can do certain stuff with my voice and it makes me feel like I’m piloting a spaceship. I can hook up my iPod and push a button and be like “PLAY.” and it’ll fucking play. And then I can be like, “CALL. JOSH.” and it’ll totally call Josh. Except sometimes it misunderstands me, and will dial someone that I totally don’t want to talk to and I’m left frantically trying to get it to stop by pushing random buttons on my steering wheel and yelling, “NO! NO! END CALL. END CALL! NO!” and I swear to God sometimes I can hear the car laughing at me. Did I mention the Zoloft is working?

We had a nice cookout at Josh’s sister’s place on Sunday, and Nellie got to swim and eat lots of stuff. Mostly cookies and a hot dog. I swear to crap, this child is going to turn into a freaking hot dog. She eats so many of them and I hate it because they’re so unhealthy, but I’m kind of just glad she’s eating so I just pretend they’re turnips, or really weird looking pieces of lettuce.

So anyway, that’s my totally random update about my car that’s awesome but is also fucking with my head, my kid’s hot dog obsession and my mental health.